Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
by Kaori
Summary: We've fused the worlds of Ninja Burger and Naruto together to form a positively wacky Naruto parody! Naruto, orphaned at a young age due to drunken idiocy and now company property, dreams of becoming Franchise Manager! What wacky hi jinks will ensue? You WILL taste the Ninja Burger difference...or else! Now with 62% more sulfur and brimstone.
1. Scroll One: Part One

Warning: Alternate Universe fanfic. Anachronisms galore, no bijuu, Naruto's the Fourth's nephew, the Akatsuki isn't out to start a war, Orochimaru and Kabuto are…well you'll see. Oh yeah, there will be lots and lots of fast food.

Creative Credit to: Michael L. Fiegel author f the Ninja Burger Honorable Employee Handbook, the ninjas at the Ninja Burger website (Guaranteed delivery in 30minutes or less or we commit seppuku.), and all members of the Shirt Ninja clan (Go forth and kick some ass!).

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll One: Employee Training  
By Kaori

A long time ago, a great ninja cook whose name has long since been forgotten created the Ultimate Secret Sauce. This sauce was so delicious, so utterly delectable that no matter how old or charred the meat was whoever ate the burger would want more. Word soon got out of this miraculous sauce and a war erupted. Many tried to take the secret sauce in hopes of making their fast food chains the best in the world. Many ninja died and many customers were run off. To put an end to the insanity the ninja cook tore the only written copy (of the recipe into nine pieces and gave each one to his favorite mistresses. The mistresses were told that should they ever get married the recipe was to be given to their first grandchild. The recipe was encoded in such a way that it only made sense if you had the whole thing, especially the ninth piece as it not only has the final instructions written on it, but the key to cracking the code written on the back of it.

As time went by the papers were passed on, eventually sold to other people, or used as bookmarks and forgotten. Those who held the papers sometimes tried to find the other eight pieces in hopes of deciphering the code and finally acquiring the sauce but none were successful. Eventually, somebody decided to have the writing tattooed onto their back. The results were interesting to say the least; the bearer of the tattoo ended up gaining control over cola fountains.

One piece of the recipe found its way to Kumo Ninja Burger. There it was tattooed onto the back of a young girl; the story of the first experiment reaching the ears of the Raikage and he wanted to see what would happen. She gained the ability to turn herself into a human grill. Sometimes when the power was out, they'd use her to heat the deep fat fryers.

Another piece ended up in the hands of the Third Franchise Manager of Suna Ninja Burger tattooed it on his youngest son's forehead while he was asleep. As a result the boy doesn't sleep for fear his father might do something else. Incidentally, the encoded form of the recipe seems to have given the child the ability to control powdered spices which he used on one occasion to exact a short-lived revenge on his father by burying the man in arrowroot.

The most important piece of all, ended up at the Konoha Ninja Burger around that same time and into the hands of the newly appointed Fourth Franchise Manager. The man had been rather drunk (and bored) at the time so he grabbed the first person he could get his hands on…a baby. Needless to say the child's mother wasn't too happy about that and assassinated the Franchise Manager which lead to her being killed by the Konoha Ninja Burger Human Resources Department. The child's father was never found and so the boy was taken into the dubiously capable hands of the Konoha Ninja Burger franchise.

"What a mess…" sighed the Third Franchise Manager, having now being forcibly brought out of retirement. "Kakashi! Get over here and clean up this blood before a customer slips on it!"

_Okay, this chapter is only a prologue/teaser. If you want more you'll have to review otherwise this story will die right here, right now._


	2. Scroll One: Part Two

Zzzzzz…..Zzzzzzz….Zzzzzz….Zzz…Eh wha…Oh crap, the fic!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll One, Part Two: Employee Training Continues  
By Kaori

In a secret underground facility known only to Ninja Burger's employees, trainee employees, and the Illuminati ('cause they know _everything_; Hail Discordia!), Ninja Burger hopefuls train to become full fledged employees.

"KIBA! That is not the correct way to cut an Onion Death Blossom! INO, SAKURA! Stop ogling Sasuke and get back to packaging those fries! CHOUJI! Help Haru out of the deep fat fryer!" Umino Iruka, quite possibly the most overworked trainer in the entire facility was about two more yells away from sacrificing a random student to the Ninja Resources bear.

"Calm down Iruka," Mizuki, another trainer, said from his spot near the mock dispatcher desk. "Here, have some cola."

"As much as I'd like to take you up on that offer, it's against the rules to consume food or drink in the training room." Said Iruka.

"Suit yourself."

Iruka rolled his eyes at that knowing that if he did "suit himself" he'd be chugging down on some ice cold cola right now instead of getting ready to yell at Shikamaru for slacking. He paused as he suddenly noticed that something was missing.

"By the way Iruka, have you seen Naruto?"

Ah, that explained a lot. The scarred man suddenly vanished and went to hunt down the missing student. Mizuki shook his head. Suddenly there was an ear-piercing scream that caused the instructor to sigh heavily.

"Yet another dead body to throw into the dumpster out back…"

A small figure clad almost completely in orange was adding the finishing touches to his masterpiece; a sombrero and moustache on the picture of the Fourth Franchise Manager.

Uzumaki Naruto, victim of the Fourth Hokage's drunkenness, orphan, and self-proclaimed future Franchise Manager appraised his handiwork with an air of pride. This would get him noticed for sure!

"Heheheh…" he chuckled. "Maybe I should black out a few more teeth…"

"Maybe you'd like to add a cigar too." A voice said behind him. Naruto turned around.

"Hey yeah, that's a good ide…oh hell."

Iruka dragged the boy back to the training room by the back of his jumpsuit.

"Really Naruto, this kind of behavior is unbecoming of a future employee. Don't you realize that your performance in class is vital to whether you get hired? You do know that if you don't pass the test tomorrow the Ninja Resources will sacrifice you to the bear!"

"Just let them try it!" Naruto retorted. "I'll pass that test and before you know it, I'll be runnin' this place, just you wait and see!"

Iruka smiled fondly at the boy. He remembered when he'd been that young and impulsive.

"Of course you will Naruto, but you've got to pass first." And before the boy could get in another word, he was thrown unceremoniously back into the training room. He landed on his head, next to Shikamaru.

"Getting in trouble again, Naruto?" drawled the lazy boy. "Man, you're so troublesome."

"Ah shut up." Growled Naruto, standing up.

"All right everyone, since Naruto has so much energy, you're all going to run a hundred laps. The slowest person gets sacrificed to the bear." Announced Iruka. The trainees groaned and glared at the blonde, who ignored them.

"Geez…" groaned Naruto as he rubbed the damp cloth over the glass frame. Once training was done and everyone else had gone home, Iruka forced Naruto to clean up his mess from earlier. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"You should be thankful I'm only making you clean up the pictures you defaced." Said Iruka, from his chair. "In the old days the Ninja Resources ninja would have cut off one of your fingers for dishonoring the franchise. In fact, given the amount of infractions you've committed, by all rights you shouldn't have any of your fingers at all. Anyway I'm not allowing you to go to bed until you've cleaned every bit of marker off of those pictures."

"Hmph."

The next day…

"All right, this is it." Said Iruka to the assembled Ninja Burger hopefuls. "Make or break time. As I call your name, enter the door to the right. First up, Aburame Shino…"

It wasn't long before it was Naruto's turn and he was quite annoyed to find that the first part of the test, was to find where the rest of the test was going to be taking place. Fortunately, Lady Luck loves him and he was able to locate the room (which at the time was disguised as a broom closet).

The second part of the test was far more difficult: fighting a bear. Thankfully it was not _the_ bear or he'd have been in serious trouble; that motherfucker was _evil_. Bruised, shaken, and slightly mauled, Naruto stepped over the unconscious bear to enter the final testing area.

Iruka and Mizuki were waiting for him.

"You made it, congratulations Naruto." Smiled Iruka. "Now for your final test, make three Ninja Burgers."

Naruto inwardly flinched. He'd never been able to properly make a Ninja Burger! Oh well, what's the worse that could happen?

"Naruto, if you don't do something soon we're going to have to sacrifice you to the bear."

Oh yeah, there was _that_.

"Damn you Ninja Resources Department…" muttered Naruto. "Oh well here goes something…AAAH…." His hands moved in a blur as he gathered the necessary components and then…

"Fail!" barked Iruka. Naruto almost died right there on the spot.

"Now, now Iruka. He did make three Ninja Burgers." Mizuki said.

"Yes, but one is soggy, the other is burnt, and Naruto forgot the Kung Fu Grip on the third. I'm sorry, but as much as it hurts me to have to do this he'll have to be sacrificed to the bear." Dismayed, Iruka got up to fetch the Ninja Resources ninja. When he was gone, Mizuki walked over to the quivering boy.

"Naruto, there's no need to be scared…"

"Easy for you to say, you're not about to be eaten by a bear!" wailed Naruto.

"Well, there is a way for you to avoid that fate and pass the test."

"Really?" gasped the boy, hope filling his sapphire blue eyes. "How?" Mizuki smiled.

"Follow me and I'll show you…"

Ten minutes later, the Ninja Resources Ninja and Iruka came back to the room to find it deserted. Ten seconds later the alarm went off.

_What does Mizuki have in mind? Will Naruto be sacrificed to the bear? Are we having fun yet? Next time on Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles, Scroll One, Part Three: Behold! The Double Ninja Burger!_


	3. Scroll One: Part Three

I leave you guys alone for two weeks and look what happens…

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll One, Part Three: Behold! The Double Ninja Burger!  
By Kaori

"So…why are we outside the Franchise Manager's office?" asked Naruto.

"Oh it's quite simple." Said Mizuki. There was a long pause.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Huh? Oh, right. This is a very special test, are you sure you can handle it?"

"I don't have a choice! It's either this or the bear!"

"Well, at least you're motivated." Smiled Mizuki. "For this test, I need you to get a certain scroll from the Franchise Manager's office for me. You'll need to be very careful as the place will probably be crawling with Ninja Resources ninja and inspectors from the Ministry of Health."

"Great…" drawled Naruto, less than enthused about this. Mizuki placed a map in his hand.

"Take this, it shows where the scroll is located. I've also marked out an escape route for you. Once you get the scroll, meet me in the parking lot. Good luck." And he disappeared in a cloud of wasabi powder, causing Naruto to cough and sneeze.

"That bastard…(cough wheeze) He did that on purpose! (gag cough)"

Somehow, our stalwart hero got past all the Ninja Resources ninja, Ninja Resources bears in training, health inspectors, Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, Leonard Nemoy, booby traps, boobies, and some white-haired guy pretending to be a breast inspector; and obtained the scroll.

"That was quite possibly the most messed up thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. And considering how messed up my life is already, that's saying something." Panted Naruto. "What's so important about this stupid thing anyway?" he placed the large scroll on the ground and unfurled it. "_Double_ Ninja Burger? Dammit, why couldn't it be something cool like The Ultimate Death Blossom Technique? Oh well, I've got some time to kill so I guess I'll have a look…"

Back at the Franchise Manager's office all hell was breaking loose as employees scrambled around trying to find the Sacred Scroll. The Third Franchise Manager merely watched in amusement as his minions ran around like chickens with their heads cut off as he calmly watched Naruto on the security camera. Honestly, why are some people so stupid during an emergency?

"What will you do now, Naruto?"

Iruka was getting very worried. Naruto hadn't shown up for dinner. Highly unusual since it was ramen night and the kid practically worships the stuff. "He'd better not be stealing the ketchup packets again…" the instructor muttered before getting up to look for his favorite student.

Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, Naruto was still trying to figure out the Double Ninja Burger.

"Four soy meat patties, special sauce, cheese… No! I forgot the lettuce! Okay…four soy meat patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles…dammit what comes next?! ARGH!" the boy muttered to himself.

Half an hour later…

"Finally! I thought I'd never get this freakin' thing down! So what's next…" He was about to look at the second item on the scroll but…

WHACK!

"THERE you are!" yelled an annoyed voice. Naruto rubbed his abused head and looked up to see…

"Ah! Iruka-sensei!"

WHACK! Iruka smacked him again.

"Don't you "Iruka-sensei" me! What the hell are you thinking stealing the Most Honorable Scroll of our Venerable Ancestors?"

"Mizuki-sensei said that if I could get this scroll from the Franchise Manager's Office without getting caught I could become a full-fledged employee!"

"He did what?"

Before Naruto could repeat himself he was interrupted by four spatulas imbedding themselves in the ground between them. They both looked up to see…a streetlight. (Would somebody pan that camera up a little higher? K' thanks…) Upon closer inspection, Iruka and Naruto could see Mizuki standing on top of it.

"Naruto… I thought I told you to meet me in the parking lot." Ground out Mizuki.

"This is the parking lot." Scowled Naruto.

"I meant the _employee_ parking lot you retard! Why the hell would I want you to meet me in the front of the building where everyone can see us?"

"Well you should have made that clearer."

"Whatever, just hand me the scroll so I can get out of here and start my own Ninja Burger franchise and make a ton of cash."

"Wait…what?"

"Naruto! Get out of here!" Iruka got in front of the boy. "And no matter what happens do _not_ let him have that scroll!"

"Don't listen to him, Naruto." Said Mizuki. "If you let me have that scroll I'll let you be Vice Preseident."

"No Naruto! Don't do it!"

"Shut up!" Mizuki threw four spatulas and pinned Iruka to a nearby wall; the sharp edges digging into the scarred man's flesh. "This is none of your business! This is between me, and the brat."

"Hey sensei…" Naruto said quietly. "Is it true? Do you really just want to make money from the stuff written in this scroll?"

"Of course boy, what else is there?" scoffed the silver-haired man.

"But what about the honor of our ancestors? What about the pride in serving customers and being able to offer fast, efficient, and discreet service?"

"That garbage? Look kid. This is business. The purpose of business is to make money. The only purpose that stuff serves is to make the customers feel like their important so they'll spend more of their money with us."

"It may just be garbage to you…but Iruka-sensei, the Franchise Manager, and everyone else well…we actually believe it. And you know what else?" he looked up at him, righteous anger in his eyes. "I won't let you disrespect us for your greedy ambitions!"

"Ha! And just what can you do? You're just a trainee!"

"Naruto! Get out of here!" Iruka pleaded.

"Not on your life. I don't run and I won't let this jerkoff say stuff like that!" Naruto growled, closing his eyes. "I hope you're hungry Mizuki-_sensei_…. DOUBLE NINJA BURGER!"

Iruka looked on in amazement as Naruto prepared two hundred double ninja burgers in under ten seconds and crammed them down Mizuki's throat in the next fifteen minutes. When it was all over, Mizuki wasn't going to be getting up anytime soon. Panting, Naruto gingerly removed the spatulas from Iruka's limbs and leaned him gently against the wall.

"Are you going to be okay, sensei?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, nothing the D.E.A.T.H.S ninja can't handle." Iruka sighed.

"So…how do you like my double ninja burger?"

"You did very well. Hey, Naruto, close your eyes for a moment."

"Huh? Okay…"

Iruka smiled and unclipped his official nametag, carefully removing his ID. He then placed it on Naruto's shirt. "Okay, you can open them. Welcome to the Ninja Burger Franchise, Uzumaki Naruto."

"Wha…You mean I pass? WOO HOOO!" he glomped his teacher.

"Hey, be careful! I'm injured here!"

Inside the security room, the Third Franchise Manager laughed. Things were going to become very interesting.


	4. Scroll Two: Part One

I forgot to add an endnote in the last chapter so I'm putting it here. D.E.A.T.H.S stands for Department of Employee And Trainee Health Services.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Two, Part One: Meeting the Supervisor  
By Kaori

The new employees of Konoha Ninja Burger waited eagerly in the employee lounge. For most (like Haruno Sakura, Aburame Shino, and Uchiha Sasuke), this was their first time ever seeing this room while others (Inuzuka Kiba, Uzumaki Naruto, Nara Shikamaru, and Akamichi Chouji) had been in this room quite a few times even though they technically they shouldn't have.

It was your typical lunchroom setup, mostly: steel and plastic chairs arranged around tables with collapsible legs; four television sets arranged so that each quarter of the room could see and hear at least one; a long counter with condiments, microwave, tea, coffee, and a sink; and a refrigerator. There were some bloodstains on the wall (and ceiling), and a number of holes and slash marks as well.

Iruka, sitting on a gurney at the front of the room, flanked by two angry-looking nurses from D.E.A.T.H.S gazed on his former pupils with a mixture of pride and trepidation. Pride because they had made it this far, trepidation because most of them would be dead in forty-eight hours. He cleared his throat to get the attention of the overeager youngsters.

"All right, first I'm going to read this note from the Franchise Manager and then I'm going to tell you where you are going to be working. Ahem... "Dearest Genny-wenny, I miss your strong arms, the way you whispered sweet nothings in my ear as you slowly brought me to cli…" The nurse standing on his left suddenly grabbed the paper he was holding, blushing beet red.

"That's mi…I mean, that is most definitely not the Franchise Manager's speech, Umino-san."

"And here I was thinking that he'd finally gone senile…" mumbled Iruka as he took out another sheet of paper. "Dear new employees of the great Konoha Ninja Burger franchise. I congratulate you on surviving thus far and wish you long and productive careers. Please remember that you are to carry no less than three weapons at all times, not to kill the customers (unless they cannot or will not pay for their food), and that all deliveries are to be made within thirty minutes or you must commit seppuku. Yours truly, the Third Franchise Manager. P.S. The deep fat fryer is NOT a toy." Iruka put the paper back in his pocket. "Now for your assignments…"

All new employees start out as Deliverators, ninjas who deliver food to customers in under thirty minutes. While this might seem easy, it is well known that only thirty percent ever survive their first delivery. Not because of attacks from rival fast food franchises, but from having to commit seppuku for their failure.

Naruto fidgeted and squirmed in his chair. All the other teams had left already, and while he wasn't happy about being on a team with Sasuke he hated this waiting around even more. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He jumped up out of his seat and stomped over to the door where he started fishing around in his pockets.

"What are you doing?" Sakura demanded.

"I'm setting up a trap for our supervisor." Snickered Naruto. "That'll teach him not to be late." Carefully he placed the paper cup full of wasabi powder above the doorframe. "It's better than he deserves for making us wait all this time."

"I seriously doubt a high ranking employee is going to fall for such a stupid trap." Drawled Sakura, while internally she was giggling in anticipation of the result.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued to brood. He was going to be stuck with those two idiots until he got promoted (he had no doubt that he'd get promoted before they did, if they ever did). Just as he was beginning to think that their supervisor had been killed or forced to commit seppuku, the door opened.

Kakashi sneezed violently. He squinted at the room through his one visible eye (which was teary because of the wasabi powder).

"Ha! That's what you get for being late!" crowed the blonde.

"I'm so sorry, I tried to stop him…" apologized the girl. The dark-haired boy in the corner just glared at the other occupants of the room.

"My first impression of you (achoo) guys… I (achoo) hate you. (sniff) Team 7 right? Meet me on the roof in five (achoo) minutes." Said Kakashi. Damn brats.

Up on the roof, the three newly hired employees stared at their first supervisor. Tall and lanky with silver hair; the only visible facial feature was his right eye; as the left was covered by a bandana and the rest of his face by a mask. His nametag said: Hi, my name is: HATAKE KAKASHI.

"All right, since I can read your nametags I won't ask what your names are, but why don't you tell me a little something about yourselves." Said Kakashi.

"Um, sir," Sakura raised her hand. "something like what? Why don't you go first so we know how it's done."

"(sigh) Fine. My name is Hatake Kakashi. I like a lot of things, and I dislike some things. My hobbies and dreams for the future are none of your business. There, now you try…um…Sakura."

"My name is Haruno Sakura. I like…(leers at Sasuke) and my dream for the future is (perverted giggling while leering at Sasuke)." Naruto glared and Sasuke scooted away from the lecherous girl.

"And what you don't like?" prompted Kakashi.

"Naruto!" she declared.

"Uh, huh. Well Naruto, why don't you go next?"

"Yay! My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like cup ramen! I don't like the three minute wait for ramen to cook! My dream is to become the greatest Franchise Manager of Konoha Ninja Burger!"

"Dream on." Chorused Sakura and Sasuke.

"Just you watch, I'll be running this place someday and then everybody will have to acknowledge how cool I am!"

"That's an admirable goal. All right Sasuke, you're up." Kakshi said.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like many things and I dislike a lot more. I don't have a dream but my goal is to get my revenge on a certain someone." Sasuke intoned.

"You'd better not be talking about me." Grumbled Naruto.

"Now that we're all acquainted, I'll tell you about your final test to become true Ninja Burger employees."

"Wait just a second!" protested Sakura. "I thought we already are full-fledged employees!"

"Oh no. That was just to see whether or not you had what it takes. This test is find out whether or not you can really handle it. The fail rate is 66 and by fail I mean death." All three youngsters looked freaked out. "Meet me in the field behind the employee parking lot at seven a.m. And I advise against eating breakfast. The D.E.A.T.H.S ninja doesn't particularly enjoy draining stomachs and the smell of digested food is really hard to get out of clothes." And without another word he disappeared.

"You know, I'm beginning to wonder if I should've just let myself be sacrificed to the bear…" muttered Naruto.

_If you think this test is going to involve bells you are sadly mistaken! Will the newly formedTeam 7 be forced to commit seppuku? Only time will tell!_


	5. Scroll Two: Part Two

Kaori: I just had a scary thought.

Sir Frick-It: Do tell.

Kaori: If Orochimaru is Michael Jackson, then who's Tito?

Sir Frick-It: (laughs)

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Two, Part Two: Begin the Test  
By Kaori

It was seven in the morning when a very sleepy Haruno Sakura stumbled into the clearing where Uchiha Sasuke was already waiting; instantly she perked up and headed towards him. This did not make Sasuke happy in the slightest but rather than make a fuss he just tuned out her prattling.

Naruto showed up about forty minutes late and covered in what appeared to be tapioca pudding.

"You're late Naruto." Chided Sakura. "And what is that all over you?"

"Well, I took a shortcut through the retirement home, and accidentally started a food fight." Naruto said, fidgeting. "I think I have pudding in my ears."

"Your brain's made of pudding." Sakura said bitingly.

"You are such an idiot." Sighed Sasuke, whether he meant Sakura or Naruto is anyone's guess but only Naruto took offence.

"Takes one to know one, teme." Shot back the blonde. Sakura punched him in the head.

"Don't talk to Sasuke-kun like that!"

"But Sakura-chan…"

More yelling and arguing ensued and lasted for about an hour before Sasuke got fed up and threatened the other two with painful, food-related death.

Two and a half hours later, Naruto fell asleep. A half hour later, Sasuke was contemplating how he would dispose of Sakura and Naruto's bodies. Forty-five minutes later…

"Yo!" waved Kakashi, with one hand behind his back.

"YOU'RE LATE!" shrieked Sakura, consequently waking Naruto from his map.

"And you're loud." Quipped Kakashi. "Now that we're all here and awake, it's time to start the test." All three teenagers snapped to attention as the supervisor held up a Konoha Ninja Burger take-out bag. "Your test is to deliver this the address on the receipt within thirty minutes without being seen or spilling the soy sauce. If you fail you will have to commit seppuku." He handed Sasuke the bag. "Why are you still here? Time is honor." The three teenagers instantly disappeared. "Aah…now for some reading…"

"Kakashi!" a frantic employee suddenly appeared before him. He was wearing the Dispatcher's uniform.

"Hmm? What is it?"

"Err…do you still have the delivery bag we gave you this morning?" the Dispatcher fidgeted.

"No, I just sent my underlings to deliver it." The other ninja looked like he was going to faint. "Why? What's wrong?"

"We gave you the wrong bag by mistake. That bag is to be delivered to…"

"Bak Hua Chi? What the heck kind of name is Bak Hua Chi (1)?" snorted Sasuke.

"More importantly, why does he live on top of such a tall mountain?" groaned Naruto.

"What's the matter dobe, tired?"

"As if! I could do this before breakfast!"

At that declaration all three of their stomachs growled.

"Thanks a lot, Naruto." Grumbled Sakura, not having the energy to hit him.

Back with Kakashi and the Dispatcher (who looked like he was about to have a coronary), the supervisor was mulling over the situation in his head.

If he stayed where he was and did nothing, then there was a very good chance that the young employees would die and he could go back to hanging around the restaurant and looking at porn on the Internet. The Franchise Manager would be angry, but he'd get over it.

Then again, there was a very slim chance that they'd be able to make the delivery within the time limit and come back alive. Yes he'd be stuck with them until they managed to get promoted, but if they could survive Bak Mei they were guaranteed to be promoted quickly and he could go back to hanging around the restaurant and looking porn on the Internet.

All in all, it was win-win.

"It'll be all right." Kakashi said finally. The Dispatcher got even paler. If those kids died it would be all his fault and he'd be forced to commit seppuku.

"If they die I'm killing you before I do the honourable thing and commit seppuku."

"If you insist. Porno mag?" he offered.

"GRAAAAARGH!" (2)

_Hands up everybody who's been Rick Rolled at least once this week. Okay, put your hands down, you know I can't see you_. _Anyway, next chapter we'll see whether or not Team 7 can pull off this delivery or be forced to do the honourable thing and commit seppuku_.

1) You'll find out about this guy next chapter but if you've seen Drunken Master and Kill Bill Vol. 2 you'll know what to expect.

2) I like my Kakashi in one of two forms: infuriating, perverted bastard or sadistic, perverted bastard. Guess which one I've chosen for this story?


	6. Scroll Two: Part Three

Donkey Look Donkey  
Donkey How Donkey  
Donkey Many Donkey  
Donkey Times Donkey  
Donkey I Donkey  
Donkey Made Donkey  
Donkey This Donkey  
Donkey Idiot Donkey  
Donkey Say Donkey  
Donkey Donkey Donkey

- very old junior high school prank. Get your teacher to read the whole thing out loud, then read the middle column only. Good for a laugh and possible detention.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Two, Part Three: The Trials of Team 7  
By Kaori

Team 7 was halfway up the mountain path and heading into a forest of bamboo.

""Hey look, a panda!" Naruto exclaimed

"Idiot. I'm not going to fall for such a stupid trick. There are no pandas in this region. You're just trying to grab the delivery bag from me." Snorted Sasuke.

"Oh yeah, then what's that!" the blonde pointed to the right and sure enough, there was a panda.

"No way…"

"Wow, there really is a panda." Sakura remarked. The panda raised a paw, seemingly in greeting. "Aww. It's so cute!" It gestured towards Sasuke. "Huh?" the panda continued to motion at the dark-haired wannabe Deliverator.

"What does it want?" wondered Naruto as the bear started to pantomime something.

"I think it wants the delivery bag."

"Well it can't have it." Sasuke glared. "We're supposed to deliver it to this Bak Hua Chi guy. Now quit dawdling." Just as they were about to be on their way, the panda let out a roar and charged towards them. "Oh shit, run!"

Now you may be wondering why they didn't just fight the panda. Well there are two reasons:

Pandas are an endangered species and since not even ninjas can escape the World Wildlife Federation, PETA, Greenpeace, and all the people in the world that love pandas getting into a fight with one would be rather stupid.

The second reason was that they simply did not have the time to deal with this right now. As their supervisor had said "time is honour"; and loss of honour meant having to commit seppuku.

Back at the clearing, Kakashi was quite happily reading Hustler over the fainted body of his fellow ninja. His conscious had started to get to him a minute ago but a few pictures of scantily clad females quickly silenced that minor annoyance. In any event, he kept telling himself that he had nothing to lose by not going after his subordinates. After all, it is said that lions push their cubs off cliffs and only take care of the ones strong enough to climb back up. He would do the same.

Now, it should be noted that Bak Hua Chi himself isn't all that dangerous so long as you didn't seek to do him harm. No, the danger lies in his current disciples: Fuk Yu and Huai Me. The temple where he lives has very strict rules, one of which forbids the consumption of fast food. Hua Chi was always breaking this rule and a number of others knowing the abbot would never kick him out since he is the sole master of the temple's Five Element Style. Until he passes on his teachings they couldn't let him leave. The abbot had apprenticed Yu and Me to him in hopes he'd do just that.

Hua Chi may be old but he's not stupid. Seeing the abbot's thinking he simply upped the frequency of his acts of disobedience. Having no other recourse, the abbot ordered the two hapless students to force their master to behave himself.

"They have escaped the panda." Murmured a bald young man in a yellow monk's robe.

"So? They always escape the panda." Snapped another identically dressed bald young man; he was a head shorter than the first one. "But it does not matter. We _will_ stop them from reaching the master." And with that they sprang into action.

Team 7 was about to exit the bamboo forest when a hail of stones beat down on them.

"Hey!" Sakura protested as one narrowly missed her head.

"Who's there? Come out now!" Sasuke demanded. His demands were met with a harsh bark of laughter.

"You are trespassing on holy ground. Leave now or suffer the wrath of Heaven!"

"We have a mission to complete. Wrath of Heaven or not we're not going to run away!" yelled Naruto.

"Then you leave us no choice. SIC 'EM HEAVEN!"

"Wha…" boggled Team 7.

RRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!

"HOLY ZEN IT'S A DRAGON!"

As the hapless trio began the frantic dash for their lives, Hop Yu and Huai Me watched from their observation point in a monkey puzzle tree.

"Do you think the abbot will mind that we borrowed the temple dragon, Brother?" asked Yu.

"It is for the good of the temple that we are doing this." Me stated. "You heard the abbot, Master Bak must not be allowed to endanger his immortal soul and set such a poor example for the younger generation. Remember what happened last week when he managed to sneak an entire keg of beer into the temple? Besides, the teachings of the temple forbid us from harming others unless attacked, so we must get someone to do it for us."

"Yes, you make a good point."

"Thank you, Brother."

"Therefore I think it is only right that you go explain this to the abbot."

"You tricked me…"

While the two monks were talking, Team 7 was trying to escape Heaven's wrath… which mostly consisted of the dragon wrapping them up in its coils and hurling insults at them. Sasuke had turned a very interesting shade of maroon. Not because he was angry but because he was pressed up close to Sakura and the girl was using the opportunity to molest him.

"Do you give up?" a voice inquired over Sakura's perverted giggling. The three looked down to see a young monk in yellow robes looking up at them.

"Who are you?" Naruto demanded. "Why have you sent this dragon after us?"

"Fuk Yu." Bowed the monk.

"Fuck me? How dare you! When I get loose I'm going to kick your ass!"

"No, no, my name is Fuk Yu." Sighed Yu, well used to people jumping to conclusions after he introduced himself. "And I'm very sorry about this but I cannot allow you to deliver that food."

"Aren't you a monk? I thought you are forbidden from hurting others." Sakura pointed out, still rubbing up against Sasuke.

"But I am not hurting you, Heaven is; and even then he is only harming your sensibilities. However, I will tell Heaven to release you if you agree not to deliver that food."

"If we don't make this delivery they'll force us to commit seppuku!" wailed Naruto.

"That is most unfortunate but also not my problem. If I let you complete that delivery the abbot will have my Brother and I beaten and force us to eat nothing but cabbage for a month."

"To use your own words, that is most unfortunate but also not our problem." Shot back Sasuke, he'd manage to get his hands loose and was using one to restrain Sakura. "And we're going to make that delivery…" he took a deep breath and… "FIRE STYLE: FLAME BROILED TO PERFECTION!"

A stream of hot flame shot out of his mouth, burning Heaven and forcing the beast to release the teenagers, but before they could exact a quick and painful revenge on poor Fuk Yu, he was hit upside the head with a cane. On the other end of the cane was an old man with flowing white hair and a long beard wearing white monk's robe

"Trying to take my food away again, Yu? You are a hundred years too early to try and outfox me, foolish disciple."

"Master Hua Chi…" whined Fuk Yu. "it is for your own good. You know we are forbidden from consuming fast food at the temple."

"So? I'll just eat it out here." Hua Chi turned to the ninjas. "Well, what are you waiting for? I am hungry and you'll have to commit seppuku in two minutes." Sasuke quickly handed over the delivery bag as the old man gave him the money. "As for you, Fuk Yu, you're going to enjoy a nice lesson in pain once I'm done eating. I've already dealt with Huai Me."

"Have mercy, Master!" cried Fuk Yu.

Kakashi was surprised when his subordinates actually returned from the mountain with the money from their delivery. He was certain they would have been forced to commit seppuku, seeing as how they were just fresh out of Ninja Burger Academy; escaping trash talking dragons is taught at senior employee level.

"Well, congratulations, you passed." He said. "I'm impressed, especially since you got a delivery usually reserved for senior employees." This got one angry and two surprised looks. "Now I suggest you go home and get some rest; you'll have plenty of deliveries tomorrow."

_Wow…this chapter was lame. Oh well, I shall continue with this story in the hopes that things will improve. Scroll Three will not have anything to do with Wave Country; instead we're going to Middle Earth where someone has ordered a Ninja Burger and an Assassination. _


	7. Scroll Three: Part One

"I challenge you to Kermit Kombat!" –Kermit the Frog, Kermit Kombat

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Three, Part One: …and a Side of Assassination  
By Kaori

The week following their trial delivery was filled with run of the mill, safe, non-seppuku inducing deliveries to places like security booths, corporate offices, and the occasional adult store; although Sakura was beginning to think her supervisor specially requested those deliveries. This was fine because it afforded her all the time in the world to ogle, grope, and seduce Sasuke.

For the record the seduction wasn't going very well but the pink-haired one figured he'd break down sooner or later.

Sasuke on the other hand, was bored. These simple deliveries were beneath him. Did he not graduate top of the class at Ninja Burger Academy? Wasn't that enough to fast track him to Drive-Thru Ninja? After all, Itachi had been working the drive-thru window straight out of the academy and working the deep fat fryer a week later. "Damned showoff…" grumbled the youngest Uchiha. "I'll show him. I'll become Employee of the Month much faster than he did and then _I'll_ be the favourite! Then Itachi will feel the ire of our parents as I blame his less than perfect self for all the mischief _I_ shall cause…and subsequently get away with! AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA"

"That boy has issues." Muttered Kakashi, turning the page on his Playboy Magazine. "And where is Naruto?"

"He said he was going to the bathroom." Sakura replied, not taking her eyes off Sasuke's rear end.

"He's been gone a while, did he fall in or something?" (1)

Naruto had finished…using the facilities forty minutes ago, but didn't bother going back to the employee lounge. Instead he decided to go bother the Franchise Manager.

"Get off my desk Naruto." said Sarutobi. The young Deliverator was sitting on the edge of his desk swinging his legs.

"But I'm bored, bored, bored (2)." groaned the employee.

"If I give your team a senior level delivery will you get off my desk so I can get some work done?"

"Throw in some coupons and you have a deal."

"Fine, I'll tell the dispatchers that the next senior level delivery that comes in is to be given to your team."

"Thanks a bunch old man!" Naruto smiled, and bounded off to rejoin his team in the employee break room.

"Finally, he's gone." Murmured the Franchise Manager, pressing a button under his desk. A television screen rose up out of a hidden panel in his desk. "Back to Kunoichi Gone Wild."

Naruto burst into the break room like a train through a brick wall; loud and causing a lot of collateral damage.

"That wall's coming out of your pay, Naruto." Kakashi said, turning the playboy sideways to better appreciate the centrefold model.

"Idiot! What took you so long?" glared Sasuke, who had spent the last fifteen minutes playing "Dodgedick" (3) with Sakura and the girl was starting to get too close to grabbing the target.

"This is the thanks I get for snagging us another senior rank delivery?" Naruto said, feigning indignation.

"You did what?" Sasuke was immediately placated. Maybe the blonde baka was good for something after all. "Hmph, not bad for a nitwit."

"HEY!" Before Naruto could even make an attempt at retaliation, a runner from the kitchen appeared before Kakashi.

"Delivery and an Assassination for Team 7." Said the ninja, handing over the delivery bags. "Destination is on the receipt." And without another word he was gone.

"All right you three, here's the bag. Get a move on." Kakashi passed the bag over to Sasuke.

"But, sachou, aren't you coming with us?" Sakura asked.

"No way, I'm a supervisor. Running around doing grunt work is _your_ job. Now get going." The white-haired ninja said, waving his free hand in a shooing motion while the other held his Playboy.

Some distance away, in a dark corner of an already dark house, a figure sat hunched in a chair stroking an effigy.

"Soon, very soon you will regret ever leaving me…oh yes. You'll be sorry that you didn't listen to me. I said as long as I was by your side I would protect you. But you tossed me away. You will pay for that. Yes you will. Because if I can't have you, then no one can…"

_Aaah! Creepy stalker alert! But who is it? And who is going to be assassinated?_ _And where have all my cookies gone?_

1) Whenever my mother takes too long in the bathroom I always ask her if she fell in (the toilet).

2) Code Monkeys!

3) I've referenced this in another fanfic but I'm more than happy to point you to Gaijin Smash dot com for the explanation. Trust me, you'll laugh.


	8. Scroll Three: Part Two

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Three, Part Two:  
By Kaori

If they had to run, it would've taken Team 7 almost two days to get to Middle Earth (1); way past the 30 minute deadline and thus an unacceptable means of travel. Fortunately for the Ninja Burger staff they have access to a wide selection of vehicles. Unfortunately for Team 7, since they didn't have enough tenure to borrow the helicopter, they had to resort to requesting a Driver and riding in the old company van.

"This van smells like ass." Naruto complained.

"It doesn't smell a thing like ass." The Driver, a sandy haired twenty-something who wasn't that much taller than Sakura, snapped. "Trust me, I _know_ what ass smells like."

The blonde was about to ask how he knew but was knocked unconscious by Sakura's fist.

"Sasuke…"she cooed. "Why don't you sit in the back here with me? It's a lot more comfortable than that bucket seat."

"No." growled Sasuke before turning to the Driver. "Let's go Hideo-san."

"Yosh. Sit down, buckle up, and don't scream." Said Hideo.

Now, there is something you should know about Ninja Burger Drivers: they are all crazy. If you ever happen to see a Ninja Burger van coming down the street pretend it's an ambulance and get out of the way, fast. Despite it looking like a van it's built like a small tank and it stops only when it reaches its destination. If you do decide to be stubborn and get hit don't bother calling law enforcement. The police will probably tell you that there are no such things as ninja and even if there were they wouldn't ride around in a delivery van.

Hideo is the second most reckless driver employed in any Ninja Burger franchise; Uchiha Itachi tops that list. Even though Itachi no longer drives, no one at KNB has managed to hit more civilians and stationary objects than he has (though not for lack of trying). You may think it counterproductive to run over potential customers and destroy property, but since the only way anyone ever finds out about Ninja Burger is word of mouth, having people talk about being hit by one of their vans is good for business. There's not such thing as bad publicity (especially if it's free).

To the credit of Team 7, they didn't scream as Hideo wove in and out of traffic, ran over pizza delivery boys, and used other cars as ramps. But then again, you generally don't scream when you're unconscious (Naruto), too busy feeling up the object of your affection / obsession (Sakura), or are too busy trying not to be molested by your teammate (Sasuke).

When the van finally stopped outside of Minas Morgul Arms (a ten storey apartment complex), Sasuke practically jumped out of the window to get away from the overly amorous Sakura. Hideo rolled Naruto out of the van and told the trio that if they didn't show up in the next twenty minutes, he'd come after them to make sure they didn't dishonour their families by not committing seppuku.

"Lucky Naruto." Grumbled Sasuke.

"Huh?" blinked Sakura, who was dragging the still comatose blonde behind her.

"Think about it. Naruto doesn't _have_ any family to dishonour so he'll never have to commit seppuku." Sakura's eyes narrowed and then widened when she realized that it was true.

"But, couldn't he be forced to commit seppuku for dishonouring _himself_?" she wondered. Sasuke shook his head.

"We're ninja, we have no honour. Any honour we might gain is immediately credited to our ancestors."

"Okay then, why not have him commit seppuku for dishonouring his ancestors."

"No one knows who they are and whether or not they had any honour to begin with. It's a big loophole but it's not a very exploitable one. As it stands, he's the first case like this in the company's history."

"Does Naruto know that?"

"Probably not or he would have brought it up when Kakashi-sachou threatened us with it, so don't tell him."

"Ooww…" moaned Naruto, who had finally woken up. "Hey, what's the idea dragging me up the stairs!"

"You're too heavy to carry." Sakura quipped.

Since the target and the customer both lived in the same building, Sakura and Naruto went to go deliver the food while Sasuke went to kill the unfortunate soul upstairs.

Swiftly and silently, Sasuke swept up the staircase (try saying that five times fast). His destination: Apartment 421. The target: Frodo Baggins.

_BUM BUM BUUUUMM! Oh noes! Frodo is gonna be murdered by Sasuke. But wait, who is it that wants the heroic hobbit dead? The startling (will not so startling if you're familiar with LOTR yaoi comedy) conclusion next chapter!_

1) For the sake of this fanfic, going from Konoha Ninja Burger to Middle Earth is almost like driving from Baltimore to New Jersey.


	9. Scroll Three: Part Three

Dammit, I still can't seem to turn of the fnord filter!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Three, Part Three: Short People Got No Reason to Live  
By Kaori

Frodo Baggins was having a wonderful day. He'd woken up in his spacious apartment (when you're half the size of a normal person, a normal sized apartment is big), taken a steaming, hot shower, and called his girlfriend to find out if they were still on for dinner tonight. Breakfast had been an unhurried affair of two omelettes, hash browns, eight slices of toast with jam, four glasses of milk, half a fruit basket, and an anti-psychotic pill (special formulated for those who had been in possession of or been possessed by magical objects).

After that he'd gone into town to do some shopping which was followed by a scrumptious lunch and an hour of smoking pipe weed while waxing philosophical about rings' symbolism apropos (1) life in general.

Now he sat on the window seat admiring the view and contemplating one of the universe's greatest questions: what to have for dinner. Too bad this train of thought was derailed by the unpleasant sensation of being knocked unconscious by a blunt object.

Uchiha Sasuke, while having been given a senior level assassination assignment, had no training whatsoever in this area. Oh he knew how you theoretically go about assassinating people, but since he didn't have the tenure to request a sniper rifle, or the time to wait until the target was in a less conspicuous location (neighbours tend to get nosy when they hear loud noises, furniture being knocked over, and high pitched screams of "OH MY GOD!"), he had to settle for the bloodless method of knocking Frodo unconscious and suffocating him with a cushion. Too bad for Sasuke that hobbits, rather than masticate (2) and swallow, skip the first step and inhale their food. Thus, it takes quite a lot of time to suffocate a hobbit as Sasuke was finding out.

The hobbit woke up about three minutes into it and started thrashing about, eventually wriggling out from under the pillow as Sasuke had preferred not to sit on the hobbit on the off chance his teammates walked in and Naruto decided to use the opportunity to procure blackmail.

Frodo whirled around to face his assailant, and blinked in surprise that it was a teenage boy. Then he spotted the Ninja Burger uniform and his eyes widened in horror.

"Please! Don't kill me!" whined the terrified Halfling. "I'll give you anything you want!"

"Can you give me the satisfaction of seeing my brother utterly humiliated?" deadpanned Sasuke.

"Um…well…no."

"Then you must die." And Sasuke took out his wakisazhi and prepared to inflict stabbity death on the hobbit.

"AAAAAGHH!"

Downstairs, Sakura and Naruto were engaged in the ancient art of breaking and entering. Naruto, having much experience breaking into the Instructor's Lounge back at Konoha Ninja Burger Academy, was picking the lock on the apartment door while Sakura acted as lookout.

"Okay, we're in." whispered Naruto, slowly opening the door and rolling inside SWAT style. Sakura rolled her eyes and followed in a crouched position, shutting the door quietly behind her.

The apartment was dark; the only light came from the digital clock on the DVD player that was flashing 12:00. Some decidedly Emo music was playing on the CD player; Sasuke would like it. Feeling their way around, and banging their knees on the coffee table, they tiptoed into the kitchen and quietly placed the delivery bag on the counter.

"All right, let's find this guy's wallet and get out of here." Hissed Sakura. "This place gives me the creeps."

"I think the bedroom is over there." Naruto pointed to his left even though Sakura couldn't see it.

Carefully, they made their way to the bedroom of the client: one Samwise Gamgee (3) who was currently curled up on his bed muttering ineffectual curses in his sleep.

You see, after the adventure with the ring Sam had expected Frodo to stay with him forever and ever. But alas, it was not to be and instead he ran off with his crazy uncle and the elves. Now the little bastard was back and what does he do? Go out and get himself a _girlfriend_!

"You're _my_ best friend dammit." The hobbit growled in his sleep. "You're not allowed to love anybody else! She doesn't know you like I do! She doesn't know all the little things about you. Like how you prefer you butter spread in a counter-clockwise motion on your toast, or how much starch to put in your sheets, or that you brush your hair exactly two thousand and forty-six strokes before you go to bed. No, she knows none of this! And yet you still insist on seeing her. Well, I'll fix you. I'll make sure she can never have you…" he broke off into a litany of rather angry sounding snores.

Sakura and Naruto, found the wallet in a hurry, took exactly $10.46, and went to find their teammate before things got really weird.

Speaking of the raven-haired boy, he was chasing his target around the apartment in what appeared to be a demented parody of Pop Goes the Weasel.

The duo would run around the apartment in a large circle before Frodo would dive behind some piece of furniture. Sasuke would take out a shuriken and throw it behind the offending object, painfully flushing out the hobbit and beginning the chase anew.

Lap forty-two and Sasuke was running out of time, shuriken, and patience. If he couldn't do this the clean way he'd do it the quick way. As he chased the small man, he started planting explosives at key points throughout the room. Frodo noticed none of this, too busy running for his life. Once he had exhausted all of his medium grade explosives (even though he was just a newbie Deliverator, he was still required to carry explosives in the event of pirate attack) he dashed towards the door.

Sakura and Naruto had just entered the hallway when Sasuke suddenly came out of one of the apartments, slamming the door behind him.

"Run!" he yelled, once he'd spotted them and made a mad dash for the stairwell.

Following the rule that when you see people running that you start running too (preferably in the same direction), they followed at a slightly slower pace and not a moment to soon because the apartment exploded with a deafening "KABOOM", causing all three Deliverators to tumble down the stairs, out of the apartment complex, and into the awaiting Ninja Burger Van.

Noting the strange look the driver gave them but refusing to say anything, the sore and somewhat freaked out Deliverators returned to the franchise office in silence.

_Next chapter: with the shift change, Sakura and Sasuke go home. Since Naruto lives at the Ninja Burger, he gets to hang around during Team 8's shift. What shenanigans will ensue? Find out in the next chapter of Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles!_

1) You all have no idea how long I've wanted an excuse to use that word.

2) Another word I've wanted to use for a long time. It sounds dirty but it's not.

3) Watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy again and then watch some of Legendary Frog's LOTR flash movies on Newgrounds. You'll believe Sam has an unhealthy fixation with Frodo too.


	10. Scroll Four: Part One

I'm already planning my next fusion crackfic: it's Black & White/Naruto and answers the questions of where the bijuu come from, why they're so powerful, as well as toying with the idea of Naruto as an unwilling servant/plaything of a god.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Four, Part One: Naruto in the House!  
By Kaori

"Good work today." Kakashi said to his employees. "Our shift is over so we can go home."

"Finally." Moaned Sakura. "I'm so tired I could sleep for a week."

"Well I wouldn't recommend that since your next shift is Wednesday afternoon."

"Whatever, I'm going home." Said Sasuke, heading for the door. Sakura glomped onto his arm.

"Wait up! I'll come with you! We live in the same apartment building!" The boy looked horrified.

"We do?"

"Yeah! Once I found out where you lived I moved out of my parents' house and rented an apartment there! Now we can be close to each other!"

Sasuke, frantically tried to think of a way to ditch his creepy stalker / co-worker.

"Naruto, aren't you going home now?" Naruto cocked his head to the side.

"Um, I am home."

"What are you talking about? You can't live at the restaurant." Snorted Sasuke.

"Actually he does." Kakashi said. "Pull down your pants, Naruto."

"What! Why?" Not waiting for the boy to comply, Kakashi grabbed hold of him, turned him around so the other two could see his backside, and exposed the poor boy's derriere. Tattooed there were the words: Property of Konoha Ninja Burger.

"Is that legal?" blinked Sakura.

"Well, no but it's easier than adopting him." Quipped Kakashi. "And since he's property of the franchise he isn't permitted to leave the premises unless he has permission."

"Can I be franchise property too?" asked Sasuke.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because purchasing you from your parents is not in the budget, now go home. See you Wednesday, Naruto."

"Good night, sachou." Growled Naruto. "Sakura saw my ass…" he wailed once the door to the employee lounge had shut. Unfortunately it opened again to reveal a blushing Hyuuga, a laughing Inuzuka, an unreadable Aburame, and their bemused, red-eyed supervisor.

Kiba finally got himself under control long enough to ask why Naruto was still here when his shift is over.

"I live here." Was the simple answer.

"Huh? What do you mean, you live here? You can't live in a restaurant, idiot." Snorted Kiba.

"Actually…" Kurenai started to say but Naruto cut her off.

"Oh no! You're not pulling my pants down too!"

"What?"

"Never mind, I'm going to my room." Huffed the blonde, kicking the side of the couch. To the amazement of the other occupant's of the room, a section of the wall opened up, revealing a staircase. Before anyone could ask the blonde any questions, he disappeared into the wall and it closed behind him.

"Well, that was informative." Deadpanned Kurenai. "Shall we get to work then?" Her subordinates nodded mutely.

What most lower-level Ninja Burger Employees don't know (meaning anybody who hasn't either worked in restaurant for five years or more, or who are below management level) is that every Ninja Burger Restaurant location is riddled with secret passages, hidden rooms, sub-basements, sub-sub-basement, and several tunnels running beneath it (not including the local subway system). Naruto's room is more like a small dorm and is connected to the employee lounge by the secret staircase and the weapon's vault by a secret passageway in its ceiling. Theoretically the blonde could get to almost any room in the restaurant without being seen.

Turning on the television to drown out the muzak being piped into the restaurant, Naruto changed out of his uniform, poured some water into the teapot and opened the cupboard to decide which cup of instant ramen he was going to eat tonight.

Or at least he would have if he had any instant ramen.

"Dammit…" he growled. "I'm hungry…" Inspiration struck. "I know!"

Down in the employee lounge, Team 8 was about to leave on a delivery run. Unlike Kakashi, Kurenai was actually a responsible supervisor and was going along to make sure nothing happened to her rookie team. The secret panel opened up and Naruto barged into the room.

"Hey, are you guys going out on a delivery?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, what's it to you?" asked Kiba, packing extra ketchup packets into his red, dog -shaped, backpack that he lovingly referred to as Akamaru (1).

"Great! Can you pick me up some ramen on the way back? I'm all out."

"Like hell we will! What do you take us for?"

"Oh come on! I'm starving!" begged Naruto. "I'm not allowed to use the kitchen, I can't afford to order anything, and I can't leave the premises to get food myself!"

"Why can't you leave the premises?" asked Shino.

"I belong to the restaurant. Me leaving without authorization is like you guys stealing the couch."

"You belong to the restaurant? How the heck did that happen?"

"We're not allowed to talk about that." Said Kurenai, hurriedly. "Well, Naruto, since letting you go hungry would be abuse of company property and child neglect, I guess we have no choice but to do your grocery shopping."

"YAY!" cheered Naruto. "I need enough to last until the end of the week. The old man usually sends someone to restock my cupboard around then. Oh, and I only eat Ichiraku brand ramen. All the others are just nasty."

"Fine, anything else?"

"Umm…and if it's not too much trouble…" he motioned for Kurenai to bend down so he could whisper something in her ear.

"I'll see what I can do." Smiled the supervisor. "Come on team, we have work to do!"

_Will Team 8 get the ramen? What else did Naruto send for? Can Sasuke get a restraining order against Sakura? At least two of these questions will be answered in the next chapter_.

1) Since Akamaru is a dog, and the health inspectors would have a field day if he was "employed" at the restaurant, he has been replaced by a red dog-shaped backpack for this story.


	11. Scroll Four: Part Two

Akamaru backpacks for all!!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Four, Part Two: Mission - Ridiculous

By Kaori

Team 8 had a fairly easy delivery to the upper east side of town, or it would have been if the guy they were delivering food wasn't a lunatic, but that's behind them and they vowed never to speak of it again. Right now, Kurenai was driving to the Stop n' Shop as fast as the van could go.

"I still say we'd be better off letting him starve." Mumbled Kiba.

"And miss what is quite possibly your only chance to rob a convenience store?" Shino drawled. Kurenai stopped the van in surprise and Hinata and Kiba stared at their teammate in shock. A minute passed. "I was joking." The others let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "We'd probably get plenty of other chances to rob convenience stores."

Mass facefault.

"Am I the only normal person in this organization?" Kurenai wondered. "I swear it seems that lately only the weirdoes get through the Academy."

"Hey! I'm normal!" protested Kiba.

"Kiba, you have a pet backpack." Shino pointed out.

"And apparently you're a closet klepto." He shot back, then paused as something occurred to him. "Hey, sachou, what about Hinata? She's not weird."

Kurenai looked at the dark-haired girl as she fidgeted beside her. No, Hinata wasn't weird. Or rather she hadn't shown any strange obsessions or displayed any disturbing personality traits…yet. Kurenai had been wrong before.

She shuddered as she recalled the day she learned about the Fourth Franchise Manager's toad licking habit…

Back at Ninja Burger, Naruto was getting hungrier and hungrier and had decided to show his discomfort by rolling around the floor of the restaurant moaning. One customer felt sorry for him and throw him a pickle. He did this for twenty minutes before the manager, Ebisu, came out and dragged him back into the employee lounge.

"But I'm soooo hungry!" Naruto wailed. "Come on, Closet Perv-sachou! If you give me some food I'll tell you were Kakashi-sachou keeps his porn!"

"No! And stay out of the restaurant until it's time for your shift. Why don't you watch TV or something?" Ebisu suggested.

"I would, but the satellite dish is on the fritz and all I get is Food Network."

"Then go train in the sub-basement."

"I'm a rookie employee remember, I'm not authorized to train in the sub-basement until I've been working here a year."

"Just, find something to take your mind off your hunger. You're a ninja, aren't you? Start acting like it!" and he stomped off to his office.

"Find something to take my mind off my hunger eh?"

[Many thanks to kittydemon18 who provided the inspiration for this next scene.

"Welcome to Konoha Ninja Burger, how may I help you?" asked the ninja at the counter.

"Hi, may I have one Samurai Chicken Sandwich, an Onion Death Blossom, a large cola and a Ninja Little Human Meal?" asked the customer.

"Certainly. Your total is $14.50."

"Stop!" a voice commanded, seemingly coming from everywhere at once. "You must order Number 8!"

"But that comes with a Ninja Burger and French Fries, I don't want that I want a Samurai Chicken Sandwich and an Onion Death Blossom." Blinked the customer.

"I care not! Order Number 8!" barked the voice.

"Why should I?"

"Because if you don't, I will follow you home playing THIS!"

Polka music started blaring through the restaurant.

"AAAAGHH!" wailed the customers in line. The ninjas working the counter merely glared at the ducts, having been trained to withstand such torture but still annoyed by the obnoxious music.

"ORDER NUMBER 8!"

"Do as he says!" cried the other customers.

"All right! All right! I change my order to a Number 8, but I also want an Onion Death Blossom." Instantly the polka music stopped.

"Very good sir, do you still want the Ninja Little Human Meal?"

"Er, yes."

"Your new total is $16.50. Would you like extra wasabi sauce? It's only fifty cents more." Said the Counter-nin.

"N…" the customer started to say but was cut off by polka music. "Yes! Anything, just no more polka!"

"Thank you. Please pick up your order at the counter to your right. Next customer please."

"Umm, hello. I'd like two Double Ninja Burgers and two Large Colas." Said the next customer.

"Order two Number 9s!" the voice demanded.

"But I don't want French Fries…" simpered the customer. Loud polka music blared over the restaurant. "No! Wait! I changed my mind! I'd like two Number 9s!"

"A wise decision. That will be $18.00. Please proceed to the right."

Up in the ventilation system Naruto chuckled with glee. He'd found a Mardi Gras mask a top hat and an oversized cape in a storage room. The boom box and polka CD were taken from the weapons vault; apparently it was intended to be used in case of Emo Invasion. He was about to demand that the customer at the counter order four Samurai Chicken Sandwiches when he was grabbed by the cape, dragged through the ventilation shaft, and into the Manager's office.

"Naruto…" growled Ebisu.

"Eh heh heh…um…Beware the wrath of the Phantom of the Franchise?" tried Naruto. Ebisu glared.

Team 8 arrived at the Stop n' Shop and hastily ducked into the side-alley before proceeding to the back entrance. Swiftly and silently they entered, ducking behind shelves and concealing themselves in and as displays. As they approached the aisle where the ramen was kept, however, they were ambushed…

"Foolish ninja, you will not pilfer ramen from _this_ store!" a self-important voice boomed. "Not while I, Hirogata Daisuke, am here!"

"Great, a samurai." Grumbled Kiba. "We're going to have to listen to him go on and on about honour and The Way of the Pizza Slicer (1) while we beat the crap out of him."

"You will be taught honour and The Way of the Pizza Slicer but it is because I will be beating it into _you_!" boasted Daisuke, placing his hand on the hilt of his sword. "However, if you withdraw peacefully and repent from thieving, I will be merciful and spare you your trouncing."

"Idiot, we're not here to rob the place!"

"Then why are you sneaking about?"

"We're ninja, we're supposed to be sneaky." Shino noted. "When was the last time you saw a ninja enter through the front door when there is another viable entrance?"

"Well, truthfully, I only recently became a Samurai Pizza employee and you're the first ninja I've met." Daisuke said sheepishly. "Still, honour dictates I must fight and defeat any ninja I see or commit seppuku."

Hinata nodded. The Ninja Burger Standards and Practices Manual (which doubles as a floatation device), has a section devoted to fighting samurai as well. It states the following:

Single ninja versus single samurai – both must fight to the death (the samurai for his honour, the ninja for the honour of his ancestors)

Single ninja versus group of samurai – ninja must fight and kill all enemies or risk dishonouring his ancestors and the franchise. If the ninja sees that his defeat is inevitable, he must not permit himself to be killed by the samurai and immediately commit seppuku. Failing to do this will result in additional loss of honour and his pension proceeds will default to the franchise.

Group of ninja versus group of samurai – both parties must first seek approval from their respective franchises before engaging in mortal combat.

Group of ninja versus single samurai – avoid combat if possible (2). If combat is unavoidable, only the most senior ninja must engage the samurai while the others proceed with their mission.

The Hyuuga had to wonder if Samurai Pizza's Standards and Practices Manual was similar.

Kurenai, signalled for her team to stand by as she circled the samurai. "Hirogata Daisuke, I Yuuhi Kurenai challenge you! I will not let my fellow ninja go hungry!"

Will Team 8 be able to complete Naruto's task? And just what exactly did he ask Kurenai to get? Keep monitoring this site to find out.

1) One of Ninja Burger's rivals is Samurai Pizza.

2) These are the rules of a Ninja vs Samurai game I used to play. Basically a single ninja can defeat a group of samurai and a single samurai can defeat a group of ninja. However, it's a coin toss when a group of ninja battles a group of samurai.


	12. Scroll Four: Part Three

"The cake is a lie." - Portal

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Four, Part Three: Cleanup Aisle 9  
By Kaori

Kurenai squared off against Daisuke. True he was an admitted rookie Samurai Pizza Deliveryman, but she was not about to make the mistake of underestimating him. After all, it was a close quarters one on one fight.

"I don't relish the idea of killing women," Daisuke said. "but as you seem to have no qualms about killing me I'm afraid I shall have to end your life."

"How very chivalrous of you." Kurenai said dryly, trying very hard not to just walk up to him and smack him upside the head.

"My parents raised me to treat all women, even if they are filthy kunoichi, with respect." Apparently Daisuke has trouble sensing sarcasm.

Kiba, Shino, and Hinata had long since finished procuring Naruto's ramen and were cruising the store for free samples.

Well, cruising may be the wrong term for it as they used their stealthy ninja techniques to sneak up behind the store attendant handing out the samples and take what they wanted without anyone noticing. Cruising tends to involve far less subtlety.

"Mmm…Szechuan flavour…" Kiba munched on some meatballs. "Hey, isn't the company running a contest to pick the flavours for the three dipping sauces for the new menu item?"

"The chicken tenders?" Hinata asked. "I thought they weren't going to put that on the menu until everyone could agree on the name."

"I still say we should go with Kunoichi Tender Bits." Kiba started to drool a little. "We can market them as hot, juicy, and dripping w..."

"Kiba!" blushed Hinata.

"…with sauce. What?" Hinata just puffed out her cheeks in embarrassed annoyance. "Fine, be that way. Ooh look, kettle corn!"

"Shouldn't we be getting back to Kurenai-sachou?" commented Shino.

"After we get some kettle corn." Kiba said, adamantly.

Kurenai and Daisuke were still staring each other down when the rookie Delivarators came back to the aisle with their kettle corn (which Shino was secretly going to purchase after work. Yes it's that delicious.).

"Oi, Kurenai-sachou, why isn't that guy dead?" Kiba asked, after he and his teammates got comfortable on top of the shelves.

"This chivalrous bastard insists that I make the first move." Spat Kurenai. "But if I did that it would give him the advantage. Samurai Pizza's guys are highly trained at counterattacking and parries."

"But I was always taught "ladies first", surely you would not want me to dishonour my family by not adhering to the wisdom of my elders?" whined Daisuke.

"Well I'm not going to dishonour mine by giving an opening to a self-righteous samurai. Look, there's a kid back at our restaurant that's starving to death and we need to get this ramen to him before he dies. So be a nice pansy and let me kill you."

The rookies facefaulted.

"A starving child?" gasped Daisuke. "Samurai and an enemy to ninja everywhere I may be, but I would never allow a child to starve! Even if that child is a despicacable ninja. Forgive my rashness!" he fished around in his armour until he found his wallet and handed over about fifty dollars. "Here, take this, for the kid."

"Score!" thought Kurenai. Out loud she said. "Thank you, but there's still the small matter of our fighting to the death."

"Forget about it, I'm actually not on duty right now so even if we did fight it wouldn't really count. Let's just pretend this never happened." And he turned and walked away only to get stabbed in the back with a kunai. Shocked, he turned around in time to see Kurenai yank it out. "W…why?" he coughed.

"Honour and the company manual dictate that I must kill you. Besides only an idiot turns their back to an enemy." She shrugged and Daisuke fell over dead. As an afterthought she went through his wallet and took the rest of his money. "All right, just one more thing to get and we can be on our way."

Once they had paid for their purchases, they piled into the van and returned to the restaurant where they were just in time to see Eibisu the Shift Manager marching Naruto (who was still in his Phantom of the Franchise getup) off at sword-point.

"Ebisu-san, what's all this?" asked Kurenai.

"This little idiot was in the ventilation system moaning about typhoid and scaring the customers. Before that he was up there terrorizing them with polka music and forcing them to make expensive orders." Ebisu said.

"That last bit doesn't sound so bad." Shrugged Kiba.

"And that's why you're just a Deliverator and I'm a Shift Manager. Terrorizing the customers is bad for business."

"So is killing them, but nobody gets on our case about that."

"We only kill the ones that don't pay."

"Never mind about all that now!" whined Naruto. "Did you get my stuff?"

"Ah, yes." Smiled Kurenai, handing him the grocery bag. "Here you go, a week's worth of Ichiraku brand ramen and a box of assorted chocolates." Naruto gratefully took the box.

"Oooh, assorted chocolates." Mocked Kiba. "You got a date tonight?"

"You know I can't leave Kiba." Glared Naruto.

"Then what's the fancy candy for?"

"Wouldn't you just love to know."

Later that night…

"Aaah…" sighed Naruto, lowering himself a little further into the bubbling water. He'd commandeered a deep fat fryer (heaven only knows how he managed to move it without help) from storage and modified it into a hot tub and was now luxuriating in it with a towel wrapped around his head and a copy of "A Farce to be Reckoned With (1)" in hand. Languidly he reached for the chocolates that Kurenai had procured for him and popped one into his mouth. "Oh yeah, life is good."

_Yep, Naruto's a diva. Scroll Five has Sasuke's screwed up home life; Sakura stalking Sasuke; and Kakashi doing nothing important but we have to follow him around anyway to be fair._

1) This is the book I'm currently reading. I've finished the two books that came before it; "Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming" and "If at Faust You Don't Succeed".


	13. Scroll Five: Part One

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Five, Part One: Sasuke's Day Off  
By Kaori

WHIZZZZZ…THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! Sasuke awoke just in time to avoid being murdered by shuriken.

"Dammit dad!" he yelled. "It's four in the morning!"

"WRONG! It is four o' one and fifty-two seconds in the morning! You should have been awake fifty…" a pause. "a minute and a half ago! Do you want to disgrace this family by being late for work?"

"It's my day off."

"LIAR! You probably got fired!"

"WHAAAAAAAT!" Uchiha Makoto's voice echoed. "SASUKE GOT FIRED? WHY GOD! WHY DID YOU CURSE ME WITH SUCH A DISGRACE?" Sasuke buried his head under his pillow and groaned. Why did stuff like this happen to him every morning? And just when he thought the situation couldn't get any worse…

"Mother, father, what's going on?"

"Oh Itachi!" wailed Makoto. "Your brother has dishonoured us all and has been fired!"

"How can that be, he's right there." Itachi pointed. "Had he actually been fired he wouldn't be here."

"Reh?" she poked her head in the door. "Oh, so he is…which means…OH MY GOD MY SON'S A ZOMBIE!"

"First you get fired and now you further dishonour us by becoming the undead? Have you no shame?" yelled Fugaku Uchiha.

"I DID NOT GET FIRED AND I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!"

"Get back Makoto. Itachi, protect your mother!" Fugaku declared grabbing the kodachi that had been hanging on the wall outside of Sasuke's room (which was there for the sole purpose of killing the boy should he dishonour the family).

"Um, said he wouldn't be here," Itachi deadpanned, as Sasuke desperately tried to protect himself from his father (who was trying to decapitate him). "I meant that he'd have been dead and there wouldn't be enough of him left for there to _be_ a zombie. The company is very strict about that. It's probably just Sasuke's day off." Fugaku stopped mid slash.

"Oh." He said nonchalantly, sheathing the sword and then glaring at Sasuke. "Why didn't you just say it was your day off?" Sasuke passed out.

How long he had been out he wasn't certain, but as he came around he got the eerie feeling that he was being watched. Groggily, he tried to sit up but couldn't; something heavy was draped over his right side. He turned his head and suddenly got a nose full of something soft, pink and that smelled like strawberries.

"Good morning Sasuke-kuuuun!" cooed Sakura.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Faster than the human eye could follow he grabbed the girl and threw her out the window, belatedly remembering that he lived on the seventeenth floor. Oh well, she was a ninja, she'd be fine. And with that happy thought he prepared to get on with his day.

Entering the kitchen / dining room, his breakfast was still on the table and his mother was waiting for him; tears streaming down her face as she bit her handkerchief.

"I worked and slaved over a hot stove to prepare a beautiful breakfast for you, and now it's cold. You didn't even come down to say good morning to your father and brother!" She fell on her knees in a fit of sobbing. "Oh why does my son hate me so?"

Sasuke ignored her theatrics in favour of putting the food in the microwave to heat and getting some orange juice from the refrigerator. The carton of orange juice was noticeably light. He peered inside it. There was about a quarter of a cup of juice left inside. He growled low in his throat. Damn that Itachi, this was his doing. How was he supposed to get his full day's supply of vitamin C now? Sighing (for the thousandth time that morning) he was about to simply drink the remaining juice from the carton only to have it slapped out of his hands by his mother.

"Did I raise a barbarian?" she screeched. "Use a glass!"

Itachi chose that moment to walk into the kitchen.

"Mother, I'm going to work now." He said. Makoto's mood did a complete one-eighty.

"Okay dear, have a wonderful day!" she smiled brightly as he walked out the door. "Aah, such a perfect child!" Sasuke decided to leave while his mother was still fantasizing about the ever so perfect Itachi.

It was going to rain soon, which suited Sasuke just fine because it meant that Itachi's hair would be frizzy by the time he got to work. Sasuke took a tiny measure of satisfaction in that knowledge; his brother wasn't so perfect.

Sasuke, however, had inherited the perfect hair genes and was guaranteed to have perfect hair forever (1); his sole consolation for the crap he had to put up with every day.

His parents hadn't always like that. They used to gush about his achievements almost as much as Itachi's but it all changed after Itachi started working at Konoha Ninja Burger.

Itachi had graduated from Ninja Burger Academy in two weeks, and in the space of a year had managed to get into the Ninja Resources Department. Ever since then their parents had constantly bemoaned that Sasuke wasn't as bright, talented, or amazing as Itachi, wailed that the younger Uchiha was going to bring down eternal shame on the family name, and wondered what they did to deserve such a disgrace and whether things would have been different if Sasuke had been born female (and then squelched that thought because they figured with their luck, he would've been born an ugly girl).

While it was true that Sasuke had graduated top of his class, he had taken a year to graduate and his grades weren't as impressive. Itachi had all A's, Sasuke averaged an A-. He had been made a Deliverator, Itachi had gone straight to the Drive-Thru window.

Sasuke clenched his hands in a fist. He would show them, though. He was not going to lose to Itachi. He'd do the one thing Itachi couldn't: become Employee of the Year in six months!

"Itachi! Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower!" Sasuke screamed to the sky.

As if trying to cool the teenager's rage, it started to rain.

1) That show makes no sense but it makes me laugh.


	14. Scroll Five: Part Two

_And I say who  
And they say "who dat"  
And I say who dat who say "who dat" when I say dat?  
Who dat?_

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Five, Part Two: Stalk-Fu  
By Kaori

She knelt before the shrine, miko's prayer staff in hand and incense swirling in the air; both items stolen from the temple three blocks away (securing her eternal damnation but she doesn't care about that). She hadn't gotten up as early this morning, seeing as it was her day off, but even if she were dying she would never miss an opportunity to pray to her Sasuke-kun before heading out to prey on him. Speaking of which, she had better hurry.

Sakura, still in her pyjamas, crept onto the fire escape and made her way to the next apartment. The window was locked but that is no obstacle to a ninja. Taking the glass cutter out of her hair, she quickly cut a hand-sized hole in the pane, carefully removed the cut-out section, and deftly opened the window.

"Oh be still my beating heart!" she whispered. Sasuke was still in bed. Carefully, she slipped herself next to him and slowly positioned herself so that she was partially lying on his chest. "May this moment never end…"

She wasn't sure when she had fallen asleep but she was awakened when the object of her obsession cried out. The next thing she knew she was falling to her death. Unnervingly unperturbed by the situation, Sakura formed a set of handsigns and…

"Dead Totoro no Jutsu! (1)" Instantly a dead Totoro appeared beneath her, effectively breaking her fall and saving her from certain death. With her life no longer in peril, Sakura straightened her hair and went back inside to console her love. After all, he must be stricken with grief after realizing that he had accidentally threw her out of his window.

The thought processes of the delusional mind are frightening indeed...

So distracted was she by her own delusions that she almost missed Sasuke walking right by her in what looked to her like a state of distress. Breaking out of her fantasies, she followed him...at a distance of exactly ten feet so as not to startle him. After all, he must still be mourning her death. She'd have to approach him carefully so that she doesn't frighten him into a psychotic episode.

She caught up with her "boyfriend" right after he made his declaration to the heavens that he was not going to lose to Itachi and just in time to get caught in the rain with him. "This is just too perfect!" she squealed in a whisper. Pretending to have just arrived, she ran up to him. "Sasuke! What a coincidence!"

"Sakura?" blinked Sasuke as he turned around, much too late to avoid being grabbed by his over-amorous co-worker. "Awwwkggggrrrlllbbblll..." He fell limp in her arms; an overcharged tazer will do that to a person. "Oh no! Sasuke-kun has fainted from shock!" (Well...she's not lying...) "I shall have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" (I'm pretty sure that's not the correct treatment for someone who was just electrocuted...) "You shut up!" (Holy shit she can hear me!) "Sasuke-kun...your lips are mine!"

"HELL TO THE NO!" a new voice yelled. With timing that can only be attributed to happy coincidence or plot contrivance, Yamanaka Ino came up to save the day. "If anybody's going to take Sasuke's first kiss it's going to be me!" Or not... "Get away from him!" And she shoved Sakura out of the way.

Of course, Sakura was not about to be denied and kicked Ino in the back. Soon they were fighting and yelling; scratching at each other's faces, pulling hair, screaming obscenities, and tearing clothing. During the melee Sasuke, miraculously recovering from electrocution, made himself scarce; crawling away from the scene on his hands and knees until he was a significant distance away.

Neither girl would notice that he was gone until they themselves recovered from double knock-out several hours later.

_Next time, it's Kakashi's turn. What __**does**__ he do on his days off? Well, wait a bit and we'll see._

1) Google 101 Things to Do with a Dead Totoro. It should be the first link that pops up.


	15. Scroll Five: Part Three

Grabity!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Five, Part Three: Out and About with Hatake Kakashi  
By Kaori

Kakashi didn't wake up until the middle of the afternoon. Why get up when you don't have to? After the usual routine of stretching, scratching, and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he zombie walked to the bathroom to finally start his day.

Halfway through his shower he heard knocking at his door. Seeing as none of his friends ever came through the door and the cleaning lady only comes on Monday's, it could only be the landlord.

"Hatake!" he yelled. "I know yer in dere, ya bobo I kin hear de shower runnin'! Get out here and pay me mah rent!"

Hatake Kakashi was not well-liked by the landlord, Hao Mai-Sun. The silver-haired man had incurred the wrath of the balding Taiwanese after wondering out loud why the hell the older man had a thick Jamaican accent. Long story short it was the end result of speech therapy gone wrong and Mr. Hao is extremely sensitive about it.

Kakashi had not been warned beforehand about Mr. Hao's sensitivity and the ninja had been on the landlord's shit list ever since. If his rent isn't paid in full by midnight on the day it was due, Mr. Hao comes banging on the door; like now.

"HATAKE!" BANG BANG BANG! "Don' mek me get mah keys!" To his satisfaction, he could hear the tumblers on the locks turning and the bolts turning back. The door opened just a crack, but instead of the lazy-looking young man he had been expecting, there was a green-eyed blonde woman instead; and she was only wearing a towel.

"You must be Mr. Hao." Said the woman. "Kakashi's not here right now but he left me the rent. If you'll just give me a moment…"

Mr. Hao watched, mesmerized as the girl turned around seemingly in slow motion…and the towel got caught on the door.

"Yeek!" the girl desperately tried to cover herself but it was too late, Mr. Hao had seen everything and was still staring. "You pervert!" she started throwing things at him.

"No! Wait! (ouch) I didn't mean tuh (ouch) look! Put down de en' table! ACK!" when it was clear that she wasn't listening to him (i.e. when she prepared to throw the couch), he made a run for it.

The naked girl turned into a fully clothed Hatake Kakashi. "Well, I guess I need to buy a new end table." He said.

Since he had to go downtown to the furniture store anyway, he decided that he may as well drop off his dry cleaning on the way. After thoroughly going through all his pants pockets for loose change and the occasional phone number, he bundled all the clothes into a pillowcase and headed out.

The streets were crowded and the subway even more so. Thankfully, a ninja can travel by less conventional means to get from place to place. Most people don't notice ninja walking on the telephone wires; mostly because ninja are _fast_ bastards, but also because people seldom look up.

He made it to the dry cleaner's in record time.

"Good afternoon 'Patra." Kakashi greeted the bored-looking girl behind the counter.

"Hey Kakashi, haven't seen you in a while. You been busy?"

Kakashi hefted the pillowcase onto the counter and started taking out his uniforms while making idle chitchat.

"Okay, you can pick up your clothes on Friday." 'Patra said, handing him the laundry ticket.

"My thanks. Now that that's out of the way what are you doing tonight sweet Cleopatra?" purred Kakashi grabbing her hands. She swatted him.

"Get out of here you old pervert!"

"I'm not old…" he said as he exited; her laughter ringing in his ears. He smiled. Ah, the sound of a pretty girl laughing…he could listen to it for hours.

The furniture store wasn't very far from the dry cleaner's and it took him less than twenty minutes to get there.

Sosumi's Furniture Store; he'd bought all of his furniture from this place. Their merchandise was high quality, but affordable. Plus, there was another reason he liked this particular store so much…

"Kyaah! Kakashiiiii!" squealed a bikini-clad brunette in the pool furniture section.

All the salesgirls dressed in outfits relating to the furniture they were selling.

"Hi Linda." Smiled Kakashi.

"We haven't seen you in months! Hey girls, look who's here!"

Three more salesgirls came out of the other areas in the store. A platinum blonde in a maid's outfit from the dining furniture section, a strawberry blonde in a negligee from the bedroom furniture section, and another brunette in a short skirt and tank top from the living room furniture section.

"Oh!" exclaimed the salesgirl in the negligee. "Kakashi would it kill you to stop by and visit?"

"Now Janet, if I came by all the time you girls would never miss me and your boss would think I'm a stalker."

"You could still call." Pouted the platinum blonde.

"All right you've got me there. But Michelle, you can call me too…" he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively causing the girls to giggle.

"All flirting aside, what can we do for you?" asked the other brunette.

"I'm so glad you asked, because I actually need your help Francis."

"Oh?"

"Yes, my end table met with an unfortunate accident this morning and I am in need of a replacement." He suddenly appeared behind her. "I'm looking for something…sturdy." He whispered that last part in her ear as he ran a finger up her spine. Predictably she shivered.

"Follow me round the back and let's see if something…entices you."

Fifteen minutes later, Kakashi had paid for his new end table and was exiting the store. Francis guaranteed it would be delivered first thing in the morning.

And no, nothing indecent happened in the back of the store...except in Kakashi's little fantasy world.

"I should really break my furniture more often." Thought Kakashi, as the cute salesgirls waved at him from the door. "Let's see, if I hurry I should be able to rent some porn before I have to get changed to meet up with Gai, Anko, and Asuma at the bar…"

_Tell the truth, how many of you were actually expecting Kakashi to do normal things on his day off? Next scroll we take a look at the Ninja Resources Department because apparently there isn't enough Itachi in this story… (sounds of Sasuke cursing the authoress)_


	16. Scroll Six: Part One

For the sake of this story all members of the Akatsuki look relatively normal (with the exception of Tobi who looks the same). Kisame does not have blue skin but he does have blue hair and pointy teeth, Sasori doesn't have a puppet body but he still looks like a little kid because he suffers from Peter Pan's Syndrome (made up disease, or at least I think it is), Zetsu is the department's man-eating giant Venus Flytrap, Deidara only has tattoos of mouths on his palms, and you can't tell what Kakuzu looks like at all because he's always wearing a full Ninja Burger uniform.

Also for the sake of this story Uchiha Madara is Itachi and Sasuke's uncle and Tobi is Madara's son.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Six, Part One: Ninja Resources Department  
By Kaori

In Konoha Ninja Burger Headquarters building, on the ninth floor, between the second water cooler and the filing room (no not that one, the one across from Accounting) is the Ninja Resources Department. Paperwork is piled onto desks in a haphazard manner obscuring the people behind them from view. If you're wondering how any work gets done in there you are focusing on the wrong thing. What you should be asking is why the people behind the desks are cardboard cut-outs.

If you had been paying attention when you entered you'd have realized that, with the exception of the concierge and the janitorial staff, the whole building is full of crash test dummies, cardboard cut-outs, and out-of-work movie extras.

So where is the real KNB HQ? That's a secret. Just be thankful you won't be killed for even knowing it exists.

Hidan stood in front of a mirror slicking back his already greasy hair. He turned his head from side to side. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest one of all!"

"Me." Deadpanned Itachi from his desk. He was sipping coffee while looking through various employment applications. "There is no one in this department sexier than me." Konan rolled her eyes.

"And no one nearly as arrogant."

"You know you want me."

"Yeah, in traction."

"Ooh, kinky."

"I have half a mind to cut you up for sexual harassment." She glared.

"But you won't do it because you secretly enjoy this." Purred Itachi. Konan shivered. Damn him for being so sexy.

"Ugh, get a room you two!" jeered Hidan.

The office trapdoor opened and up popped Deidara. "I'm back, un. Zetsu tried to bite my hand off again."

"Well if you'd use the stick like everybody else you wouldn't have to worry about him biting your hands off." Konan pointed out.

"Itachi doesn't use the stick and Zetsu doesn't even snap at him un. Hell, Zetsu even lets Itachi pet him!"

"So what? Tobi can pet Zetsu too." Noted Hidan, punching a hole in the other man's argument. Deidara gave Hidan the "talk to the hand" gesture (both the mouths tattooed on his hands have their tongues sticking out for the sole purpose of this insult). "Oh you did not just give me the hand!" Deidara flipped him off. "That's it!" He attacked the long-haired blonde.

"Why do we even have that thing in the first place?" Sasori wondered aloud. "Furthermore why does it have a name?"

"Tobi-kun thought the office looked dreary so he bought the plant." Shrugged Itachi. "He's been calling it Zetsu ever since it ate one of the external auditors."

"I heard it's even on the employee roster." Commented Konan.

"It was the only way we could get away with paying for the Miracle Gro and steaks with company money." Said Kakuzu. "Our department is relatively small so we can get away with it."

"Speaking of getting away with things, has anybody seen Tobi today?" asked Sasori.

"Who knows." Shrugged Kisame. "Probably causing trouble somewhere. Your cousin needs a leash Itachi."

"The last time I saw him he was headed for the interview rooms." said Itachi. "As for the leash I seriously doubt that would do any good."

Ninja Burger doesn't have a standard interview process (which is unusual for such a large company) save for one detail: if you don't get hired you won't live long enough to feel sorry for yourself.

Tobi stood by the boiling deep fat fryer humming a cheerful tune; totally inappropriate when the person you're interviewing is hanging upside-down no more than seven centimetres above said fryer. Then again, this is a ninja owned and operated organization…

"Hey, all of your screaming is causing me to go off key." Whined Tobi, lowering the poor fool down another centimetre.

"I just came here for an interview!" wailed the prospective trainee.

"I'll decide what you came here for Mr…." he looked at the resume. "Ishida (2), if that is your real name."

"What's going on Tobi-kun?" a voice asked from behind him. It was Pain, the Assistant Manager.

"Oh, Pain-san! I have discovered a corporate spy!" bubbled Tobi.

"I'M NOT A SPY! I CAME HERE FOR A JOB INTERVIEW!" cried Ishida, who got lowered another centimetre towards the hot oil for his trouble.

"Tobi-kun, let the poor man go…" sighed Pain, well used to this sort of thing happening. Stopping his boss' son's antics was a regular part of his daily regimen.

After poor Ishida was released, Pain apologized for Tobi's behaviour and sent him on his way. Once the man was out of earshot, he sent a team of Ninja Resources assassins to take care of him. Rules are rules after all and if the man somehow managed to survive, they'd bring him in for a follow-up interview.

"Tobi-kun, you know you're not supposed to conduct job interviews. You're a clerk." Pain chastised.

"I got bored with the filing and the bears don't need feeling for another hour!" Tobi complained.

"So you decided to conduct a job interview?"

"I thought if I did a good job, maybe outosan would put in a request to management that I be promoted to officer."

"Did you even finish the filing like you were supposed to?"

"Noooo..."

"Well you won't get promoted unless you finish the tasks that are assigned to you."

"Oh no! I'll get back to it right away!" and he sped off.

Pain shook his head. The boy was so predictable.

_Next chapter, Tsunade, Shizune, and the D.E.A.T.H.S Ninja! _

1) Seppuku isn't always fatal (unless you have a second person there to cut off your head after you stab yourself) but it does hurt like hell.

2) No it's not Uryu, I needed a name and that was the first that came to mind.


	17. Scroll Six: Part Two

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Six, Part Two: Department of Employee And Trainee Health Services  
By Kaori

The Department of Employee And Trainee Health Services (D.E.A.T.H.S) is devoted to the medical needs of Ninja Burgers employees and wannabe employees. They heal everything from chipped teeth to sucking chest wounds, burnt fingers to brain tumours. There was even a rumour that Tsunade, the Head Medic, had a secret one-shot cure for throat cancer; it turned out to just be an elaborate hangover cure.

And speaking of Tsunade...

"Next!" barked the blonde, her staff waiting behind her to receive their assignments. The Deputy Head Nurse, Shizune, opened the door and two orderlies brought in the next patient.

"Compound fractures in the legs, cracked ribs, and a cold sore." Recited Shizune.

"Right then. Yume! Gaiju!" snapped Tsunade. Immediately the two named D.E.A.T.H.S ninja stood up straighter. "He's all yours." Yume and Gaiju broke ranks, took hold of the gurney and raced off followed by the orderlies. "Next!"

Two more orderlies entered as Shizune once again opened the door, announcing that this patient was suffering from sword wounds about the torso and arms.

"Nodoka and Jun, take this one. Next!"

"Broken nose and a severed arm." Announced Shizune.

"Pasento, Aisho, this one's for you. Next!"

This time Shizune didn't even get a chance to open the door as it was thrown open by a hysterical shinobi.

"Tsunade-sama! Please! Just examine me!"

"Ahomaru how many times do I have to tell you? You can't possibly be pregnant, you're a man! Get out of my office!" Two orderlies suddenly ran in the room and subdued the obviously mentally disturbed man and dragged him off to the psychiatric ward. "Honestly...NEXT!" A purple-haired kunoichi walked in the room clutching her bleeding hand. "You tried to kidnap Zetsu again didn't you, Anko?" deadpanned Tsunade. "Keiko this one's all yours. Next!"

Tsunade spent a few more hours taking care of accident and emergency cases before handing the reigns over to Shizune while she went back to her office to deal with the dreaded reports.

Report writing is something that is done at every level of the business not because they have any shareholders to report to, or even for an audit trail. No, the only reason that the paperwork exists is because it makes everything seem so much more official and...well...businesslike. If one were to be perfectly honest, D.E.A.T.H.S and Accounting are the only two departments with any real need for paperwork. Medical records need to be kept on each patient to avoid unnecessary deaths, and accounting records are kept to prevent unnecessary deaths (1).

At any rate, once the paperwork was done, Tsunade usually checked on the in-patients. Although there was one patient she took special pleasure in visiting...

"And how are we feeling today?" she asked, sweetly.

"Dammit Tsunade, when I get out of here I'm going to sue for malpractice." Glared the white-haired man who had been completely immobilized in a full-body cast and placed in traction. This wasn't to assist in his recovery, but to prevent him from obtaining further injuries.

"You can try, but everyone knows that if I don't restrain you, you'll just get yourself beat up by the nurses. I don't need you in here any longer than necessary taking up valuable hospital space, Jiraiya." She gave a grin. "After all, that's why you're in here in the first place."

"I'd have been perfectly fine if that little blonde kid hadn't blown my cover." Grumbled the man. "If I ever see him again I'll be sure to return the favour!"

"Yeah, yeah. I still can't believe you were trying to get the secretary to take off her top."

"It would have worked too if that damn kid hadn't completely ruined my disguise!" he pouted. "I worked so hard on it..."

"Whatever, I'm just thankful you didn't succeed. Now, have the nurses come to check on you yet?"

"One came in earlier to make sure I hadn't escaped." Grumbled Jiraiya. "Why do you keep sending the old, ugly nurses? Why not some cute, young thing?"

"I refuse to dignify that with an answer."

"Tsunade-sensei (2)," a nurse popped her head in the door, forestalling any further conversation between the two old friends. "you're needed in surgery. A Deliverator was brought in and he's got a...well it's best if you see for yourself."

"All right, I'm on my way. I'll be back to check on you later Jiraiya."

Now, one would presume that people would be performing surgery in the operating room and normally you would be right. Today, however, it was being used to inaugurate the newest addition to the D.E.A.T.H.S staff and nobody wanted to be killed for not inviting the Head Medic; especially since they were serving her favourite sake.

"Congratulations, Haku!" cheered the assembled staff, raising their glasses. Haku looked embarrassed at all the attention but raised his glass nonetheless.

"Now you're a real doctor." Zabuza, one of the surgeons who had been Haku's teacher throughout his internship, said. "I'm so proud of you!" he suddenly grabbed the boy into a tight hug and started crying into his hair.

"Zabuza-sensei...can't breathe!" Apparently Zabuza had been drinking before the party even started.

"You're like the son I always wanted!" the man continued, ignoring the asphyxiating young man. Fortunately for Haku, Tsunade knocked Zabuza out before he was suffocated.

The party quickly degenerated into a wanton orgy of pranks on the patients. The true consequences of which would not become apparent for another week or so when all the patients developed dysentery. But a good time was had by all and isn't that what's really important?

_Intentionally Short Chapter no Jutsu! Next chapter, we go back on duty with Team 7!_

1) Think about that sentence carefully, you either understand or you don't. If you don't understand I highly recommend that you _not_ consider running a business.

2) –sensei is sometimes used when addressing doctors.


	18. Scroll Six: Part Three

I'm either utterly brilliant or completely insane. Then again, is there really a difference?

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Six, Part Three: Dinner and a Movie  
By Kaori

7:30 pm and Sasuke had just arrived at the restaurant.

"I never thought I'd be happy to be going back to work." Muttered Sasuke as he punched in his timecard. "And I never thought I'd actually miss Naruto."

"And just what's wrong with me?" To his credit, Sasuke didn't jump in the air and scream like a little girl, but he didn't turn around either.

"How long have you been standing behind me?"

"I just got here."

"Ah." Sasuke executed a massive spinning kick, sending Naruto sprawling across the corridor. Wasting no time he then proceeded to stomp the blonde. "DON'T YOU EVER SNEAK UP ON ME AGAIN!"

"Ack...I shouldn't...oof...be able to...STOPPIT...sneak up on you at all!" Naruto grabbed Sasuke's leg and threw him off balance. His revenge was short-lived as a fist connected to his head.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SASUKE?"

"Good evening to you too, Sakura." Moaned Naruto.

"I'm here too, you know." a low voice drawled from the ceiling. Team 7 looked up and spotted their lackadaisical supervisor. "Yo." He waved from behind his porno mag.

"Must you read that filth in front of me?" snarled Sakura.

"Of course, how else will I have time to surf for porn on the Internet?"

"Why you..." the rosette looked like she was going to try and throttle Kakashi but the silver-haired man held up a finger.

"Ah, ah, ah! Insubordination results in loss of honour and you'll have to clean the bear cages for a month." Chided Kakashi. "Now come along minions, let's not keep customers waiting."

"Huh?" blinked Sakura and Sasuke.

"Oh, didn't Naruto tell you? We have a delivery already."

To Naruto's credit, he didn't even bat an eye at the two glares levelled at him. No, instead he threw down a wasabi powder bomb and disappeared.

He didn't reappear again until Kakashi came back from the dispatch office.

"Just in time." Said the Supervisor.

"I was watching you guys from the Security Room."

"You're allowed in there?"

"No, but since when has that ever stopped anybody?"

"Touche."

"Can we just go already?" glared Sasuke.

"Oh, right." Kakashi handed him the delivery bag. "You're assignment is to get that to the movie theatre on the south side of town."

At said movie theatre two stoners were getting their tickets.

"Duuude, I hear this movie has some awesome special effects." Said one.

"Yah, it's gonna be killer!" the other agreed. "But dude, I've got a serious case of the munchies and we have, like, no money left? Are you suuuure we're gonna get snacks?"

"Kevin I already said it's taken care of. My bro hooked me up with this sweet delivery service..."

"This is stupid." Sakura complained as Team 7 hopped across the rooftops. "Why are we delivering food to a movie theatre?"

"Ours is not to question why, so shut up." Deadpanned Sasuke.

"Of course Sasuke-kun!" gushed the pink-haired one. "You're so wise beyond your years!" She was ignored.

"Besides, you're forgetting that sneaking food into a movie theatre is considered one of the more difficult assignments out there. If we keep doing the hard stuff all the time we'll get promoted in no time. Now move it, at this rate we won't get there before they start showing the trailers."

Back in the movie theatre...

"Like, Trevor, dude where's our chow?" griped Kevin

"Chill, I'm sure it will be here any sec..." Trevor was interrupted by Sasuke and Naruto popping up in front of him. "Woah!"

"Here is your order," whispered Sasuke. "one Combo #2, a Double Ninja Burger, two Onion Death Blossoms, and a large cola."

"That will be $27." Said Naruto.

"Thanks dude, we'll like pay you tomorrow." Said Trevor.

"No, you will pay now." Glared Sasuke.

"But, dudes, we have no money. Can't you like, put it on our tab?" asked Kevin.

"You have no money? That is unfortunate..." The stoners didn't pick up the dangerous edge in Sasuke's voice.

"Ah, yeah dude, it's a total bummer. But we'll give you the money tomorrow."

"I don't think you guys get it." Naruto said. "We mean it's unfortunate that you have to die now."

"WHAT?" yelped the stoners.

"SSSSHHH!" hissed the other movie-goers.

"Sakura, kill!" ordered Sasuke.

Like a hawk descending on its prey, Sakura dropped from the ceiling and decapitated both the young men. "Ugh, I got blood on my uniform. So, what do we do now?" Naruto kicked the bodies out of their seats, and sat down. Sasuke sat down next to him.

"We may as well enjoy the movie, no sense letting two movie tickets go to waste."

"I guess so..." She nodded, then shoved Naruto out of the chair. "But I'm sitting next to Sasuke-kun, _you_ can watch from the ceiling." And she glomped onto the hapless Uchiha.

When the movie ended, the trio returned to the restaurant. Sasuke was a little woozy as Sakura had him in a stranglehold through the entire film. Sakura didn't seem to notice. Naruto was also loopy because he'd watched the entire movie upside down. So when Kakashi told them they'd be going to the company picnic, their reactions weren't quite as enthusiastic as they could have been.

_That's right, it's time for the annual company picnic. What misadventures await them? _


	19. Scroll Seven: Part One

This chapter posted while I was on vacation in Belize.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Seven, Part One: The Search  
By Kaori

By now, you all should be used to the idea that in the Ninja Burger Franchise, things are rarely ever as simple as they sound. Just getting hired is the prime example of this as is the company picnic.

Similar to the final exam, once you are told about the picnic the first order of business is to find out where it is being held. This didn't deter the lower-level employees and especially not Team 7.

Sasuke viewed it as just one more obstacle on his way to becoming Number One Son. Rumour had it that his first year, Itachi arrived three hours late to the picnic. Unlike his niisan, he would get there on time; failing that, he would get there in under three hours.

Sakura saw it as her opportunity to show off for her love. Not only was there free food and drink (meaning there would be opportunities for an indirect kiss (1)) but there were the events and competitions. She would cheer on her love and be there for him after his victories to mop his sweaty brow, bring him cool water, and maybe even do a little of "this and that". In other words, she had no doubts that they would get there at all.

Naruto was just happy that he'd finally get to go somewhere without it having to be an assignment. Outside of work, he was only permitted to go as far as the parking lot. The company picnic was his chance to go out and have fun like a normal person. Well, normal for a fast food ninja anyway.

As for the lackadaisical supervisor, he was just glad for an excuse not to have to work that day. After all, with no one to supervise there was no reason to go to work. Sadly, even though Kakashi knew about the picnic he was unable to help his minions to get there as he did not know the location himself. Thus, he just had to trust in their ability to find it on their own. Either way, he had the whole day to look at pornography. If he managed to stop "spanking it" long enough, he might go looking for some hookers (2).

Yeah...at any rate Team 7 had two things going for them: first and most importantly Naruto knows the franchise manager. Second...

"I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT!" screamed Sakura like a madwoman.

"NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" wailed the Third Franchise Manager.

"You don't believe me?" the rosette gave a mad little giggle. "You don't, do you? FINE THEN!" and she brought out a small orange book and a barbecue lighter.

The second thing they had going for them was that Naruto knew where the old man stashed his favourite porn.

"NO! PLEASE DON'T!"

"Then tell us what we need to know old man." Naruto said. He was standing on one side of the door; Sasuke was standing on the other and had not said a word through the whole thing; as if to say "I'm not condoning or condemning this but I'm not going to do shit to stop it either".

"All right! All right, just don't kill my baby!" the old man was crying now as he shuffled through his desk, eventually producing a map and throwing it to the orange-clad boy. "Here!"

"If this map turns out to be fake it'll be hell..." warned Naruto.

"It's genuine I swear!" sobbed Sarutobi.

"Hn." Nodded Sasuke. "Release the porn Sakura."

Sakura looked a little disappointed but did as she was told and threw the book to the franchise manager.

"OH THANK THE GODS!" the franchise manager said, frantically cuddling the book. He didn't notice or care when the three young employees left.

"Well, that was fun and easy." Naruto grinned as he and his team walked through the hallway. "Now, let's see where this thing is being held..." he opened the map and it was snatched out of his hands by Sakura. "Hey!" She ignored him.

Sasuke looked over Sakura's shoulder to see the map before getting a hold on himself and simply taking the map out of the girl's hands. He examined it and frowned. This was not going to be easy...

"We're going to need some things..." he muttered to himself. "Naruto, and I can't believe I'm asking you of all people but, do you know where we can get a lot of weapons and explosives really fast?"

The grin on the other boy's face was so frightening Sasuke was almost sorry he asked.

1) If you drink directly from a can and give it to a person you like, it's called an indirect kiss.

2) And that's about as porny as this story gets...for now. Bow chicka wah wah.


	20. Scroll Seven: Part Two

Since my cousin won't let me play Trickster Online in peace, here's more of…

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Seven, Part Two: Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition  
By Kaori

"I know I'm going to regret asking," Sakura scowled. "but _why_ are we in the men's room?"

"This is the fastest way to get where we're going." Naruto replied leer was still plastered on his face. "By the way, could you both stand in that stall over there?"

"Why?" Sasuke asked warily.

"Oh, so you want to be left behind?" the blonde asked. Sakura hit him. "OW! What was that for?"

"Don't answer a question with another question!"

Naruto rubbed his head. He had half a mind (which is twice as much mind as his teammates give him credit for having) to leave them both where they were and just go to the picnic by himself. However, considering that he's deprived for company most of the time and the fact that he's going to enjoy the looks on both his teammates' faces when they arrive, he decided that the benefits far outweighed his current displeasure.

That didn't mean he was going to be nice about it though. Moving with the swiftness of a deer he got behind his teammates and roughly shoved them where he needed them to be: inside a toilet stall with "Out of Order" sign on it.

"HEY!" Sakura protested.

"Narutooo..." Sasuke growled.

Naruto paid them no mind, jumping over them to stand on the toilet tank.

"Going down!" he said cheerfully, pulling that chain that would normally flush the toilet. Instead, the floor underneath Sasuke and Sakura disappeared and they were both sent plummeting into a dark hole screaming and cursing. Naruto jumped in after them, hoping they had the good sense to get out of the way when they reached the bottom.

Judging him solely by appearance, Akaishi Kitadake (1) is a respectable, sensible old man who likes cats and hard candy, and kind of looks like everyone's grandpa. Once you get to know him however, you realize that he is a perverted maniac who should have blown himself up years ago but somehow remains in once piece and un-singed. It doesn't help that his two assistants are just as enthusiastic about their work as he is.

Kubuki Yari and Myoko (1) are identical twins who share the love of all things explosive, torturing people, and not much else. Both have crimson hair and green eyes however, Yari wears hers in a bob while Myoko's is so long it almost touches the floor when it's in its perpetual ponytail.

While Myoko enjoys the rather revealing outfit their mentor makes them wear (a bikini top, miniskirt, knee-high boots, and a lab coat. The higher ups allow this sexual harassment because it is best not to upset crazy old men who can blow you to kingdom come), Yari is perpetually embarrassed by it and keeps her lab coat buttoned at all times.

Hearing the ruckus approaching his domain, Kitadake quickly removed the more lethal projects away from the exit area before calling for his assistants.

"Yari , Myoko! Stop playing with the exploding ketchup packets and make yourselves presentable! We're about to have visitors!"

"WAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH" KERASH! Sasuke and Sakura landed in an undignified heap. Kitadake and the twins (standing on either side of their mentor) held up score signs: 4 (Myoko), 5.5 (Kitadake), 3 (Yari). A few seconds later, Naruto did a gymnast landing on his unlucky teammates. Again the score cards: 9 (Myoko), 8.5 (Kitadake), 10 (Yari).

"Well, well if it isn't my favourite guest!" grinned Kitadake. "And I see you've brought some friends with you."

Sasuke and Sakura shoved Naruto off of them and kicked him in the head.

"We're not exactly friends..." mumbled Naruto, rubbing his head.

"Oh, they're your sex slaves then." Kitadake nodded sagely, Sasuke and Sakura gaped at him, Naruto suppressed a snicker. "You are growing up to be a fine young man..." he jumped to the side to avoid getting kicked by Uchiha and Haruno. "although you should keep your pets on a leash." This time he had to dodge a few kunai. "I could probably give you a good deal on those, and a I'll even throw in a ball-gag for the girl." Naruto couldn't hold his laughter in any more.

"DIE!" chorused the other two members of Team 7 dashing towards the perverted old man to beat him to a bloody pulp only to be tasered by the twins. Naruto howled with laughter.

"Ah well, funs over." Shrugged Kitadake. "What brings you down here, Naruto?"

The orange-clad one, once he'd regained control of himself, explained the situation to the old man while Myoko and Yari poked Sakura and Sasuke with cattle prods.

"So, the company picnic is being held at the Goldenrod Hotel..." hummed the weapons researcher, stroking his Fu Manchu. Naruto nodded. "Of course, you must have realized that it is right in the middle of pirate territory so you came to me to get properly outfitted."

"Exactly! So what have you got for me?" the blonde had that scary grin on his face again.

"Ah, well..." leered the old man, looking towards his two assistants who weren't paying attention to the conversation at all, content to shock the bejeezus out of Sakura and Sasuke. "Oi, enough girls! Enough!" The twins pouted, but ceased their "fun". "Bring out the merchandise!"

"Hai!" cheered Myoko, bouncing off while her sister followed her at a more sedate pace.

"What is this place?" murmured Sakura, slowly recovering her wits (and motor functions).

"Oh? Didn't I mention it?" Sasuke and Sakura managed to shake their heads. "Well then, allow me to welcome you to Konoha Ninja Burger's Weapon Research and Development Division!"

_I bet you guys are sick of cliffhangers aren't you? Well too bad, I enjoy making you guys squirm!_

1) I named these three characters after mountains in Japan. Mount Kitadake in the Akaishi range, and Mounts Yari and Myoko in the Kubuki range.


	21. Scroll Seven: Part Three

Since my cousin won't let me play Trickster Online in peace, here's more of…

GIVE ME YOUR SOUL!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Seven, Part Three: In the Boom Boom Room.  
By Kaori

"Weapons Research and Development?" parroted Sakura. "But, we're in the fast food business..."

Yari and Myoko, who had returned with a large table on wheels covered with an even bigger sheet, shook their heads in unison making tisking noises and wagging their index fingers at the rosette.

"My dear girl," Kitadake said, in a tone usually reserved for teachers scolding particularly dense children. "we are ninja first and purveyors of fine fast food second. Anyone who tells you different is a damn liar!" he paused and then added. "And probably a samurai." He shook his head in disgust. "But on to more pleasant topics of conversation..." he then nodded to his two assistants who pulled the sheet off with a flourish, revealing an assortment of potentially lethal devices.

Naruto eagerly skipped over to the table, his two compatriots following him more cautiously.

"Hey, do you think I could get some of those Wasabi Powder Specials?" he asked eagerly.

"Oh Naru-honey we've got something even better than that!" smiled Myoko, picking up a black ball the size of an orange from the table. "Say hello to the Wasabi Powder Special Mark II!"

"I thought we agreed on calling them Super Sneezies." Pouted Yari. Myoko ignored her.

"We've added ten percent more gunpowder, thirty percent more wasabi powder, and put in a touch of horseradish for extra kick."

"Ooh! Gimme fifty!"

"I'd love to, but you're only authorized to carry fifteen."

"Who's gonna know and since when do you care?" pouted Naruto.

"True. So that's fifty WPSM IIs..."

"Super Sneezies!" corrected Yari and was again ignored.

"..for you, what about your teammates?"

"I'll stick with the fifteen." Sakura said.

"I'll take fifty." Sasuke nodded, and picked up what looked like a feather duster.

"Careful with that." Kitadake warned. "That's no ordinary feather duster."

"Looks like one to me." Snorted Sasuke.

"Oh? Yari, would you give the boy a demonstration?"

Yari deftly snatched the feather duster out of Sasuke's hand and walked to the only open space in the lab; Myoko set up a test dummy in front of her sister and hurriedly got out of the way. With a bored expression on her face she started "dusting" the air in front of her. Suddenly a cyclone whipped the area in front of her and threw the dummy into the wall with enough force to leave it embedded in the reinforced steel wall.

"That dummy weighs two hundred and fifty-five pounds. _Still_ think it's just a feather duster?" Sasuke shook his head, while Sakura rushed to get the tornado generating feather duster from Yari.

"We originally developed that for the janitorial detail, but since then it's been given to ninja who have to disguise themselves as maids to make deliveries." Shrugged Myoko. "It's not _nearly_ as impressive as our mustard bombs."

"What's so special about a sock full of mustard?" blinked Sakura, confused.

"Not _that_ kind of mustard bomb!" Yari rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, what do you think this is, summer camp?" She picked up what looked like a bright yellow bowling ball. "_This_ is a mustard bomb."

"The contents only _looks_ like mustard though." Myoko pointed out. "You have no idea how hard it is to get hydrochloric acid to have the color and consistency of normal yellow mustard. It's guaranteed to burn the hell out of anybody it lands on!"

"Oooh! Gimmegimmegimmegimme!" Naruto jumped up and down.

"Not so fast, boy." Kitadake said. "It's still in prototype phase. We haven't figured out how to avoid getting caught in the explosion. No one's taking that out of the lab until it's safe to use...relatively speaking. Now come on, we still have to get you properly outfitted."

In the end, each of the young deliverators were given fifty WPSM IIs, garrotte wire, two pirate cripplers (stolen from the Precious Roy Home Shopping Network warehouse).

Naruto had also taken the liberty of stealing a few extra things on his way out.

"All right, company picnic here we come!" he cheered.

_Next chapter: walking the plank, swinging from the yardarm, keelhaulin', and other such piratey nonsense._


	22. Scroll Eight: Part One

Since my cousin won't let me play Trickster Online in peace, here's more of…

If you wish to hum the theme to Mission Impossible I won't stop you. I will however, give you very stern looks.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eight, Part One: Special Delivery  
By Kaori

Making their way to target area was not going to be easy, especially seeing as they had no transportation. Fortunately for them, the gods were feeling generous and they ran across a Samurai Burger delivery van in the process of being hijacked by Pirate Pizza employees on their way to terrorize some poor pizza delivery person.

While the two groups fought, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto took the opportunity to carjack the van, throw the contents out the window, and drive off.

Sasuke was driving the van while Naruto and Sakura were "tagging" it with Ninja Burger logos. During the drive it became more and more apparent that Sasuke was an even worse driver than Itachi (which is nothing to be proud of under normal circumstances), after running over two policemen, seven street performers, and a nun in thirty seconds. Unfortunately for Sasuke, he'd never get acknowledged for this since he shouldn't have been driving without a license.

Unfortunately, they soon discovered that driving all the way to their destination was going to be impossible.

"Why the hell is there a lake in the middle of the city?" Naruto demanded.

"Now I see why this is pirate territory." Sighed Sakura. "Water water everywhere...we're gonna need a boat."

"Not a problem, we'll just take that one."

Sakura and Sasuke looked over to where Naruto was pointing and whistled appreciatively. Their blonde friend was pointing at an impressive forty-foot yacht.

"I say, it's a splendid day for boating isn't it Muffy?" a gentleman in a very cliché sailing outfit said to the bored-looking teenage girl sunbathing a few feet away from him.

"If you say so daddy." Yawned Muffy. "I'd much rather be shopping with mother if it's all the same to you."

"You don't like spending time with your papa?" the man seemed to be on the verge of tears, and Muffy sat up in alarm. He sniffed. "WAAAGH MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T LOVE ME! I'VE FAILED AS A FATHER!"

"Oh no, no daddy I didn't mean it that way, please don't cry!" she hugged him and rubbed small circles on his back.

SPLASH.

"What was that?"

"Hm?" sniffled the man. "What was what dearest?"

"I thought I heard a splash." Said Muffy.

SPLASH.

"I definitely heard it that time."

SPLASH. SPLASH.

"I say, that is peculiar." The man said.

Things got even more peculiar when he was suddenly thrown overboard.

"YEEK!" SPLASH. Muffy joined him in the water. Looking around, it seemed that the crew and wait-staff had already been tossed into the drink.

"What is the meaning of this?" the yacht's owner sputtered. Three heads popped over the side of the railing.

"Sorry about this but we need to borrow your boat for a bit." The pink-haired one called from the deck.

"Here, have some coupons on us!" the blonde threw a small bag, which was caught by Muffy. "We're kind of in a hurry but we'll make sure to let the coast guard know you're out here. Bye!"

And with that the boat sped off towards the island in the centre of the lake.

"How come you get to steer?" groused Naruto.

"Because Sakura's reading the map and we don't trust you not to run aground or crash into other boats." Said Sasuke.

"This from the guy who drives like he's in a demolition derby?" Sakura threw a sextant at him. "OW!"

"Don't mock Sasuke-kun!"

Now, this being pirate territory, their little hijacking operation didn't go unnoticed. A dinghy full of pirates on their way to raid a pizza delivery witnessed the whole thing and came to the (incorrect) conclusion that the three kids were on their way to a make a delivery. This could not be allowed. This was Pirate Pizza turf, and no one but Pirate Pizza pirates would be making any deliveries in this area. And since they did not deliver burgers, the pirates decided that the ninja intruders would have to be disposed of.

"Sailing, sailing over the bounding main...OUCH!" yelped Naruto.

"Stop that singing!" yelled Sakura. "I can't concentrate."

"But I'm bored and you guys won't even let me see if there's anything cool to play with!"

"You want something to play with?" Sasuke deadpanned. Naruto nodded eagerly. "Then go play with them." And he pointed towards the starboard side of the yacht where a pirate ship was heading towards them. Naruto facefaulted. That wasn't what he had in mind.

Giving a long-suffering sigh, he got on deck and prepared to repel all boarders.

"There be the vessel, yaarggh." Quinn the Engorged, first mate of the pirate ship Anchovy. As the captain, Reeking Barney, was busy trolling for wenches Quinn was in charge of the attack on the ninja who dared to pillage ships in pirate territory. "Hard to port and prepare to board her!"

"YAAAAAAARRGGH!" roared the crew.

"Oi, Quinn. There be someone on the deck." Randal Cutler, one of the older pirates observed. "And it be the most hideous shade of orange at that."

"It matters not what colour it be, what be it is what I'm askin'." Spat Jack Brat the Younger. Jack Brat Senior, nodded.

On the deck of the yacht, Naruto was quietly freaking out. What the hell was he supposed to do against a pirate ship? He was going to die and his co-workers don't care! They sent him out here to die an ignoble death against a horde of pizza snatching, pirates! He could hear them yelling to prepare the cannons.

"Oi!" he heard a gruff voice call. "It just be some stupid looking ninja kid! Never mind about the cannons lads, it'd be a waste er ammunition!" That got a hearty laugh from the rest of the crew.

Stupid looking ninja kid? Surely they weren't talking about him. They can't possibly see Sasuke or Sakura from that position. Was someone else on the yacht?

"Daft brat be jus' standin' there. Bring the ship in close and I'll lop of 'is ugly 'ead!"

Naruto twitched as the ship came in close, the pirates throwing their grappling hooks onto the rails of the yacht laughing and jeering at him.

That did it.

The scene that follows is too graphic for this fanfic, so it shall instead be replaced by Team Gai doing the Macarena.

Five minutes later...

Naruto, looking dishevelled but otherwise fine, re-entered the cabin.

"Did you take care of the pirates?" Sasuke asked, not even glancing in the other boy's direction.

"Yeah, they won't be bothering anybody anymore." Replied Naruto.

Outside the Coast Guard was unhappily fishing pirate body parts out of the lake; this task was complicated by the fact that they had to separate quite a number of the body parts from other body parts and pieces of the destroyed pirate ship. The incident would later be known as The Five Minute Massacre.

_Sorry for the delay guys, I was distracted by Air Gear and Soul Eater scanslations..._


	23. Scroll Eight: Part Two

A few people have asked if there's some Hunter x Hunter in this. The answer is no. I actually had to go and read the manga so far just to find out what everyone was trying to get at. I still don't see it...

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Eight, Part Two: ...Screw It.  
By Kaori

The island that Goldenrod Hotel was situated on was predictably covered in goldenrod flowers and a generous amount of ragweed, but the Ragweed Hotel doesn't sound very nice now does it?

Anyway, despite pirates and hay fever inducing atmosphere (the ragweed, not the goldenrod) it is a very popular destination for the rich and semi-famous. Our ninja friends docked their stolen yacht next to a cabin cruiser, and made their way to the rear of the hotel, intent on finding an inconspicuous route to the roof. The only route that met their criterion was the ventilation system.

What was holding them up at the moment was deciding who was going to go in first.

"I'm not going in before Sakura, and I'm definitely not going in after Naruto." Glared Sasuke. "He's got gas."

"I DO NOT!" yelled Naruto.

"There's no way in hell I'm going to let Naruto stare at my ass the whole time." Sakura said adamantly.

"Hey, I'm not starin' at the teme's ass so I'll go in first."

"No, Sasuke-kun should go first! You'll only get us lost."

"I already said I don't want you behind me." Sasuke growled. "You go first and then I'll go in after you."

"_Yes! I knew Sasuke-kun couldn't resist this booty!_" Sakura cheered in her head. "_Wait, did I just make a pirate joke?_"

"HELL NO! I'm not starin' at your bony behind! I'll go in after Sakura-chan!" yelled Naruto.

"AND THERE'S NO WAY I'D LET NARUTO STARE AT MY ASS!" Sakura agreed.

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO AND ASSES?" Sasuke threw up his hands in exasperation. "You know what, screw it. Naruto you lead if you get us lost I will kill you, dance on your corpse, and piss on your grave. Sakura go after him, I'll guard our backsides."

"Wouldn't you rather do something else to my backside?" leered Sakura, after Naruto had disappeared into the vent. Sasuke twitched and then threw her into the vent before he himself entered.

What our intrepid heroes could not have known is that Goldenrod Hotel has two ventilation systems. The first one is your normal vent system that branches out to cool the various rooms. The second one only goes downward and completely bypasses the hotel's basement. Why? To answer that question all we need do is head to the cove on the other side of the island where a pirate ship is headed towards the mouth of a large cave.

Captain Bobby "Breezybottom" Maynard was returning from a day of pillaging pizza delivery vans aboard his ship, The Barking Spider. The sound of yelling and various breakable things being destroyed was barely audible at first but became more pronounced as he continued along through the grotto.

The lair of the Pirate Pizza Franchise was located in the sub-basement of the Goldenrod Hotel, mostly because it was the only place they _could_ have a lair that wouldn't be subject to health inspections and was piratey enough to satisfy everyone.

The Barking Spider docked at the rickety pier and the crew disembarked and joined the chaotic scene. Captain Breezybottom decided he wanted to know what all the fuss was about before he got involved anyway.

"Oi, wha's all dis about?" he half spat half grumbled to the first pirate within walking distance; a young pirate simply called Eric since he had yet to acquire a proper pirate nickname yet.

"Ole Reeking Barney's crew got knocked off by a ninja." Eric replied.

Breezybottom gave a mighty snort. Reeking Barney was a womanizing idiot and anybody stupid enough to join his crew got what they deserved. If he remembered correctly, the man's crew consisted of fifteen men...and a cross-dressing woman that was simply called Hamstring Joe. No one was entirely sure how she managed to escape Reeking Barney's flirtations but the general consensus was that her habit of hamstringing people in their sleep if they ticked her off had something to do with it.

"And what of their vessel?" Breezybottom asked.

"Coast Guard impounded it. Cap'n Lloyd saw them take it away." Said Eric.

"Arr now we'll never get it back. Damned shame too, I here old Barney had some pretty coins in his hull..."

"Aye, we all heard. Tha's why we're fightin', we can't decide who gets to go raid the Coast Guard Impound Lot."

Now properly informed of the situation, Captain Breezybottom knocked out Eric with the flat of his sword, and proceeded to join the fracas.

Back with our three ninja friends, they had started down the shaft when it abruptly turned from a gentle incline to a steep drop. Had fallen quite unceremoniously to the bottom where they were now hiding behind the ventilation grate.

"Nice going Naruto, you lead us down the wrong shaft?" hissed Sakura.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme picked this vent not me." Naruto groused. "If anyone's to blame it would be him."

"But you were the one in front!"

"But you pushed me down the shaft."

"You grabbed me and caused me to fall down with you!"

"And you grabbed onto me even though I can't handle both your weight, especially not without forewarning." Growled Sasuke.

"...so it's still your fault for being weak." Naruto snorted. That earned him a punches from the other two. Unfortunately it also knocked him out of the vent and into a room full of already angry pirates who were now all staring at Team 7...

_What a predicament? Will they manage to escape and make it to the picnic? Or will they all die an ignoble, piratey death? Find out next time on Total...Drama...Isla...I mean Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles!_


	24. Scroll Eight: Part Three

/Authoress gets dragged away from playing Rock Band to write more fanfic by annoyed reviewers./

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eight Part Three: Pirate Attack 2- Electric Boogaloo  
By Kaori

Our ninja friends were in quite a predicament. Here they were, backs to the wall, surrounded by pirates, and for some reason "Stuck in the Middle with You" was playing over a loudspeaker they couldn't see. Yeah, life was sucking pretty bad for them right now.

If it weren't for the fact that the Ninja Law of Numbers was on their side, they probably would've been killed twenty seconds ago.

You see, unlike Reeking Barney's crew, the rest of the pirates were fully aware that although they outnumbered the young ninja, it actually put them at a disadvantage. Ninja are even better at using large crowds to hide in than pirates, and if the three in front of them decided to attack right now they were all as good as dead. So the pirates settled for starting at them until they went away or died from terror.

Unfortunately neither was going to happen. Sakura, unable to take the pressure anymore, let out a mighty shriek and let fly with the cyclone-inducing feather duster. The pirates were all blown backwards into the far end of the grotto; a few of them landed in the water.

Not waiting around to see how the pirates would react, the trio bolted for the exit. Naruto reached into his pack and took out a familiar looking, bowling ball-sized object. Sakura and Sasuke's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"How and when did you get that?" the Uchiha demanded.

"Shut up and run!" Naruto yelled, chucking the mega mustard bomb behind him.

The screaming that followed would haunt their dreams until they were replaced by the horrible sound of a drunken Maito Gai singing "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" (for those of you who are curious, the answer would be a definite "yes").

Back at the scene of the attack, a few pirates had managed to avoid being covered in the highly corrosive, mustard-coloured substance by diving into the water. Once they'd gathered a few of their wits, the rage took over and they immediately gave chase to their young assailants.

A slight breeze was the only indication of their passing as Team 7 tore into the hotel proper, pirates suddenly appearing in their wake a good fifty-two seconds (according to the security camera) later.

"Aw crap, some of 'em survived." Groused Naruto.

"How many of them are there?" Sasuke asked.

"About seven. Three for me, three for you, and one for Sakura."

"How come I only get one?" Sakura glared.

"Because when you get into a fight, you make a horrible mess." Sasuke said chucking a pirate crippler behind him. There was noticeable cursing.

"You guys do realize we could just outrun these idiots and head straight for the picnic." The rosette pointed out. Her male cohorts looked at her like she'd just declared herself the Queen of the Toilet Weasels; her glare grew more annoyed. "Men!" Sasuke simply rolled his eyes and signalled for them to split up.

Predictably, only one pirate went after Sakura while the other six split into two groups and went after Naruto and Sasuke.

Sasuke tore like heck through the hotel trying to lose the pirates but having little success. Pirates are, if nothing else, tenacious bastards when they're angry. Also, he couldn't resort to more effective methods like blowing up the hallway behind him, or killing the pirates outright. He was a guest at this hotel so it would be coming out of his paycheck if he damaged anything (the Pirate Pizza grotto didn't count and Naruto was the one who did the damage anyway). So, having no other recourse, the young shinobi kept running not really knowing or caring where he was going.

Imagine his surprise when he ended up in the kitchen. Not wasting a second he whirled around, grabbing hold of an open bottle of white wine on the counter in the process. Hastily he took a big swig from the bottle, careful not to swallow a drop. Three angry pirates burst into the kitchen directly in the path of a young Uchiha who was doing a fair impression of a chipmunk.

There was no escape.

FWOOOOOOOOOSH! A stream of conflagration was the last thing they saw before oblivion claimed them.

Sasuke surveyed the burning corpses with a satisfied smirk.

"Fire Style: Flame Broiled to Perfection, Drunken Master Revision."

This would have been one of the coolest moments of Sasuke's life had he been used to the smell of burning flesh. Since he was not, we have to be content with him finishing this scene by vomiting in a pot of soup.

On the third floor of the hotel, a maid was just finishing up cleaning one of the vacant rooms when two blurs pushed passed her before she could lock the door. Immediately she turned to yell at whomever had so rudely barged into the unoccupied room only to think better of it when she saw who was in it.

A kunoichi and a pirate wench.

Instead of calling for security, she reached into her trolley and pulled out a bag labelled "In the Event of Ninja vs Pirate Battle." From the bag she took out a video camera and started filming. In typical cat fight fashion, neither combatant realized they were being filmed and launched towards each other in a hair-pulling, trash-talking, clothes-ripping, sweet-kami-sama-think-of-the-children battle to the death.

Elsewhere, Naruto and his three pursuers had ended up by the pool of all places. Predictably all the hotel guests and staff who had been there made themselves scarce the second Naruto and the pirates came barrelling through.

Having nowhere to run, out of pirate cripplers, and unable to use any explosives for fear of wrecking the hotel Naruto had only one course of action open to him...

"RRRAAAAAGH!"

He flipped out.

/WARNING: You are now entering the Real Ultimate Power Zone. Do not proceed if you are not PUMPED UP!/

Guitar riffs wailed through the air as the orange one performed various flying kicks, death palm strikes, and the occasional split kicks on the totally pathetic pirates. It was a complete and utter massacre! Blood and entrails rained from the sky and hot women appeared out of nowhere and started stripping off their clothes because the scene was just too freaking sweet!

/Exiting Real Ultimate Power Zone. (1)/

When our young friend came out of his trance the women were still there...and very much naked. It was all he could do not to faint as they ran around unclothed screaming because of all the blood and body parts strewn in and around the pool. Apparently, none of them remembered how they had even gotten there or why they were naked.

Discretely, Naruto left the scene and went looking for his compatriots.

_Well that was fun! Next scroll, we finally get to the company picnic! What awaits our young friends there? You'll have to wait to find out._

1)Yeah that's right, I went there.


	25. Scroll Nine: Part One

Annoy the hell out of your relatives! Play a Jingle Punx CD this Christmas! (By the way, who else isn't getting shit for Christmas this year? Raise your hand, don't be shy.)

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nine Part One: Ninja Games  
By Kaori

One would think with all the noise going on up on the rooftop, someone would have come up here to see what was going on. However, since the hotel has twenty floors and no one was staying on the two floors below the roof, the ninja partying there would not be disturbed.

Team 7 stood at the door looking around at the scene in front of them. Instead of a normal-looking roof area you would expect, in its place appeared to be a spacious picnic ground that was larger than the roof itself. This was nothing more than the reality-warping power of so many ninja gathered in the same place.

"Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up!" a jovial voice called out. The trio turned to the right to see Team 8 walking towards them.

"Kiba." Leered Naruto. "Still carrying around that ridiculous thing I see."

"Akamaru is _not_ a "ridiculous thing"." Glared the other boy. "You're just jealous of my cool backpack."

"You named it? Man, how pathetic can you get?"

"At least I don't live in a restaurant!"

"At least _I_ know the difference between a pet and an accessory!"

Sasuke ignored them both, as he checked his watch. He was three hours and three minutes late. He dropped to his knees, raised his head and hands to the sky and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Kiba, momentarily startled by the outburst looked in the Uchiha's direction as said boy shook his fists impotently at the heavens. "What's his problem?"

"Hm?" Naruto turned around to look as his male teammate. "Oh, he'll stop soon. He's always doing crap like that. Not sure why." Sakura hit him.

"Don't you talk about my Sasuke-kun like that! You're just jealous because he's a deep, sensitive, tortured genius and you're just a weird-looking dork with no fashion sense."

Before Naruto could retort, there was a high-pitched whine and the sound of someone tapping on a microphone.

"May I have your attention please? The Ninja Games are about to begin. All interested persons should register at the booth next to the bounce house. I repeat. The Ninja Games are about to begin. All interested persons should register at the booth next to the bounce house."

"All right! Shino, Hinata, let's go register! I hear there are some awesome prizes if you win!" Kiba exclaimed, grabbing his teammates by the hand and dragging them towards the bounce house.

"Ha! Like you could ever beat us backpack boy!" Naruto shot back, taking off after him. Sasuke wasn't too far behind, eager to redeem himself, while Sakura was hot on the dark-haired boy's tail.

"_Everything is turning out just as I planned_!" she thought. "_Now I can show him how supportive and loving I am_! _I'll cheer for him from the sidelines, or maybe we can be partners! Yes! Once he sees how helpful and I am, he'll want to be with me! In your face Ino! Sasuke-kun WILL BE MIIIINE!_"

Sakura's elation was short-lived, as Ino and Team 10 had gotten there first. Well, the only reason they were there at all was because the bounce house is right across from a refreshment stand.

"Sasuke-kun! You came!" squealed Ino, launching herself upon the resident emo (1). Fortunately for Sasuke, she was tackled out of the way by an irate Sakura. "What the hell are you doing? How _dare_ you!"

"Me? How dare you!" screeched Sakura, strangling Ino with her own hair. "Sasuke is mine bitch! Miiiiiiiiiiiiine!"

Ino managed to roll over onto her back and headbutt the rose-haired girl. "Like hell he is! Sasuke would never fall in love with a skank like you!" she straddled Sakura and started slamming her head against the ground. "He belongs to ME!"

Naruto sidled over to Shikamaru and Chouji; the former watching the cat fight while the latter munched on popcorn.

"Aren't you going to stop them?" the blonde asked.

"Are you kidding?" Shikamaru snorted. "This is the first break I've had from Ino in a while and I'm not going to ruin it. If you're so concerned why don't you stop it?"

Naruto was about to reply when the sounds of fighting abruptly stopped. He looked over to see if one of the girls had finally succeeded in killing the other and was somewhat disappointed at what he saw. Disappointed, and jealous.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was livid. Ino and Sakura had only stopped fighting in order to properly ogle the one person he didn't want to see right now.

"Itachi." He hissed.

"Hello otouto, I see you decided to come after all. In fact, you're the last group to arrive." The older Uchiha said. "Alas though, it seems I owe cousin Tobi money now; I bet that you wouldn't come."

"Cry me a river." Scowled Sasuke. Itachi flicked him on the forehead.

"Ooooooiiii! Itachi!" an obnoxious voice yelled. Itachi actually looked annoyed as a maniacal looking ninja with rusty brown eyes and slicked-back hair.

"What do you want Hidan?" he scowled at the approaching ninja.

"Get your heathen ass over here! The Ninja Resources from the Kumo franchise challenged us to four on four DDR and we need another player! Deidara, Konan, and Tobi are waiting." said Hidan, grabbing Itachi by the arm.

"Why don't you get Kakuzu?" Itachi frowned, seemingly becoming more annoyed.

"Kakuzu can't dance worth shit! And before you ask, I can't find Sasori anywhere and Kisame is chasing girls. Now come _on_!"

"Come back god!" wailed Ino and Sakura, pathetically pawing at the air where Itachi had been.

"You never mentioned that you have an older brother." Shikamaru said to Sasuke.

"He's not important." Scowled the young Uchiha, pushing past the lethargic boy in order to get to the sign up booth. "Time to make my parents love me..." he muttered over the sheet.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

1) Resident Emo would be the perfect title for a Resident Evil / Naruto crossover fanfic. Quick! Somebody write one!


	26. Scroll Nine: Part Two

Bahron (my nephew): OW! Nick why you bite me?

Nicholas (my other nephew): Shu'up! Shu'up!

Bahron is 9, Nicholas is 1. O_o He always bites his older siblings then tells them to shut up when they complain.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nine Part Two: Ninja Games  
By Kaori

The competitor's stood around sizing each other up while they waited for the announcement of the first competition; that is to say, most of the competitors were sizing each other up. One group seemed to be more interested in themselves than the people talking about them.

Sasuke was mentally preparing himself for the task at hand. Since he was unable to get here on time, he decided he would win every competition he was eligible to enter proving to his parents that he was not useless baggage and that he is just as good as his elder brother if not better. They _will_ love him damn it!

Naruto too was thinking about winning the events he would be entering if only to make himself look good. After all, every contest would be a showcase of their skills as Ninja Burger employees. Yes, this was just one more milestone along his road to becoming manager of the Konoha franchise and proving his competence as a fast food ninja.

As for Sakura, she was fantasizing about becoming Mrs. Uchiha. She had already picked out he colour-scheme (blue, red, and white) for the wedding, planned the guest list (she would force Ino to attend so she could gloat over the girl in public), the type of cake (a three-tier strawberry mousse cake), and was now giggling over what their honeymoon would be like.

They were all so engrossed in their little delusions that they almost didn't notice the squabbling going on but a few feet away.

"Hot sauce!"

"Salt and pepper!"

"Hot sauce!"

"Salt and pepper!" (1)

All three members of Team 7 turned to find out what all the commotion was about only to see Chouji arguing with the weirdest-looking person they'd laid eyes on to date. Off to the side of the stranger were two others, a boy and a girl. The girl seemed to be annoyed while the boy seemed to be looking for an escape route.

"Lee!" yelled the girl, exasperated. "Does it really matter what he puts on his eggs?"

"Of course it does TenTen!" the newly identified Lee declared. "Those who do not embrace the full flavoured spicy goodness of hot sauce are obviously missing out on the springtime of their youth!"

At that last statement, both TenTen and the yet to be identified young man twitched.

"Fool!" Chouji roared. "The simplicity that is salt and pepper cannot be denied! You completely mask the eggy goodness with the spicy veil that is hot sauce! Such a crude and obnoxious flavour should not be slathered willy-nilly over such a delicate thing as an egg!"

"You just don't appreciate the complexity of...OW! Neji why did you hit me?"

The other boy, whose arm was still upraised, glared at him bringing attention to his pupil-less eyes. "You make entirely too much noise."

"B...but Neji...the hot sauce."

"No one gives a damn about hot sauce. Besides if you had any sense at all you'd realize that the only sensible thing to put on eggs is hollandaise sauce." Neji said loftily. Sasuke scowled.

"Don't be absurd." He said. "Ketchup is the true condiment for eggs." Neji now had his glare fixed on the Uchiha.

"Ketchup? Are you mad? That condiment is reserved for meat and potatoes only."

"Apparently you underestimate the versatility of ketchup."

"Why you little..."

A whole new set of squabbling began with the addition Neji and Sasuke arguing for and against different condiments. Now everyone was watching if only to see how this little drama would play out. Thankfully for the teammates of those involved the bickering was brought to an abrupt halt.

"Shut up you worthless bastards!" a tall, scarred man boomed. "And for the record you shouldn't be eating eggs in the first place! You dishonour your ancestor's with your western high-cholesterol breakfasts!"

"Uh...sir?" a grey-clad ninja interrupted.

"Huh? Oh, right. My name is Morino Ibiki and I'm the judge for the potato sack race. All those participating follow me to the field."

Now, by now you know that this is no ordinary potato sack race but for those of you who came in late or take the short bus (not that there's anything wrong with that) I'll elaborate.

The potato sack race is only called that because it involves a potato sack. All resemblance to the race we are accustomed to stops there.

Each participant is given a sack of potatoes and at the signal must race to the other side of the field while peeling all the potatoes in the bag. If they cannot peel all the potatoes before they reach the checkpoint they have to stay at the checkpoint until they finish; dropping a potato at any point results in instant disqualification. If they have successfully completed the task they can move on to the second part of the race.

Next, the racers cut all the potatoes into julienne fries while avoiding the assault from fellow ninja burger employees posing as enemies (samurai, pirates, monks, federal agents...). If they drop just one French fry they are disqualified. The race ends when the first participant reaches the deep fat fryer and hands the bag of julienne fries to the waiting fry cook.

Taking part in the race were Sasuke, Ino, Sakura, TenTen, Kiba and eleven other ninja. While TenTen and Sasuke were concentrating on winning, Sakura and Ino were going to make sure no one else but Sasuke would be victorious.

On the sidelines, the other young employees were enjoying various snacks as they too awaited the start of the race.

"So...um...Naruto..." Hinata started, nervously poking her index fingers together. "I've...been meaning to...um...ask you..."

"Yes?" blinked Naruto.

"Um...that is...I...er...howwasyourfirstdelivery?"

Surprisingly Naruto managed to understand that last blurted part and began to regale Hinata with his team's exploits. However, he only managed to get to the part where they were chased by the panda when the starting gun went off.

"Wow look at her go!" gaped Chouji as TenTen blew past the rest of the competition in a cloud of potato peels and dust. Neji smirked.

"Hmph, it is to be expected. TenTen has some of the best knife skills in the entire franchise and the third highest graduating score in the franchise academy to date."

"Oh yeah?" Shikamaru commented. "Who scored higher."

"Well, the second highest score belongs to someone called Gekko Hayate while the the top score belongs to..."

"Me." A smooth voice interrupted.

"Oh, hey you're Sasuke's big brother." Naruto pointed. "Itachi right?"

"Yes, and I see my foolish little brother has entered this competition." Murmured Itachi. "He tries so hard..."

Back to the race, Ino and Sakura had somehow managed to slow down all the other competitors except for Kiba (who was much too fast for them and currently holding third place), TenTen (who was too far ahead), Sasuke (who they were doing this for anyway), and an unknown ninja who was quickly catching up and preparing to overtake Sasuke.

"Hmm, looks like the Suna franchise has some pretty fast peelers." Itachi said.

"Heh, my little brother just happens to be the best in our franchise." A new voice said from behind him. All turned to regard the speaker, a kunoichi sporting four pigtails and a large spatula. "The name's Spaisu (2) no Temari, and my brothers and I are here to show you wannabes how it's done. Suna's bitchin' in the kitchen, you Konoha ninjas may as well just hand us all the prizes in this category."

"Oh is that so?" Lee exclaimed. "Your brother may be good at slicing and dicing, but he's still too slow to catch up to our TenTen!"

"Hmph, yes but what good is that speed when she can't peel the potatoes in time?"

And indeed Temari was correct. While TenTen was ahead of all the rest, her pack was noticeably fuller than Temari's brother's.

"Okay, we'll give you that." Shikamaru acknowledged. "But you didn't factor in two things." Temari raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. They're called Sakura and Ino."

"What?"

"Just watch." Smirked the Nara. "Hey! Ino! Sakura! That guy ahead of you called Sasuke an emo pussy!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!" shrieked both girls. Both girls seemed to transform into demons as they tore after the Suna ninja like heat-seeking missiles. When they finally caught up to the poor soul...

"Oh that's just not right." Muttered Neji, covering Hinata's eyes and wincing.

"He's going to be walking funny for months." Twitched Naruto.

"Hmm. Their execution of the stuffing technique is almost flawless." Itachi commented, undisturbed. "In a few more years they may qualify for the packaging line."

Temari only stared in abject horror as Ino and Sakura stuffed potatoes up her younger brother's...derrier.

_And on that disturbing note I'll end this chapter! The race is almost half over and the only competitors left are Kiba, Sasuke and TenTen. Who will be victorious?_

1) This little scene brought to you courtesy of staying up all night playing Disgaea 3.

2) * authoress giggles like an idiot *


	27. Scroll Nine: Part Three

Coming soon to a fanfiction site somewhere on the Internet: Shinobi's Guide 2! That's right, everyone's favourite comedy fanfiction is returning with brand new instalments for all members of The Depraved Masses! Spread the word! It's coming!

Also, be on the lookout for Shinobi's Guide to the Internet by MattsyKun-TEFA! Yes, that's right, someone was brave enough to take up my challenge from my last Shinobi's Guide.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nine Part Three: Ninja Games Continue  
By Kaori

While the spectators looked on in horror as Sakura and Ino continued to stuff Temari's brother like a turkey at Thanksgiving.

"Kankurooooo!" wailed Temari.

"Heheheh, classic." A deep tenor chuckled disturbingly. The rookies from Konoha whirled around, Temari stood ramrod straight while Itachi regarded the newcomer lazily.

While he wasn't nearly as tall as Itachi himself, the younger ninja couldn't exactly be called short. A strange tattoo adorned the left side of his forehead and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"H...hi Gaara when did you get here?" she asked the short red-head she knew was standing directly behind her.

"Right after those girls started using Kankuro for a baked potato oven."

"Ah...I...I see."

"Hey, you two seem awfully familiar with each other is he your boyfriend or something?" Ino asked. Temari gave the blonde girl a horrified look while Gaara (1) looked like he was either going to burst out laughing or shit his pants.

"Kinky..." Gaara giggled. Laughing it is then.

"DON'T SAY CREEPY THINGS LIKE THAT!" yelled Temari.

"Me or him?" blinked Ino.

"BOTH!"

"So then what exactly is your relationship?" Lee asked.

"He's my weird little brother."

"Oh..." chorused the Konoha ninja.

"Spaisu no Gaara at your disservice." The red-head grinned disturbingly. "Oh, looks like the second part of the race will start soon."

And with that everyone's attention was returned to the field just in time to watch Kiba get tripped by a well-tossed potato peel from Sasuke.

So now it was down to the Uchiha and the pink-clad girl who had now reached the checkpoint albeit with at least a quarter of the potatoes left in their bag.

"Go Sasuke!" Ino and Sakura cheered from where they were kicking an unconscious Kankuro.

Sasuke was peeling potatoes as fast as he could but he just couldn't seem to catch up to the more dextrous TenTen. His frustration was obvious as he almost fumbled a potatoe. However, that little slip up reminded him of two very important things:

One, he was a ninja trained to work under pressure and

Two, cheating is the way of the ninja.

Off on the sidelines, Itachi noticed the devious glint in his brother's eyes and nodded approvingly. If it seems you will not succeed then cheat. You cheat your ass off. Repeat until you get caught then lie. If you are bad at lying then run like hell. This too is the path of the ninja.

So no one raised any red flags when Sasuke started covertly flinging his potatoes into TenTen's potato sack, but they did murmur about how stupid the girl was for not noticing that the weight of her potato sack never changed.

When TenTen took a potato out of her sack, Sasuke would throw one of his in at the same time while peeling his own potato.

Neji, deciding that he couldn't let TenTen go out like that, yelled to his teammate that the Uchiha was increasing her load. Enraged, TenTen threw a knife at the younger boy who had to stop peeling in order to block the incoming projectile with his own knife.

"Kick it into overdrive TenTen!" boomed a loud voice, causing everyone on the sidelines save for Itachi, Gaara, Neji, Lee and a deaf ninja from the Kumogakure franchise to jump. Standing next to a now very annoyed Shikamaru, was a Konoha supervisor who looked more than a little like Lee. Or was it that Lee looked like him? Either way it was freaking out everyone but Itachi, Lee, and Neji.

"Gai-sachou! Where have you been? You've all but missed the entire youthful race!" Lee pouted.

"I was engaged in my own youthful contest!" the now identified Gai stated, striking a pose. Lee had stars in his eyes and Neji looked like he was going to be violently ill. "Yes my cute student, I was participating in the ever-challenging log-rolling competition. I am ashamed to admit that I was defeated."

"No!" gasped Lee.

"It is sad, but true. However, take heart dear Lee for I will make up for this dishonour by ensuring that I am the victor of the weight-lifting competition later on today!"

"YOSH!"

"Hey," Naruto said, poking Neji. "are they related?"

"Unfortunately no." Shivered Neji. "I have no explanation for their creepily identical appearance or bizarre behaviour."

"What bizarre beha..." Naruto started to say, but was instantly silenced by the sight of Lee and his supervisor hugging each other and crying.

Gaara tugged his sister's sleeve and pointed at the scene. "Why don't you ever hug me like that anymore?"

"I've only ever hugged you once and I smelled like garlic powder for a week; my boyfriend wouldn't go anywhere near me." Glared Temari.

Back to the race still in progress, TenTen had retaken the lead during the second half of the race. Being a year older and more experienced, she was much better able to deal with the onslaught of various ninja pretending to be pirates, monks, tax collectors, and various other fiendish foes. However, counting Sasuke out at this point would be foolish as he had something that TenTen did not Well a couple of somethings, namely: WPSM IIs (see Scroll Seven: Part Three for a reminder), a gas mask, and...

"Is that a feather duster?" blinked Ino. She and Sakura had rejoined the group on the sidelines having gotten bored with half-killing Kankuro.

"Not exactly..." mumbled Sakura as she and Naruto hurriedly looked through their things and put on gas masks of their own.

"What are you two..." Chouji started to ask but was immediately cut off by a sudden storm of wasabi powder.

Everyone observing the race (with the exception of Team 7, Itachi, and Gaara) fell onto the ground hacking, coughing, and sneezing. Their eyes burned and watered, and they gasped for air.

"You...bastards..." wheezed Shikamaru, when the whirlwind of wasabi finally subsided. "Why didn't you warn us?" Naruto and Sakura shrugged unapologetically as they took off their gas masks.

"A ninja must be prepared for anything." Sakura stated. Ino jumped up and strangled her.

"Hey, how come you weren't affected?" Temari asked Itachi, once she was confident she could speak without coughing.

"I held my breath." Said Itachi.

"What about the race?" sneezed Chouji. "Who won?"

Everyone turned their attention back to the field, where TenTen was still lying on the ground twitching; having been much closer to the wasabi powder storm than the observing crowd. At the finish line, triumphant and smug as all hell, was Uchiha Sasuke.

"ALL RIGHT SASUKE-KUN!" cheered Ino, letting go of Sakura to celebrate.

_That's one event down. Next time on Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles the dreaded 1000 meter Deliverator Dash!_

1) I tried to imagine what Gaara would be like without a homicidal demon inside him but still suffering from bouts of insomnia. I ended up with a manic teenager who likes to sneak up on people, a penchant for death threats and the ability (not to mention eagerness) to carry them out on a whim.


	28. Scroll Ten: Part One

This afternoon, I stole my twelve-year old niece's popcorn and made her chase me around the house for thirty seconds before handing the bowl to my cousin. I am proud to say that is the most fun I've had all day.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Ten Part One: On Your Marks...  
By Kaori

The 1000 metre Deliverator Dash is mainly a test of stamina, bravery, and fortitude open to anyone who is strong, experienced, or stupid enough to try it. It is a gruelling 1000 metre race...

...up and over a skyscraper; five hundred metres straight up, and five hundred metres straight down. (1) As the name implies, this race is open only to Deliverator Ninja.

Each Deliverator is given a paper bag with a number on the side containing one samurai chicken burger, large fries of our ancestors, and an onion death blossom. They must find the window corresponding to the bag they are holding while avoiding the booby-trapped windows and the other Deliverators and enter the corresponding room, hand the package over to the waiting ninja, and then head for the finish line on the other side of the skyscraper. What the deliverators don't know is that each bag has an identical twin with the same number so whoever gets to the window first will be able to move on while the unlucky latecomer will be thrown out the window by the ninja inside the room. The first ninja to make it down the tower to the finish line after successfully delivering the food is the winner.

"I can't wait to get up there! This race is going to be so awesome!" Naruto bounced around like a rabbit on speed.

"Wow, mom was right about idiots liking high places..." Sakura muttered.

"I _will_ conquer this." Sasuke glared up at the massive structure

"Yeah! This will be a piece of cake for you Sasuke-kun!" cheered the rosette, doing a complete one-eighty. "How about I give you a kiss for good luck."

"Back of skank I have mace..." backpedalled the Uchiha.

"Heh, you're going to need all the luck you can get." Snorted Temari. "You got lucky last time but it'll take more than luck to win this race."

"Shut up sandy, you're just mad because Sasuke-kun totally smoked your brother in the last contest!"

"'Sandy'? Why you little bi..."

A whistle blew cutting off Temari before she could unload on the other kunoichi.

"Will all participants please take your position at the starting line!" a voice announced over the loudspeaker. "We will be starting the 1000 metre Deliverator Dash in one minute! I repeat, will all participants please take your position at the starting line!"

"I'll deal with you later, pinky this ain't over." Snarled Temari before stalking over to the starting line.

On the sidelines, a group of jounin were procuring prime seats to watch the race; namely the supervisors of the newest batch of Konoha Deliverators.

"Kakashi, you're not participating this year?" Kurenai asked.

"No, I think this time I'll watch my cute little minions." Kakashi replied. "Besides, Anko's participating and we at least want other people to have a slim chance of winning. Not to mention that Kotetsu and Izumo supposedly helped set up this year." Kurenai looked horrified. "Oh relax, I'm sure they didn't put anything lethal up there...well, mostly sure..." Kurenai now looked like she was going to faint.

"Kakashi will you please stop traumatizing my girlfriend?" Asuma groaned, patting the distraught woman on the back in an attempt to calm her down. "Don't worry Kurenai, I'm sure Hinata'll be fine."

"Or she'll be ripped to shreds." Kakashi's tone was positively negligent. "I think I remember Kotetsu dragging one of the Ninja Resources bears in there..." Kurenai fainted.

"Do you get off on making women faint?" glared Asuma.

"Do you_ really_ want me to answer that?"

At the starting line, eager young deliverators awaited the signal for the race to begin.

"Okay," Sasuke thought to himself. "All I've got to do is find window 57, deliver the food, and get to the finish line before the rest of these losers. Piece of cake."

Similar thoughts were running through the heads of almost every deliverator at the starting line; the exceptions: Rock Lee...

"I shall win this race and prove that hard work, youthfulness, and hot sauce will prevail over all! Watch over me Gai-sensei!"

...Hyuuga Hinata...

"I can do this. I can do this. I just have to finish this race and Naruto will notice me, and Neji-niisan will be proud of me, and Kurenai-sachou will stop wrapping me in bubble-wrap every time we go on a delivery run to the bad part of town."

...Spaisu no Gaara...

"I'm gonna be sooo high!" the red-head let out a creepy giggle that caused the two deliverators next to him to scoot away a little.

... and Spaisu no Temari.

"Little pink bitch. Call _me_ "Sandy" will she? I'll fillet her and serve her up with a side of wasabi sauce. No, I'll deep fat fry her ass..."

A ninja wearing a chef's toque walked to the far end of the starting line with the starting gong. Yes, gong. Gun is filthy gaijin weapon only used by foreigners and barbarians...er...where was I? Oh yeah, the race was about to begin...

"Racers ready..." the ninja-chef said in a loud, clear voice. "On your marks...get set..."

GOOOO.....

The competitors were off like a shot.

...NNNNNNG.

Three minutes, fort-eight point zero six four seconds later...

"Winner: Rock Lee!" announced the ninja at the finish line.

Now I know, you really want to know what the fuck just happened, but we're going to have to wait for the slow motion camera footage in the next chapter!

1) If you're having trouble visualizing the height, look up Taipei 101, the second tallest skyscraper in the world at 509 metres tall.


	29. Scroll Ten: Part Two

This would have been done sooner if I hadn't acquired a ludicrous amount of writer's block for this story. That and my finding out just how addictive Patapon can be; DAMN YOU SONY!!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles

Scroll Ten Part Two: Instant Replay

By Kaori

Thanks to the wonderful device known as the high-speed camera, we are able to see just what transpired in the ridiculously short space of time. So without further ado here's the (abridged) footage.

After the sound of the gong, two thirds of the competition was immediately wiped out. The cause? A combination of a cayenne pepper cloud created by Gaara to traverse the tower on, Sasuke and Naruto (both wearing gas masks) using wasabi powder bombs, and Temari's Fan-the-Flames no Jutsu that she was using to literally rise above her competition.

The racers who survived the assault did so by either outrunning the powders (i.e. Lee and a ninja from the Kumogakure franchise), simply refusing to let it bother them (as in the case of Hinata, a ninja from Kusagakure franchise, and four ninja from Amegakure), or being used to such things (the six other ninja from the Sunagakure franchise).

Up the structure they all leapt. Well, with the exception of Gaara who didn't even bother trying to deliver his food and simply went to the top of the tower. Once there, he stripped down proceeded to get a suntan.

One of the Amegakure deliverators was the first to find his designated window. Or so he thought. The window he actually found had a simple illusion cast over it and upon entering he was immediately thrown out by a gleeful Mitarashi Anko.

Temari and Sasuke strangely enough had matching numbers and had arrived at their window at the same time. Immediately they got into a fight as to who would be the one to make the delivery only to be knocked off the tower by Rock Lee.

Lee dispatched quite a bit of the competition in this manner; preferring to search each and every window for the correct number, sticking his head in to confirm that he had a match and immediately run off when the person inside tried to grab him and throw him off the building.

Hinata, had spotted her window almost immediately thanks to her family's secret Spot-And-Drop Deliverator techniques. Basically, Neji was on the ground with a pair of binoculars and a wireless headset telling her where to go. She made her delivery and was climbing out the window within a minute and seventy seconds. Unfortunately, she was unable to dodge Lee when he suddenly passed her by.

Naruto managed to escape being knocked off the tower by Lee by diving into a nearby window...

...straight into the arms of the Ninja Resources bear inhabiting the room. He spent the remainder of the race being mauled.

Lee's remaining competition, Spaisu no Gaara, was perfectly happy sunning himself on the roof of the building and the only impediment he served was to almost trip the green-clad deliverator while he was making his way towards the finish line.

All of this took place in less than five minutes.

Gai was exceedingly happy about the result and grabbed Lee into a tight, asphyxiating hug when he results were announced.

Sasuke sulked about his loss while his fangirls attempted to kiss away his numerous boo-boos.

"I can't believe I lost to a hot sauce eating, thick-browed, unitard-wearing, freak." He growled.

"_You_ can't believe it?" Temari, equally miffed, snorted. "I'm never going to hear the end of it from Kankuro."

"The same Kankuro who got his assed stuffed full of potatoes?"

"Ah, good point."

Neji patted Hinata on the head comfortingly. "Cheer up, at least you managed to make the delivery. In fact, you were the only other person to do so, so you got second place!"

"I...suppose." sniffed Hinata and then found herself crushed in heaving bosoms.

"Oh Hinata are you okay!" Kurenai cried. "Did Gai's barbarous student harm you?"

"Mmmphah!" gasped Hinata, freeing her face before she suffocated. "Kurenai-sensei, I'm fine, really."

"Thank God! If anything happened to you I'd never forgive myself! You're my only ray of sanity in this den of lunatics!"

Hinata didn't really know what to say to that. Thankfully the loudspeaker provided a distraction.

"Attention everyone. Will all participants competing in the Miss Ninja Burger competition please come to the staging area?"

"At last my time has come!" roared Sakura. "There is no way I can lose this!"

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Ino snorted. "You'll be lucky if they even recognize you're human with a forehead like that. You _are_ human? Right?"

"Strange words coming from a farm animal."

"FARM ANIMAL? HOW DARE YOU, YOU FLAT-CHESTED WHORE!"

"TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE! AT LEAST I DON'T STILL WEAR A TRAINING BRA!"

"OH THAT'S IT YOU ARE GOING DOWN!"

"BRING IT, SLUT!"

"This, is gonna be _good_." Giggled Gaara, startling everyone as they hadn't realized he had come down from the tower. Well that and...

"WOULD YOU PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" screeched Temari.

_Deliberately short chapter no jutsu! Next chapter is the start of the Miss Ninja Burger Competition? Who is the fairest one of all? Who will win the crown? And will Gaara put his clothes back on?_


	30. Scroll Ten: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Ten Part Three: Service  
By Kaori

The (almost completely) male crowd anxiously gathered around the stage, all clamouring for the best spot. All of them were eager to see who would be this year's Miss Ninja Burger, but no one was more eager as the judges themselves.

Having managed to defeat all other volunteers these three men had won the right to judge the contest; which had the added perk of having the best view of all the contestants. However, only one of these judges had managed to defeat even the remaining two and thus had the greatest honour of all: in the event of a tie, he got to decide the tie-breaking event. This great privilege had been bestowed upon none other than Jiraiya from the Konoha franchise (and the biggest pervert in Ninja Burger history).

Also serving as judges for the day: Hiwatori Asai from Kumo franchise and Mizawa Domon from the Mizu franchise; both have the unfortunate distinction of being big fans of Jiraiya's pornographic literature.

"Every pervert and their grandfather are out in front of the stage." Grumbled one of the female contestants as she peered out from behind the curtain. "What the hell, there's a naked kid sitting on a white cloud hovering above the audience!"

Temari flinched and prayed it wasn't who she thought it was.

"Have you been dipping into the hooch again Fuun?" another contestant asked.

"It's way too early for that Megumi." Fuun insisted. "If you don't believe me look for yourself."

"Holy crap there really _is_ a nekkid kid on a cloud out there!"

"Does he have red hair?" groaned Temari.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"Unfortunately..." she stomped out of the backstage area. "SPAISU NO GAARA IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON I'M GOING TO CUT _IT_ OFF AND PICKLE IT!" She returned to the backstage area and didn't say a word to anyone until the competition started.

The first round of eliminations was a straight up fight between contestants. This would weed out everyone who was too weak to even consider. Ninja Burger kunoichi should be strong first and foremost and only the strongest would be allowed to proceed to the second part..

"Yes! Bring on the swimsuits!" Jiraiya rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

That's right, the obligatory swimsuit competition; and for once it's exactly what it says on the box. The young women paraded across the stage dressed in swimsuits so that the judges could ogle them, then lined up across the stage to be properly ogled by everyone. Yes, Miss Ninja Burger should be strong but she _must_ be sexy.

In the audience, Kiba and Naruto were incurring the wrath of women everywhere...

"Yes men, today is a great day for boobies!" Kiba declared, several men standing nearby cheered in agreement. "I have always said that kunoichi should not be forced to cover up in those unflattering uniforms. They should be dressed in swimsuits and stripper heels! Gorgeous!"

"Amen to that brother. Boo to stifling ninja outfits! Hooray bikinis!" cheered Naruto. Another round of cheers from the men nearby. Hinata, one of the few girls not entered in this competition, was mortified. The man of her dreams is a pervert.

"And look at how round and sumptuous they look all lined up in a row like that. Well, with the exception of numbers fourteen, ten, and six. Their breasts aren't real. I don't like fake boobs."

"Considering you've never been within ten feet of any since your mom stopped breast feeding you, I would think you'd take what you can get." Scoffed Sasuke.

"Shut up! I have so!" growled Kiba. "Don't talk like you've gotten to cop any feels, you've probably never even seen a decent set of boobs before today!"

"Believe what you want little man." The Uchiha shrugged. He didn't feel the need to tell the other boy that girls have been flashing his brother for as long as he could remember; being in the vicinity of said incidents guaranteed a free show and some snuggling. It was probably the only thing he'd be grateful to his brother for. "Although that bastard needs to stop stealin' my porn..."

"What was that Uchiha?"

"I didn't say anything you idiot. Now shut up, I can't concentrate with you yammering on."

At the judges' table, all three were furiously calculating their scores; the scores are tabulated based on the appearance and measurements each contestant possessed. The scores would eliminate anyone whose proportions were not adequate, features less than adorable, or hair not silky-looking enough was immediately removed from the stage.

"Number eleven, disqualified! Not cute enough!" barked Jiraiya. "Numbers seven and twenty-four, disqualified! Too much ass! Number sixteen, hair not soft enough! Change your brand of conditioner and try again next year! Contestants ten, six, and fourteen are disqualified for the foobies(1)!"

Soon there were only ten girls on the stage: Ino, Sakura, Temari, and TenTen were among them.

It was at this point that something occurred to Kiba. "Hey, Hinata," he turned to his teammate. "how come you didn't enter? You're probably one of the cutest girls in our franchise."

"Kurenai-sachou wouldn't sign my permission slip." Hinata sighed.

"We have our ten finalists!" Jiraiya announced. "Who among these pretty young things will be crowned this year's Miss Ninja Burger? We will have a brief intermission while the contestants get ready for the talent portion of the contest."

_What sort of talents will the contestants showcase for the audience? Will the authoress get flak for all the rampant sexism? Who does Sasuke buy his porn from? Where does he keep it? Why doesn't Itachi just buy his own? At least one of these questions answered next chapter._

1) Foobies = fake boobies.


	31. Scroll Eleven: Part One

FINALLY! The Miss Universe '09 contestants have left the country! Now I can traverse the island without worrying about traffic...(looks at the calendar and sees that school starts next week)...goddammit...

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eleven Part One: Talent Portion  
By Kaori

"All right everyone, we will now begin the talent portion of today's contest. First up, is Miss Yanagi Fuun from the Mizu Franchise. She will be performing The Minute Waltz on the saxophone while writing a haiku with her feet." Announced Asai.

The talent portion of the competition served only as a way for the contestants to distinguish themselves from their fellow kunoichi. Yes they were all very nice to look at but what else could they do besides that. Also, the Miss Ninja Burger hopefuls had to showcase a talent that had nothing to do with their jobs.

"That was certainly very interesting." Jiraiya hummed. "Next, we have the lovely Watanabe Mako who will tap dance while knitting a pair of socks..."

It continued on like that for the next six competitors which included Ino hypnotizing a volunteer from the audience into thinking they are a Evil Knievel then forcing them to jump the entire audience on a unicycle (it didn't end well), TenTen balancing a broom on her nose while fighting a rabid wolverine, and Sakura doing celebrity impressions (between you, me and the tree, her Jimmy Durante needs work ha cha chacha chaaa (1)) while creating a scale model of the Sistine Chapel.

"And now, the lovely Spaisu no Temari will dazzle us with her rendition of Blue Velvet (2) while walking across hot coals."

Between Temari and the piano, was a fire pit. Several men in the audience whistled and catcalled when she hiked up the blue velvet evening dress she was wearing.

"That's my sister you bastards!" Kankuro yelled, and proceeded to beat the tar out of the offenders.

Somehow, Temari managed to ignore this and took in a deep breath in preparation as the intro played. She opened her mouth to sing and...

"DEATH TO THE CLOTHED OPPRESSORS!" Gaara, wearing absolutely nothing, ran across the stage and yanked off his sister's dress. The crowd went wild! Poor Temari, mortified, ran off the stage screaming while various camera flashes went off.

"Well, that was different." Blinked Domon, writing down his score. "Coming on stage next, Akabane Beru will demonstrate how to give an enema to a hippopotamus while simultaneously grooming a chihuahua."

This particular performance ended quite badly when the chihuahua got loose, bit the hippopotamus and poor Beru ended up underneath it. She was immediately eliminated on the grounds of being dead. On the bright side, she did get a posthumous award: Miss Darwin Award. Also eliminated this round were Temari (as she never actually got to perform), Ino (for endangering the audience and causing the death of the volunteer), and two others.

"We have our final five contestants." Stated Jiraiya. "In no particular order: Nolastname TenTen, Wataro Tomoe, Haruno Sakura..."

"TAKE THAT INO-PIG! LOVE PREVAILS!"

"Sratch that. Haruno Sakura is disqualified for the schadenfreude."

"GODDAMMIT!"

"Continuing...Yanagi Fuun, and our final contestant, Sadahara Yolei. As soon as our four contestants have changed into their Ninja Burger Uniforms we will begin the final part of our competition, the question and answer portion of the program."

"Well this is a letdown." Kiba complained. "The only girl left from our franchise is that TenTen chick, and she's nowhere near as hot as those other chicks."

"There's always next year." Shikamaru pointed out.

"True, and next year maybe Ino and Sakura will fill out those swimsuits a little better."

"Are you calling us flatchested?" growled the aforementioned girls.

"No, you're perfectly proportioned up there for your ages and heights." Stated the Inuzuka. "You just lack ass."

Two indignant squawks were the only warning he got before he was mercilessly beaten and drug off to be tortured. Really, some people don't know when to stop.

_What kinds of questions will the judges ask our final four contestants? Who will be Miss Ninja Burger? Where did Gaara run off to and is he wearing any clothes? When will I finally be transferred to my new position? Why the hell am I asking you guys?_

1 While I am not old enough to have seen this guy perform (he died two years before I was born), I had seen his likeness in enough Looney Toons cartoons to do a decent impression.

2 Either the Bobby Vinton song or the third ending to Dragonball GT, you pick.


	32. Scroll Eleven: Part Two

*sticks her fingers in the latest batch of fanfics* Tastes like diabetes... Well, I have just the thing to fix that. More...

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eleven Part Two: Q & A  
By Kaori

Half the crowd had left the staging area, mostly young Ninja Burger employees who had already got what they came for (kunoichi in revealing attire), so the deliverators from the Konoha franchise and Kankuro were able to get closer to the stage.

The contestants were now dressed in their usual Ninja Burger uniform awaiting cross examination from the judges.

"So ladies and gentlemen we shall commence with the final portion of our program." Jiraiya stated. "Each contestant will be asked five questions. Failure to answer a question immediately and to the judges' satisfaction will be...unpleasant and result in instant disqualification. I will be serving as grand inquisitor, LET THE INQUISITION BEGIN!"

Before any of the contestants had any idea what was happening, they were tied up and hung upside down over a pit full of rabid cabbits (1).

"Now then, we'll start with Wataro-chan. Your first question: what colour are your panties?"

"What the Hell? What kind of a question is that?" She was instantly dropped into the pit of cabbits and mauled. "EEEEYAAAARRGGGH!"

Jiraiya, nonplussed, moved on to the next contestant. "Sadahara-chan, your first question: if a girl doesn't put out on the fifth date, is she a tease or a prude?"

"That's a trick question. If I say either you'll call me a slut." Glared the girl, although she seemed just as annoyed at the question as Wataro had.

Pouting, Jiraiya scribbled something on his score sheet before dropping Wataro into the pit. "Okay, Nolastname-chan..."

"Um, just call me TenTen please." Sighed TenTen.

"Very well. TenTen-chan, what's your favourite pornographic film?"

"I don't watch pornos I'm underage!"

"Curses. All right then. Yanagi-chan, same question."

"Er...well it's...[censored because anything the authoress thinks up won't be nearly as funny as what the readers will think it could be]"

Jiraiya's face screwed up in concentration. "Isn't that the one where four co-eds go shopping but somehow and wind up being [censored] by the Russian mafia before being [censored] and [censored] the Mounted Police."

"And then after that they end up out in the middle of nowhere and a farmer and his three sons show up in a pickup truck and [censor] them in the [censor] and it turns into [censor] when the bus full of nuns shows up. (2)"

"Ah yes, great movie."

"The sequel's even better."

"Really?"

"Yeah, there's this whole scene with a horse, a vat of vanilla pudding, and the Norwegian track team."

While this exchange was going on, the audience members were either blushing furiously, running off to...take care of business, trying not to pass out from nosebleeds, or calmly calling the adult entertainment stores to see if they could find a copy of the film.

The other two judges, after managing to find an adult film store online and order copies, reminded Jiraiya what they were here for.

"Oh, right." Coughed Jiraiya. "Er...where were we?"

The next two questions were far less risqué.

"TenTen-chan, what are the four mystic moves of Miyagi-do?"

"Kuruma-migaki no Jutsu, Ie-nuri no Jutsu, Yuka-arai no Jutsu, and Saku-nuri no Jutsu. (3)" She recited.

"Very good. Yanagi-chan, name those who we will not deliver to."

"Ack...er...pirates. samurai, T. Burke of Tampa Florida, terrorists, T. Barry, V. Delaney, and C. Deleveaux in The Bahamas(4)."

"Hmmm....TenTen-chan is it okay to purchase a Sherman Tank to smash through the rear of a fortified encampment to rescue a trapped teammate?"

"No."

"Correct. Yanagi-chan, is it acceptable to use the company van to wage war on rival franchises?"

"Oh, hell yeah!"

"Very good."

The next question cannot be revealed here as it alludes to rather sensitive information about a certain client of the franchise and the very secret, specialized technique used while making deliveries to said client.

Finally, it was time for the last question. With Nolastname Tenten and Yanagi Fuun still in the running, the last question was a sudden-death elimination. Whoever answered first would be the new Miss Ninja Burger.

"Are you ready?" Jiraiya asked.

"Hai." Fuun replied.

"Ye...EEEYAAAAARRGGH!" TenTen was dropped into the pit.

"Congratulations Yanagi-chan! You are Miss Ninja Burger!" Jiraiya proclaimed, happily handing over the Miss Ninja Burger Apron to the winner once she had been released from her bondage.

"Well that was disappointing." Sighed Neji. "I'm hungry, anybody up for a burger."

A chorus of "yeah"s and the audience dispersed.

_Okay, how many of you saw that ending coming? Anyway, next chapter is the three-legged battle royale._

1) If you don't know what a cabbit is you fail as an otaku.

2) I've probably invoked Internet Rule #35 several times over.

3) Taken verbatim from the Ninja Burger Honorable Employee Handbook. For those of you who don't know: Wax Car, Paint House, Sand Floor, and Paint Fence.

4) The first four are from the manual, the others I added because they get on my damn nerves.


	33. Scroll Eleven: Part Three

Okay, some people have been asking when the sequel to Where the Hell Are We Now is going to be uploaded. I generally don't write more than two stories at a time but if you guys really want me to start it I will (under protest). Go to the poll in my profile to vote.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled fanfic already in progress...

* * *

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eleven Part Three: Going for Broke(n bones)  
By Kaori

"Did you ever think," Kankuro mused aloud. "that we should lay off the burgers?" The assembled rookies collectively snapped their heads towards him, horrified looks on their faces. Kankuro raised an eyebrow at them (or at least we assume so, hard to tell with all that face paint) and they all burst out laughing.

"Heheh, that was a good one." Chuckled Chouji. "Hoo, "lay off the burgers" you had us scared for a minute." He got up to go buy another burger when the sound of an incredibly loud siren stopped him dead in his tracks.

For a moment nobody moved, so utterly bewildered were they by this sudden (and deafening) event. Before anyone knew what was happening, several of their fellows were suddenly grabbed by their wrists and dragged off somewhere.

"What the hell is go..." Ino started to yell but she, too was abducted.

The siren died down shortly after that and a voice on the P.A. system said not to panic and that everyone who was taken away will be participating in the three-legged battle royale...whether they wanted to or not. It then instructed that the competition would be taking place in the large pit near the DDR tent.

The three-legged battle royale only has four rules. Rules one through three: no killing, fight until you can't fight anymore, and the last one standing wins. The fourth rule is the most important: the last two people standing must be joined at the legs. In other words, two people tethered together have to fight off every other pair of similarly handicapped people until only they are left before viciously turning on each other like a deranged chimera.

However, that isn't even the part that makes this particular competition so interesting. No, it was the fact that (on average) there is a seventy percent chance that the people tied together don't know each other, and a twenty percent chance that they hate each other's guts. The ten percent chance of a pair knowing each other or even being friends is incredibly rare and has only happened once in the entire history of the event; and even then that didn't stop them from beating the hell out of each other.

Twenty pairs of ninja were dragged to the field. Twenty pairs all knowing that there can be only one. Do or die. There is no second place. Win or go home. Failure is not an option. Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people then kill them... All right, who switched my sports clichés for sarcastic war quotations?

"That settles it our narrator is a nerd." Muttered Sakura who, apparently, can still hear me.

"Oh great, it's bad enough that I've been tied to you but now I find out your a freakin' schizophrenic too." Ino glared.

"I am not schizophrenic you Botoxed trollop!"

"I'll have you know my lips are naturally this luscious, unlike your bad dye job! Who do you think you're fooling?"

"OH THAT IS IT! DIE PIG BITCH!"

"BRING IT ON YOU SKANKY WHORE!"

While I'm sure most of you would prefer to watch the eye-gouging carnage that is about to ensue, I'm afraid I must direct your attention to some of the other similarly conflicted teams on the field.

"You know, I really don't understand why you seem to dislike me so much."

Glare, glare, barely withheld loathing, glare.

"I mean, really I've never actually _done_ anything to you."

Withering look, glare, glare.

"Besides, shouldn't you be a little more mature about this? I should think that at your age you would have learned to put aside whatever feelings of mistrust you have towards me and work towards a common goal."

Death glare, gnashing of teeth, muttered curse.

"Really Sasuke, this is hardly fitting behaviour for a ninja." Itachi sighed.

"Hate...you...so... fuck..ing... much." Seethed Sasuke, hands clenching and unclenching in barely controlled rage at each syllable. The fact that he had to work with his older brother in this competition was clouding his judgement, making him ignore the fact that he'd have to work with him to if he wanted to win this competition. Not to mention that if he'd stopped to look around, he'd notice that he was the only deliverator tied to a manager, and a Ninja Resources manager at that. As an added bonus, if he and his brother made it to the end, he'd have the opportunity to (attempt to) kill Itachi. Too bad he's too blinded by rage to think. Ah the folly of youth.

Also participating and hating every second of it were Kiba (paired with a foul-smelling employee from the Kumo franchise who was known only by his codename, Stinking Cloud), Chouji (still hungry and tied to a deliverator from Iwa named Fujima; who swings from dejected to paranoid psychotic every two minutes), and TenTen (partnered with a perpetually horny ninja from Kusa called Ginko).

Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Neji, Lee, Gaara (who had decided that clothes weren't so evil after all when he was approached by a paedophile), Temari,and Kankuro managed to find good seats overlooking the pit. They saved one for Shino who went to buy some roasted corn for everyone to snack on during the competition.

"This is gonna be good." Grinned Temari. "I hear the winner gets a two month vacation for four at a fancy resort."

"Anybody who survives a fight with nineteen other people needs a vacation." Shikamaru muttered. "Personally I'm glad it's not me down there."

"Yeah, 'cause then you'd actually have to do some work you lazy...Oh snap they started!" Naruto exclaimed. "Hey, don't Ino and Sakura know they're supposed to fight the _other_ guys first?"

"Somehow I don't think they care." Neji sighed. "And where's Shino with that roasted corn?"

Down in the pit, Kiba and his partner had already been dispatched. Kiba from the overwhelming stench of Stinking Cloud, and Stinking Cloud from being encumbered with Kiba's unconscious body.

Chouji and Fujima lasted two minutes. Fujima had started the fight in psychotic mode but as soon as he became depressed again he stopped fighting while he and Chouji were being attacked by a pair of dispatchers. Chouji, weak from hunger, was unable to defend both himself and Fujima and they were swiftly knocked out.

Surprisingly, Sakura and Ino's catfight was keeping just about everybody else from attacking them and even helping them to fend off the ones that did. One of them might even have gone on to win the whole thing if their fight hadn't tumbled into the Uchiha brothers. Neither of the girls would lift a finger against their "sexy gods" and were thus disqualified from the competition.

As for the Uchiha brothers, despite Sasuke's murderous intentions they were doing quite well. Sasuke would attack Itachi and Itachi would re-direct his attacks at a nearby pair of enemies. This strategy worked until only they and one other pair were left.

That final pair was Ginko and TenTen. Neither of them were paying any attention to the other competitors as they only had eyes for each other; that is to say, Ginko had his eyes on getting into TenTen's pants, and TenTen had her eyes on where Ginko was putting his hands and doing everything in her power to stop him from raping her in front of everyone. This had kicked up a huge cloud of dust.

While I can't tell you _exactly_ what happened between the two or even what was said (this fic is rated T after all), it was head-tiltingly kinky-sounding enough for Sasuke to _stop_ trying to murder Itachi and watch. Needless to say, neither of them were prepared when the dust cloud came their way and TenTen (in her desperation to get away from Ginko) mule kicked them both in the crotch.

In the end, TenTen managed to score a victory by picking up Sasuke's body and beating Ginko senseless.

"Did I miss anything?" Shino asked, as he returned with the roasted corn.

"Only the whole thing." Naruto snorted, taking his roasted corn. "What the hell took you so long?"

"There was a line."

"Attention please, attention please. Registration for the tug-o-war competition is now open. All those wishing to compete please line up at the booth next to the cotton candy stand." The PA crackled.

"All right! I've been waiting for this all day!" Naruto cheered.

* * *

_What kind of company picnic would this be without tug-o-war? A crappy one, that's what! Get a firm grip on your patience and hold on tight until the next chapter comes out!_


	34. Scroll Twelve: Part One

ALL HAIL BRAK!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Twelve Part One: Heave Ho!  
By Kaori

Ah tug-o-war, a simple way of determining the strength and tenacity of two groups of people who may or may not hate each other's guts. Glory to the winners and humiliation to the defeated; what better way to assert your superiority over the weak and irresolute than to pull them facedown into a pit of putrid lard?

That's right.

Lard.

A stinking, festering pile of rancid lard.

This is without a doubt the most disgusting challenge of the day.

Competing for Konoha's Deliverators today are the founding members of the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub (i.e. Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino), Uzumaki Naruto, Inuzuka Kiba, Rock Lee, Hyuuga Hinata, Akimichi Chouji, and Uchiha Sasuke. The others were content to remain on the sidelines, having no wish to risk smelling like decomposing fat for the rest of the day; which is just as well because only eight people are allowed on each team anyway.

Some of you are probably thinking that the threat of smelling like a corpse couldn't be the only deterrent when you could very well end up being one over a late delivery, and you're be right. The tub of lard is not only congealing, but it is also scorching hot. So if you were unfortunate enough to get pulled into it, you would not only smell rank you'd end up with fourth degree burns (1).

Lovely.

Considering what is at stake, it is well worth the risk if you are willing to take it. The winning team of the tug-o-war get an automatic High Competent rating on their annual employee evaluation, and one ultra rare (to the point that many still believe they only exist in ninja myth) Get out of Seppuku card each. In other words, you get one free fuck up and a guaranteed fat bonus come the holidays. You decide whether or not that's worth almost dying for.

However, the rookies' chances of actually winning are rather small as the majority of the other teams contain far more experienced ninja. If you looked very carefully you'd notice that two of those ninja are actually bears.

"Is this fair?" Konan asked Pain.

"Is what fair?" the Assistant Manager inquired, checking the rope for suspicious cuts and fraying. Instead of answering, Konan jerked a thumb towards the two bears dressed up in Ninja Resources uniforms. "Some might consider forcing the bears to wear uniforms during the competition to be unfair and cruel, but it in the unlikely event that we get pulled into the lard we can at least claim that the bears had on a measure of protective clothing."

"What? No I meant is it fair to have the bears on our team?"

"We'd get complaints of discrimination if we did not."

"Nagatooo...."

"Oh, you meant is it fair to the other teams?" Pain said hurriedly. Whenever Konan called him by his given name it usually meant he was going to get paper stuck in places that should be left alone (never mind the fact the he is her boss, he shares an apartment with the woman and he has no protection there). "They'll get over it, and besides we need eight people. Tobi is incapacitated from the burger eating contest, and Hidan says it's against his religion to compete at tug-o-war. I would have used Zetsu but alas man-eating plants don't have hands."

"Bears aren't people." Konan ground out.

"I know some people at PETA who would disagree."

Since there were only eight teams competing this year, the competition was split into two blocks. Block A consisted of the Konoha Franchise Ninja Resources Department, Ame Franchise D.E.A.T.H.S Department, Iwa Franchise Dispatcher Department, and eight random ninja from Kumo franchise.

Block B had our rookie Deliverators, eight members of the Kitchen Detail of Kusa Franchise, a mixture of Iwa's D.E.A.T.H.S Department and some of the Drive-Thru staff, and some of the Kitchen Detail of Suna franchise (which included Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, and Baki the Head Ninja Chef).

The spectators were already placing their bets as too who would be victorious and who was going to be auditioning for jobs as stunt doubles in The Mummy Part XXVIII.

_Will our rookie deliverators escape burnination? And what of the Ninja Resources Department? Will the bears be allowed to participate? This story may or may not continue. The authoress is feeling contrary._

1) I recently learned in my First Aid Refresher class that there _are_ fourth and fifth degree burns but must people are content to classify these as third degree burns. I won't be doing that anymore since a fourth degree burn doesn't look anything like a third degree burn.

For those who don't know: first degree is just a little painful, second degree is painful and the skin blisters before peeling off (I get one of these once every two months it seems, don't ask), third degree is like second degree only way more painful and the skin is horribly discoloured and very susceptible to infections, fourth degree is where the skin and muscle tissue is _melted_ damaging the nerves (will require skin grafts), and fifth degree is fourth degree all the way down to the bones and you are incapable of feeling anything in the affected area (and it oozes purple fluid).


	35. Scroll Twelve: Part Two

The authoress has decided to continue the story. Aren't you glad?

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Twelve Part Two: Can't Think of a Damned Title  
By Kaori

Whether the rookie team from Konoha Franchise was just unlucky or The Powers that Be (1) are truly out to get them is a subject for debate, but suffice to say the first match was theirs.

"Are you girls done bitching yet?" taunted one of their opponents. Their first opponents today were the team of Iwa jokingly dubbed as Drive-Thru D.E.A.T.H.S. (wouldn't that make an interesting name for a band?) by the betting pool. If anyone is interested the odds on this particular match was posted at sixty hundred and seventy-eight to one against the rookies. "Why don't you just give up now and save yourselves a trip to the hospital?"

"Why don't you put some pants on so we don't have to look at your ugly butt?" shot back Sasuke. "Oh wait, that's your face."

"Ooooooh!" chorused Ino, Sakura, and three quarters of the audience.

"I'm going to enjoy watching you roast." Growled the Iwa shinobi, tightening his grip on the rope in anticipation.

"Bring it on ass-face."

The referee ninja glanced from one side to the other, mentally calculating that both teams were standing exactly two feet away from the lard pit. Satisfied he prepared to give them the starting signal. "Participants ready?" he asked. Both sides nodded. "Aaaaaaaand...PULL!"

Almost immediately the Konoha rookies were lurched forward three inches by their older and more experienced opponents. However, Chouji and Lee (the rear support) dug in their heels and wrenched the rope back allowing their teammates to regain their balance and footing. Sasuke, at the front of the line, grinned savagely and grabbed hold of the section of rope in front of him in a tight grip. Behind him, Hinata prepared to signal the others to pull.

Unfortunately, the Iwa franchise ninjas weren't about to let the rookies gain any kind of ground and hauled Sasuke and Hinata six inches closer to the lard pit.

"No! Sasuke-kun!" wailed Ino and Sakura as they dug their heels in. It wasn't enough and they were all slowly being dragged towards the molten lard.

"Prepare to be deep fat fried!" crowed the lead Iwa ninja.

"The only ones who are gonna fry..." Sasuke snarled, only seven inches from the lard pit. "is you guys! HEY CHOUJI! ASUMA-SACHOU TOLD ME THE IWA NINS STOLE YOUR SNACK BAG!"

"NOBODY STEALS MY FOOD! DIE!"

Before any of the Iwa shinobi had any idea what was happening they were suddenly wrenched forward and into the lard pit. The screaming was short-lived but painful. The rookies looked away not wanting to watch people being cooked alive.

"Winner: Konoha Rookie Deliverators." The referee announced.

Once they were in the safe zone, the rookies allowed themselves to celebrate a little.

"One down, only two more to go!" cheered Kiba.

"Yeah, but I doubt we'll be able to use that tactic again." Muttered Sakura. "The other teams will be watching for it now."

"Then we'll just have to get creative." Sasuke said.

"Creative?" parroted Lee.

"Hn. Lee, exactly how fast can you run?"

Remember when I said that tug-o-war is about strength and tenacity? Well, a ninja's greatest strength is the ability to get the job done and there's no one more tenacious than a ninja. When your employee contract includes a clause that states that any rules not in the ninja code can and should be ignored you're going to take that little titbit and crank it up to eleven.

It's only cheating if you get caught after all.

Our rookies' next match was against the group that included the Spaisu Siblings. Things were going to get very ugly...

"_How ugly?" I hear you asking. I cannot quantify the ugliness, you will just have to wait and see. Will the Konoha Rookies be able to beat Suna's Kitchen Detail? And if they are victorious in this match do they have any hope of defeating the victors of the Block A bouts? And speaking of Block A, will the authoress bother to tell you how any of the matches went? Only time will tell._

1)For anyone who is interested their names are: Omni Potence, Omni Science, Omni Presence, Omni Ficent, and Om Nom Nom the Omnivore (their pet bear).


	36. Scroll Twelve: Part Three

You know, they say if you chant the One Winged Angel theme from Final Fantasy VII backwards, in a dark room, at midnight, in front of a mirror Cloud Strife will appear and bitch slap you.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Twelve Part Three: Nope, Still Got Nothin'  
By Kaori

Truthfully somebody should have seen this coming. I mean, really if you're going to have a competition involving a hot substance you should make sure that substance isn't one that is easily cooled. So now, the audience was watching Spaisu no Temari, Haruno Sakura, and Yamanaka Ino have a three-way catfight in a giant pool of disgusting, rancid lard. How did events turn thus? Let us turn back the clock twenty minutes...

Once the signal to start had been given both teams immediately started pulling on the rope, but it was obvious that the Suna team had brute force on their side as their team had five senior level employees on their side. But then the tables turned in the favour of the Konoha rookies when they put the plan they'd thought up after their first match into action.

Lee, as evidenced during the 1000 metre Deliverator Dash, is a fast little bastard so Sasuke's plan was thus: Chouji was placed in the anchor position at the end of the rope so that when Lee let go the others wouldn't immediately get yanked into the hot lard. Lee then would run and get the emergency high pressure hose (you wouldn't believe how many times riots break out during the company picnic) and turn it on full blast into the lard causing it to violently erupt onto their opponents. In their surprise and alarm, the Suna team would then let go of the rope assuring the victory of the rookie team.

Unfortunately this didn't work out quite as planned. Things went according to plan up to the point that the lard exploded, unfortunately physics being what it is the lard erupted upwards instead of directly towards the Suna team. Not wanting to get scalded, Temari utilized her Fan the Flames no Jutsu to blow the hot lard towards the Konoha team.

Sakura, thinking fast and acting at the same speed, took out the now infamous tornado-generating feather duster and whipped up a whirlwind.

As Lee had not turned off the hose, the colliding winds along with the water and lard created a disgusting storm of slop that rained down on all the participants. Thankfully the water had cooled the lard or they'd all have been hospitalized for burns. As it stands, they all smell like they'd rolled in garbage and then buried themselves in manure.

"My hair!" wailed Ino. "It's going to take weeks to get this crud out!"

"Your hair, what about me?" Sakura cried, wringing her skirt. "This was my favourite outfit and now it's ruined!"

"Serves you dumbasses right for pulling such a dumb stunt." Spat Temari. "Seriously, which one of you jerk-offs thought that spraying cold water onto hot lard was a good idea?"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" chorused Sakura and Ino.

"Why should I? I'm not the least bit sorry."

"How dare you insult Sasuke-kun!" Those two really ought to stop speaking in stereo.

"You shut up!" Sakura hissed at me. Seriously girl, why can you hear me?

"Come over here and make me!" Temari challenged, obviously thinking Sakura was speaking to her.

"You asked for it!" screamed Ino, launching herself at the older blonde girl with fists cocked. Sakura, wanting a piece of Temari herself, followed suit.

Which brings us back to the here and now as the three girls continued to fight it out in the lard pit, the boys and Hinata had left them to go search for a shower after the referee informed them both teams were disqualified.

Now for those of you who are curious, this means that whoever won the Block A division bouts would be the Tug-O-War champions this year. Unsurprisingly, this turned out to be Konoha's Ninja Resources Department (1), much to the chagrin of Uchiha Sasuke; especially since this meant he had failed in his self-appointed mission to one-up his older sibling and replace him as the favourite son.

Since there really wasn't much to do once all the events were over, everyone started to leave and go home/out to a bar/cruising for chicks. Tomorrow was back to the daily grind so everyone felt it best to cram whatever fun there was to be had while they still had time.

In the case of the Konoha Rookie Deliverators, this meant wandering around town.

_The picnic may be over but the silliness just won't stop. Next scroll our young friends find themselves in unfamiliar territory..._

_

* * *

  
_

1) Here's a challenge for you fans out there, write what happened during that tug-o-war battle. Remember, the competitors from the Ninja Resources Department are Pein (the Assistant Manager), Konan, Itachi, Deidara, Kisame, Sasori, and two bears. Your choices as to who they are up against are the Iwa Franchise Dispatcher Department, Ame Franchise D.E.A.T.H.S Department, and eight random ninja from the Kumo franchise.


	37. Scroll Thirteen: Part One

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Thirteen, Part One: You Don't Have to Go Home…  
By Kaori

Since no one was quite ready to go home yet, Konoha franchise's rookie deliverators decided to goof off in town. Much to Sakura's irritation they all went downtown as one big group.

"Hey, Naruto." She ventured. "Shouldn't you be going home now that the competition is over?" She asked this not out of concern for her teammate, but rather as a ploy to have Sasuke all to herself.

You see, Sasuke had anticipated his fellow deliverator's Love-Love Attack from Hell and thus positioned himself in the middle of the group. Naruto was walking to his immediate right, Shikamaru on his left, and Team 8 behind him. This meant that he was safe from the amorous intentions of not only Sakura, but Ino as well. Hearing Sakura's comment, he immediately pointed out that since they are a team if Naruto goes home then they all should go home as it would be bad for the team dynamic if they were to go out without him.

Sakura, undaunted, then asked aloud why they were still hanging around with Teams 8 and 10. Thankfully Kiba had a response that didn't have anything to do with stalker-like tendencies.

"This is the first time we've all been together without adult supervision in _years_!" he declared. "Do you really want to waste this opportunity to spend time with your friends outside of work?"

Sakura had to admit that he had a point.

"So, where are we going?" Naruto asked.

"The mall!" squealed Ino.

"It's closed at this hour." Shikamaru pointed out.

"TITTY BAR!" roared Kiba he was immediately slapped by Ino, Sakura, and a woman who just happened to be passing by. "Ow…I was kidding."

"A restaurant?" Chouji said hopefully.

"Haven't you eaten enough?" deadpanned Shikamaru

"No."

"Shoplifting?" everyone turned to gape at Shino. "What?" The others shook their heads. "You guys never let me have any fun."

"Um," Hinata started before anyone could say anything else about Shino's kleptomania. "where are we?"

For the first time since they started this conversation everyone looked around them. It was Kiba who eventually voiced what everyone else was thinking, "Well crap, we're lost."

_Yep. It's late at night and our young friends have gotten themselves lost. But just where have they wandered to? Hmm…next scroll will reveal all! Well not all but enough to answer the preceding question._


	38. Scroll Thirteen: Part Two

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Thirteen, Part Two: Strangers in the Night  
By Kaori

"Great, this is just great." Groused Sasuke. "I knew we should have grabbed a GPS before we left R & D."

"Okay, nobody panic." Sakura said, although she looked like she was about to do just that. "We'll be fine so long as we don't get separated."

"Um," TenTen said nervously. "Kiba, Shino, Naruto, and Hinata are missing." Neji looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

"WHAT?" he yelled, looking around wildly for his cousin. "Uncle Hiashi is going to _kill_ me! I promised that I wouldn't let her out of my sight! He told me if anything happened to her he'd kill me, and paint a picture of my incompetence with my blood using my tanned hide for a canvas! I don't want to die! I haven't gone skinny dipping at midnight (1) yet!" That lost comment garnered him some strange looks.

"Kiba, Naruto, and Hinata I understand." Ino muttered, but why the heck did Shino disappear too?"

"What do you mean?" growled Neji.

"Well, Kiba and Naruto are the kind of guys that go out looking for crap they can get themselves into. Hinata has a thing for Naruto so of course she'd follow those two, but Shino's motives are a mystery to me." The blonde girl explained.

"Oh that one's easy." Chouji said. "Shino doesn't look it, but he enjoys doing devious things like shoplifting and picking people's pockets."

"None of that is important!" Sakura stamped her foot in exasperation. "We need to find them!"

"Why?" Sasuke interjected. As he still had five meat shields between him, Sakura and Ino, he saw no reason to go looking for their missing colleagues.

"Where's your wallet Sasuke?"

"It's right…" he reached into his pocket and found that his wallet was indeed gone. "What the hell?" Reflexively everyone else checked for their wallets and/or purses and discovered that theirs were missing as well. Shikamaru gave an annoyed grunt.

"Shino you son of a…"

Contrary to what their friends may have been thinking, our wayward group of ninja had not wandered off on their own. You see while everyone had been freaking out over getting lost, Naruto had been distracted by a white-haired young man in glasses waving at him from an alleyway. Elbowing Kiba to get him to come along (because let's face it, only a _complete_ fool goes into an alley by themselves) he made his way over. Shino and Hinata, seeing their friends heading for an alley, followed.

"Hey," the white-haired guy stage-whispered. "you're Ninja Burger employees, right?"

"Who wants to know?" Naruto glared.

"My name is Yakushi Kabuto, I'm a Ninja Burger employee too." The overly friendly young-man said, pulling out his ID. "I'm from Oto franchise."

"Never heard of it." Said Shino.

"Ah, well we've only been fully operational for about a year or so. We've got a small clientele right now but we're expecting business to pick up soon."

"So what did you call us over here for anyway?" Kiba asked.

"Well, actually I just wanted to ask you a few questions."

"Questions?"

"Yes. Did you know that argon is colorless, odorless, 25% more dense than air, and is an asphyxiant?" without warning the garbage can they were standing next to exploded in a stream of smoke and the four deliverators soon found themselves it difficult to breathe. They tried running out of the alley but were so overcome with dizziness and nausea that moving with any sort of coordination was nigh impossible; and the exploded garbage can was still pouring smoke into the cramped alley. "Did you also know that carbon monoxide is a neurotoxin? I took the liberty of adding it to the smoke bomb I hid in the garbage can." The last thing the young deliverators saw before they blacked out was Kabuto grinning from the open end of the alley.

When they regained consciousness the first thing they noticed was that they were chained to a wall in a gigantic (but immaculate) kitchen. Ninja cooks literally danced as they moved about preparing food in a highly stylized fashion. As for the burgers, they were finicky looking things with ingredients like avocado and mango, and garnished with lemongrass and other such frou-frou ingredients. Even the French fries weren't simply julienned but cut into the shape of shuriken. As they watched the incredibly choreographed scene before them, the door at the far end swung opened and in walked a tall, pale man, with long black hair and reptilian eyes who was closely followed by Kabuto. Both men immediately made a beeline for their captives.

"Greetings," bowed the older man. "I am Orochimaru, Franchise Manager of Oto Ninja Burger. I do apologize for your current accommodations but I simply cannot have you running about you see."

"What's the big idea kidnapping us out of the blue like that?" Naruto demanded, pulling at his chains as if he could yank them out of the wall.

"You may as well dispense with the charade. I know you were sent here to spy on me." At the three blank and one completely confused looks he got Orochimaru put his hands on his hips. "Oh please, the teenagers-lost-in-the-big-city ploy is older than Konoha's Third Franchise Manager." Four annoyed looks. "You honestly expect me to believe that Sarutobi didn't send you here to spy on me, and find out how I plan to take control of the entire Ninja Burger enterprise?"

"Dude, we didn't even know there _was_ an Oto franchise before your little toady over there told us." Kiba snapped.

"I am not a toady!" Kabuto pouted.

"So, Sarutobi _didn't_ send you to spy on me and ultimately try to foil me?" Orochimaru asked.

"Exactly. We just got lost after we left the company picnic." Said Shino.

"And you had no idea at all of what I was planning before now?"

"None whatsoever." Naruto confirmed.

"I just revealed my grand scheme for no good reason at all?"

"If it makes you feel any better we don't know how you plan to go about accomplishing it." Hinata pointed out.

"So if you could just unlock these shackles and let us go back to our friends so we can find ourselves a swingin' party before the night's over that would be great." Kiba said.

"I can't let you leave now!" Orochimaru snapped. "You know too much!"

"And whose fault is that?" Shino countered.

"Shut up! You are going to stay here until I'm done taking over Konoha Ninja Burger. Come Kabuto, we must complete our preparations tonight!" And with that he stomped off.

"Well this is just great." Groused Naruto. "How are we supposed to get out of this mess?"

"Don't worry," said Shino. "I took the liberty of stealing everyone's wallets before we went into the alley."

"What, why?"

"On the off chance that guy was gonna invite us to a rave I figured we'd need drinking money."

"It must be a very strange place inside your head Shino." Kiba sighed. "I don't get how stealing everyone's money is going to help us."

"It's very simple. We're lost in the city with no other way to get home except by public transportation and I have all their money. Why wouldn't they come looking for us?"

* * *

_Yeah, I know I took a long time to update but I think I deserve a little slack for writing three stories at once. It's getting harder and harder to keep up with the continuity all three. I may have to consider ending this one soon._

1) Supposedly one of the 101 things you should do before you die. Having said that, if any of you plan on doing this make absolutely certain that the place you do it at is completely devoid of other people; some of us don't want a free show thank you very much.


	39. Scroll Thirteen: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Thirteen, Part Three:  
By Kaori

Hunting down three teenagers in an unfamiliar area is not a simple task, especially since no one had any real clue as to where they might have gone. Worse, without money they couldn't go home if they wanted to and they didn't dare call their parents for fear of their wrath. So they did the only thing a teenager can involved in sitcom-esque wacky hijinks: call the least responsible adult they know for help.

"Please Kakashi-sachou!" Sakura begged on her cell phone, going silent as she listened to the response. "But we don't have any money! Shino stole our wallets!" She frowned. "What do you mean "good for him"?" A pause. "Of course we wouldn't have left them behind if they hadn't taken our money! Naruto is franchise property, we'd get in serious trouble if he's not returned!" Another pause. "Oh really? Well _you_ are our supervisor which means that _you'd_ also be held responsible and have to be punished." A short pause. "What do you mean you'll be down in two minutes? Just where are y… Huh? Look up?" All the teenagers looked up and then did a double-take; Hatake Kakashi was leaning out a fourth floor window of the apartment complex across the street, cell phone to his ear and waving his free hand at them.

"You live here Kakashi-sachou?" Sasuke asked once the older man had joined them on street level.

"Nah, that's my friend Pedro's place. He went missing some time ago, but I kept the keys to his apartment so that I could keep an eye on it for him…and hide from my landlord when he gets mad at me for making fun of his accent." Kakashi explained. "Anyway, you say you need help tracking down Naruto and the dorks under Kurenai's supervision right? Have you tried tracking Naruto's GPS chip?"

"You had him chipped?" blinked Shikamaru.

"Of course _I _didn't! The franchise manager had it done when his parents were killed."

"_Why_?" TenTen asked the question everyone was thinking anyway.

"He _is_ company property, we need to be able to locate him if he's stolen or misplaced."

"So, he has a tracking chip in him?" Neji deadpanned.

"Yep, once you input his chip number into the tracking system we'll be able to find him."

"Is that legal?" asked Chouji.

"No, but it was easier than adopting him (1)." Chorused Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke.

Back to the missing deliverators, Naruto was getting impatient. While he had no doubt that his colleagues would come to their rescue (if only to get their money back) it was almost certain that by the time they arrived it would be too late to stop Orochimaru. Furthermore, he was getting hungry and with his arms chained to the wall he couldn't scratch his itchy nose; how exceedingly irritating. In a desperate effort to distract himself from his itchiness and hunger he looked over to his comrades.

Kiba had fallen asleep in his restraints and a puddle of drool was collecting below him. Hinata appeared to be watching the goings-on in the kitchen. Shino…was missing? What the fuck? Naruto decided to watch the kitchen and caught a glimpse of a familiar hoodie popping up at random throughout the kitchen; apparently this was what Hinata was watching.

It may interest the reader to know that Shino's kleptomania was not borne of any head trauma or borne of a suppressed obsessive compulsive disorder. No, his urge to steal things comes from his family's specialized training in corporate sabotage. The Aburame clan is one of Ninja Burgers best saboteurs who have led to the demise of many a franchise. Ever heard of Swank's Pizza or Chicken Unlimited? They're the reason why (2). At any rate, Shino's training went a little too far and now he's compelled to steal things from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep; at which point he dreams about stealing. Most of the time he's able to control the compulsion but sometimes, when he's not working, he has to assuage the urge by committing petty theft. This is actually a huge improvement. Initially he'd steal everything that wasn't nailed down or on fire (although occasionally he'd steal things that were nailed down _and_ on fire) and sabotage everyone he happened to come across. To date, his skills have only failed on three people: Konoha Ninja Burger's Third Franchise Manager, Uchiha Itachi, and Uchiha Tobi; the latter because he pretty much sabotages himself.

But back to Shino Solid Snaking it in the Oto franchise kitchen.

Shino was bored and hungry so he used the lock picks he kept up his sleeve to release himself from his restraints. Once free he immediately stole the ingredients necessary for the creation of a ninja burger, assembled it, consumed it, and then stole a soda on its way to the delivery bay. From there he went from table to table, putting cockroaches in the food and dispensing laxative powder into the drinks. Feeling frisky, he stole all the kitchen staff's money and threw their credit cards into the industrial grade garbage disposal. Satisfied for the time being, he slipped back over to his comrades and locked himself back into the manacles. Naruto glared at him.

"What?" Shino asked innocently.

"You could at least have made me a burger, you bastard." Naruto growled.

* * *

1) What do you know? The fic has its own catchphrase.

2) Actually, this is not true, these two fine establishments went out of business because of Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken respectively. Or I could be lying and it actually _was_ the Aburame clan…


	40. Scroll Fourteen: Part One

A/N: Blame TV Tropes for this chapter.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fourteen, Part One: Conveniently Placed Inconveniences  
By Kaori

"It's not working." Kakashi stated blandly.

"What do you mean "it's not working"? I thought you said we could track the idiot!" growled Sasuke.

"I mean the tracker isn't being picked up. Either the GPS chip has been removed and destroyed or…"

"_Or_…" urged Neji.

"…_or_ he's somewhere the satellite can't find." Shrugged the supervisor.

"Well this is _just great_." Ino moaned. "At this rate we'll never find them!"

The group were currently at an Internet Café using the computer to log on to the GPS tracking network in, what now appears to be, a futile attempt to find Naruto and the missing Deliverators. With that option now proven to be completely worthless, they now had to come up with a new plan of action.

"Hell yeah! In your face Alliance scum!"

But first they have to get TenTen to stop playing World of Warcraft (1).

Meanwhile, Orochimaru was having a fit. During the inspection stage of the delivery process, roaches and other vermin had been discovered in the food. This would severely set back his invasion fans and if there was one thing he hated it was setbacks. His plan would be held back all over three minutes! Someone needed to be punished for this…

"Kabuto!" barked Orochimaru, his ponytailed lackey immediately appearing at his side.

"Master?"

"Fetch the whipping boy (2)."

"As you wish, Master." And he scurried off to find Zaku.

Once Zaku had been found, Kabuo and Orochimaru dragged the hapless young man to the kitchen and had him stand before the captured Konoha Deliverators, shirtless. The Oto Franchise Manager glared at the quartet.

"I know you have been interfering with my plan somehow." He stated coldly. "Know that I am on to you and that you will not stop me. However, someone must be punished for this disruptive act, and since you are still my guests…" he made a small gesture towards Zaku who was suddenly whipped with what appeared to be a very long, thick, noodle. Zaku howled in pain. "I shall have to dole out your punishments on Zaku here. Kabuto, one hundred lashes…" he glanced at Naruto and company. "…per guest."

Back to Kakashi and company who still have no idea how to find their missing coworkers, but managed to pry TenTen away from the computer somehow.

"It's starting to get really late." Chouji observed. "Our parents are going to be suspicious if we're not home soon."

"Screw our parents." Sasuke muttered darkly, not looking forward to the attempts on his life he was certain to suffer for just for this incident. "That pales in comparison to what'll happen to us if we don't get Naruto back to the franchise before our shift starts."

Everyone except Sakura, who was deep in thought, winced.

"You know where they are don't you?" she growled, her comrades giving her strange looks.

"Sakura, who are you talking to?" asked Sasuke, edging even further away from her. Ino flapped her hand in annoyance.

"Oh she's been doing that for a while now. I swear she's a complete schizo!"

"I AM NOT CRAZY!" she yelled at the blonde. "Well?" she continued. Honestly, why the hell can she hear me? "I don't know and stop talking about me like I can't. Do you know where Naruto and the others are or don't you?" Of course I do, but I can't tell you. "Why the hell not!" It's against the rules, it's bad enough I'm acknowledging this conversation. Do you have any idea the kind of confusion this sort of nonsense causes? "Don't know, don't care. Tell me where Naruto is or I promise you, you're not going to like it." Psh. I don't have to listen to you, you can't even see me.

"Yep, she's lost it." Shikamaru nodded. "Do you think we need to call D.E.A.T.H.S?"

"No, I think I've heard of this condition." Kakashi said. "Some people are able to communicate with forces outside of normal human perception."

"And you think _Sakura_ is talking to one right now?"

"It's a possibility." Shrugged the supervisor. "Hey, Sakura does whoever you're talking to have the ability to take us to where the others are?"

"Do you?" Sakura asked. I do, but I'm not allowed to do it. "She says she does but she's not allowed to."

"'She'? The figment of your imagination is female?" snorted Ino. I resent being referred to as a figment of some fangirl's imagination. A pigeon chose that moment to defecate on Ino's head. "AAAAARGH! EEEWWW!" Her coworkers stepped away from her; no one insults me and gets away with it.

"Childish much?" deadpanned Sakura. 'Ey screw you pinky.

This scene is beginning to get on my nerves (and probably your nerves) so let's check back with Naruto and Team 8.

Zaku was still being whipped while the young prisoners watched…bored. Really why should they care if some idiot from the rival franchise gets the crap beat out of him? In fact, for the first five minutes they'd been screwing up Kabuto's counting so he'd have to start whipping the poor fool all over again.

"Okay, this is lame. I say we blow this popsicle stand." Said Kiba. "Seriously, nobody's watching us and Kabuto's too busy auditioning for a spot in the Whip It re-mix video."

"Shouldn't we stop Orochimaru though?" Hinata pointed out. "I mean, if he manages to take over the franchise we'd have to work for him."

"That would suck. It's bad enough I'm company property, but if he takes over it'll be like I'm _his_ property." Shuddered Naruto.

"And there's no way I'm making any frou-frou, sissy burger. I mean look at these guys, they're using Dijon mustard for ancestors' sake!" Kiba spat. "Shino, let us loose so we can pwn these losers!"

Swift as a breeze through a whore's panties they escaped their bonds and jumped up to the ceiling where the proceeded to climb into the franchise's air conditioning system; Kabuto obliviously continued to whip poor Zaku.

The first thing they decided to do was find the dispatch room. From there they could contact Konoha franchise and warn them about Orochimaru's diabolical plot. Unfortunately, they were not alone in the ventilation system…

"And just what the fuck are you shitheads doing in here?" ground out a feminine voice.

_Uh oh, busted, but by whom? Will Team 8 and Naruto be able to escape capture and warn the Konoha franchise? Will their friends be able to find them, or will they be subject to loss of honor (and possibly digits)? And why the hell can Sakura hear me? Answers to at least one of these questions next chapter._

* * *

1) For the record, I don't but I know a few poor souls who are currently in WoW rehab.

2) A reference to Prince Brat and the Whipping Boy, a movie (based on the book The Whipping Boy) I had intended to parody using Sasuke (as Prince Brat) and Naruto (as The Whipping Boy) but never got around to doing it.


	41. Scroll Fourteen: Part Two

WARNING: Excessive foul language ahead!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fourteen, Part Two: You Kiss Your Mother with That Mouth?  
By Kaori

"I asked you motherfuckers a question!" spat the angry female. From what little they could see of her in the gloom, she had dark pink hair and brown eyes and was wearing some sort of turban.

"Um…health inspection?" Kiba tried.

"ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME BASTARD?" the young woman yelled.

"Tayuya? Who are you screachin' at up there?" a male voice inquired from below them. "Or have you finally lost what little of your mind you had left?"

"SCREW YOU SAKON! THERE'S SOME TRASH CLOGGING UP THE VENTS!"

Suddenly the entire ceiling seemed to shake and they all suddenly came crashing down into a brightly lit room. Tayuya was cursing up a storm.

"Jirobo you goddamn fatass, don't break the motherfucking ceiling! Shit! There goes another two month's worth of my fucking paycheck!"

"Tayuya, you really shouldn't cuss."

"I'll cuss as much as I fucking want you fugitive from Jenny Craig!"

The four Deliverators from Konoha were surrounded by the four older teenagers; Tayuya,the rotund redhead newly identified as Jirobo, a male teenager that upon closer inspection had a conjoined twin (who appeared to be asleep), and another male who…

"Dude, you've got four arms!" Kiba pointed up at the older teen before him.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to point?" glared the four-armed young man.

"Yeah, but she ain't here."

"You'll be crying for her once we get through with you. How did you get in here anyway?"

"That dickweed Kabuto gassed us and dragged us here."

"And now we're leaving." Shino interrupted, and tossed a wasabi powder bomb in their midst and causing their captors a coughing fit. The Konoha quartet made a hasty retreat in the confusion, loud cursing not solely from Tayuya ringing in their ears.

"Damn that girl has a foul mouth." Kiba remarked.

"Don't look now but I think they are chasing us." Shino said. Immediately his three cohorts gave a quick look behind them, made noises of consternation and sped up their already considerable pace. "I said not to look."

At this point I'd like to point out that Shino _could_ have tripped one of his fellow ninja, as one needn't outrun their pursuers just the slowest person, but he decided against it as it would be much more difficult to explain why he essentially betrayed his coworkers to the enemy without filing form 6294-B (Application for Permission to Backstab Fellow Employee for the Purpose of Self-Preservation) and getting authorization. With that said, we now return you to your regularly scheduled chase scene already in progress.

"Quick Kidomaru, the net!" yelled Tayuya.

"On it." The four-armed teen said, tossing a large bolo net at high speed towards the fleeing quartet.

The Konoha deliverators immediately dropped to the floor as the net went soaring over their heads. As soon as it had passed over, they got up and started running again. Unfortunately they didn't notice the rope attached to the net until it was far too late and they were scooped up like fish. Thankfully, ninja carry knives.

"Goddammit!" raged Tayuya as the younger teenagers continued to elude them.

"Relax would ya." The non-sleeping conjoined twin said. "They're heading towards _his_ office; they won't be getting away."

"Sakon you dumbass, if they go in there we're _all_ doomed! No matter what we have to keep them out of…"

"Too late." Said the Kidomaru.

"Quick! Into that room!" Kiba yelled.

"DAMN IT TO HELL!" Tayuya stomped her feet and swore in exasperation as the four Konoha ninja ducked into the very office they didn't want them to go into.

"Well, I guess that's that. I don't know about you, but I sure as hell ain't goin' in there." Shrugged Sakon. Jirobo and Kidomaru nodded in agreement, Tayuya continued to swear.

On the other side of the door…

"Where do you think we are?" whispered Hinata. They had ducked into a very dark room in hopes of finding a way to escape their pursuers. They had not been followed inside which only made them wonder as to the reason why.

"You're in my office." A low voice replied in the gloom. Instinctively the Konoha deliverators backed up to the nearest wall. The lights in the room suddenly came on, revealing a very pale, sickly-looking, white-haired young man sitting in a swivel chair at a desk on the other side of the room. "Why are you in here? I specifically requested that I not be disturbed." He narrowed his eyes and the Konoha Deliverators flinched backwards. "Wait…you don't work here." His eyes landed on their ID tags. "That's the Konoha franchise insignia." He stood up menacingly. "Who are you?"

"We're guests." Shino said hastily. "Your assistant manager brought us here."

"Ah, I see." the tall man sat back down, accepting the reply placidly. "Well then, my name is Kimimaro, I'm the Head of Recruitment here at Oto Franchise." After that polite introduction the younger occupants of the office felt compelled to introduce themselves.

"Well, Im Uzumaki Naruto; a Deliverator and soon to be Konoha Franchise Manager." declared Naruto, proudly.

"Inuzuka Kiba, Konoha Deliverator and future Konoha Driver." Said Kiba, grinning at the thought of terrorizing the populace with vehicular mayhem.

"Hyuuga Hinata, Konoha Deliverator aspiring to be a Dispatcher." Hinata said quietly.

"Aburame Shino, no one you need concern yourself with." Shino stated. Kimimaro nodded sagely.

"It is nice to meet you all. May I offer you something to drink? Perhaps a refreshing cola?" The Kba, Hinata, and Naruto shook their heads vigorously while Shino remained impassive.

"No thank you, we really should be going." Hinata politely said.

"Well now I'm afraid I simply can't allow that…" And before the Konoha Deliverators could get another word out, they were suddenly chained to the far wall.

"GODDAMIT!" cursed Kiba.

"While the vulgarity was expected it is by no means acceptable. Kindly refrain from doing so in my presence."

"What is it with you guys and chaining people to walls?" groused Naruto.

"We find that when applied properly they are less easy to escape from than ropes. Now, since I have you as my captive audience I can have someone to listen to my poetry."

Since I don't want to hear any poetry written by someone who has to chain the audience to a wall in order to get them to listen to it, let's check back in with Sakura and company, who are exactly where we left them last time.

"WHERE DID YOU GO? I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU FOR TWENTY MINUTES!" screamed the rosette. I refuse to answer her directly, instead I bring everyone's attention back to the fact that the world does not revolve around Sakura and I do have other things to do.

"I take it this means our invisible friend is back." Shikamaru deadpanned.

"Yes she is and just as unhelpful as always." The unhelpfulness is intentional. At any rate, the search for the missing Deliverators had not progressed in the slightest and they were running out of time. At this point the group was desperate enough to try asking the mysterious man at the rental booth for help. "Mysterious guy at a rental booth?"

"That one over there?" Chouji pointed to the, before now unnoticeable, rental booth in the alleyway across the street. "What about it?"

"Hell if I know, the unhelpful voice in my head brought it up."

"Well we may as well check it out." Sighed Neji. "It's not like we're getting anywhere standing around like this."

Into the alley they went to the little booth set into the end of the alley. They couldn't make out much of the figure behind the heavily tinted glass except that he was sporting a fuzzy afro, and from the cash slot they could see he was wearing a red jacket, a blue shirt, and a yellow necktie. There was a sign set up next to the booth that read "I'll loan you anything. Except money." (1)

"Hey there," a gravelly, yet suave voice greeted from behind the partition. "what can I do for you?"

* * *

_Yeah, I'm intentionally leaving off here for the sake of annoying as many people as I can because I didn't get crap for my birthday. I can be petty like that. Anyway, next scroll we finally get around to moving the plot forward._

1) Nerima Daikon Brothers!ne"


	42. Scroll Fourteen: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fourteen, Part Three: Somnium ex Scriptor  
By Kaori

After being forced to sing for their rental item, the group of young ninja were rather bewildered as to what exactly they were supposed to do with it.

"How is a frog supposed to help us find the others?" Ino wondered out loud, blinking at the amphibian currently being held by Lee.

"Don't you know? A frog is a talisman." Kakashi explained, and was given dubious looks from the teenagers.

"If frogs are so good at finding people, then why do the police use so many dogs?" Neji pointed out.

"It's true." Kakashi insisted as he reached into his pocket, pulled out a ball of red yarn, and tied it around one of the frog's legs before taking it from Lee. "Now, go! Find Naruto!" he released it.

Meanwhile, the missing foursome were still being forced to endure Kimimaro's horrifying poetry.

"And this one is called, "Ode to a Lawn Sprinkler"." the Oto Recruitment Head intoned solemnly.

"NO MORE! ANCESTORS! NO MORE!" wailed Kiba. Hinata had long since fallen into a catatonic state, and Naruto was babbling nonsensically. Shino had actually escaped sometime during Kimimaro's third poem and had replaced himself with a dummy; he's probably off wreaking havoc somewhere at this very moment.

"Ssh, this is a very emotional poem." said Kimimaro. Orochimaru chose that moment to enter the room.

"Kimimaro have you seen any Konoha...Ah, never mind." he said placidly. "Do carry on." and with that he left.

"Heartless bastard..." Kiba cried as Kimimaro resumed his poetry reading.

Shino stealthily and swiftly navigated through the building, heading for the dispatcher room. His comrades would be fine for the moment, but his franchise was in danger. Despite any outward stoicism or nonchalance he portrayed, he really did love Konoha Ninja Burger and did not want it to fall into the hands of a deranged madman intent on destroying years of tradition in favour of hoity-toity, expensive burgers and flashy presentation. These burgers may have great beauty, but they lacked the essential soul of a ninja burger. There was no honour in that and loss of honour is beyond unacceptable in Shino's mind.

The Oto Dispatch Centre was far different from the one at Konoha franchise. Where Konoha's was a bloodstained (from numerous promotions and demotions over the years) with stainless steel furniture and terminals in a mostly featureless room, Oto franchise's room consisted of a loan computer hooked up to a router. Apparently all order placements and deliverator assignments were handled by this one computer. While he applauded the efficiency of such a set up, Shino had to shake his head at the lack of warmth from such a system. It did make it a hell of a lot easier for him to screw with Orochimaru's plans and contact his home franchise though.

Several blocks away Kakashi, followed by the other Konoha Rookie Deliverators, was reeling in the red yarn as they followed it to where they hoped their missing friends would be.

"We're getting close." the supervisor muttered. "The string feels tighter."

"The sooner this is over the better." grumbled Sasuke. It was getting very close to midnight and while he was already in for it when he got home, this adventure was far more trying on his patience than anything his parents would do to him.

"If Shino's spent all my money I'll kill him." TenTen declared. "The first chance I get I'm going to buy a new laptop. The one I've got now is way too slow to play Warcraft on."

"Should we be worried about TenTen's new addiction to MMORPGs?" Lee asked Neji. The Hyuuga shrugged.

"It's no worse than you and your plastic figurines."

"Oh! That reminds me! The Prince Harry and Katherine Middleton figurines come out tomorrow! We must complete our rescue mission quickly else I will not be able to get a place in line! Ah! And I promised Gai-sachou I'd pick him up the latest Barack Obama figure!" gushed the bowl-cut Deliverator. Neji gave an aggravated sigh and wondered if he would ever find anyone else in his franchise with a sane level of appreciation for their hobby.

"It looks like we're reaching the end." Shikamaru stated. "The yarn seems to lead into that building up ahead." he pointed.

"Right." Kakashi agreed. "Everyone get ready, we don't know what we'll find when we get in there."

What they found when they got in there was a ninja sitting in front of a small grill. A grill that the red yarn lead into.

"What are you doing?" Chouji exclaimed.

"What does it look like I'm doing." grumbled the other ninja, not turning around. "I'm making a frog burger."

"Frog burger?"

"Noooo! Our frog!" cried Lee. This caused the strange ninja to turn around.

"Hey! You're not supposed to be he..." he was cut off by a well-placed chop to the neck courtesy of Neji.

"Hey, look at this!" Sakura exclaimed, picking up an object near the door. "Isn't this Kiba's backpack?" she held it aloft for all to see. Indeed it was Kiba's beloved "Akamaru".

"They must be here." Sasuke said. "Let's go. Ancestor's know what kind of trouble they've gotten themselves into."

* * *

_Sasuke doesn't know the half of it. At any rate, for those of you who don't speak Latin, the tile means Foolishness from the Author. The frog thing is a reference to a Kung-Fu film called Legend of the Liquid Sword. In fact most of the conversation involving the frog is a direct rip-off from the movie._

_Happy New Year everyone!_


	43. Scroll Fifteen: Part One

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fifteen, Part One: The Author's Run Out of Pithy Titles  
By Kaori

They say that if you go mad long enough you eventually wrap around back to sanity. Of course, the people who say that are usually the same people that say if you screw enough people you get your virginity back. Yeah, normally it's more sensible to ignore such people but in the case of Naruto Uzumaki it would be prudent to side with the slutty whores because it is the only explanation for what happened when Kimimaro started reading his "Exaltation of a Bondage Queen" poem.

At first he just started moaning softly to himself, but then the moaning turned to muttering, and the muttering got louder. The louder the muttering got the more apparent it became that Naruto hadn't actually been muttering at all but had been singing "Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen and now he was starting on Guns n' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle".

Kimimaro was about to perform a percussive reset (1) on the blonde but then...Naruto Flipped Out.

/WARNING: You are now entering the Real Ultimate Power Zone. Do not proceed if you are not PUMPED UP!/

A guitar riff that sounded suspiciously like the one from Crazy Train started playing and hot women in bikinis led by Hinata (who had somehow been divested of her usual clothing and was clad in a monokini) started dancing while Kiba and Naruto flipped out, and Kimimaro set the room on fire! As if the Gods of Rock themselves had been called to the scene, steams of pyrotechnics erupted from the floor!

Then, General Zod descended upon Kimimaro and the white-haired man was forced to Kneel Before Zod before he was immediately dragged down to the bowels of the Underworld for blaspheming against Chuck Norris!

/Exiting Real Ultimate Power Zone. (2)/

"What the hell just happened?" Kiba demanded as everything was suddenly back to normal. Naruto just looked at him in confusion, having no recollection of anything odd even having occurred and was just as confused as him. "AND WHERE THE HELL DID THESE WOMEN COME FROM?" he pointed to the scantily clad (and also befuddled) females who were exiting the room in a hurry.

Hinata was too busy putting her clothes back on to add anything to the conversation, but was also wondering just what had happened. There wasn't anything in the Ninja Burger Employee Manual about summoning the Power of Awesome to escape from peril. Sure there was a subsection on Flipping Out but that was usually taught to master level ninja. She blinked. "Taught" isn't the right term to use, Flipping Out is the result of trying to learn master level techniques, going through the training, and then finding out that the instructor has been screwing with you the entire time for his own sick amusement. Still, Flipping Out at this level takes quite a bit of power; Hinata was_ very_ impressed.

And just _how _had she ended up in a monokini anyway?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rescue attempt already in progress.

At this point in time Kakashi and the remaining young Deliverators had managed to sneak their way into Oto Ninja Burger's break room. Unfortunately it was being occupied by some irate Oto Deliverators. Fortunately Oto Deliverators aren't very good in a fight and they were defeated most handily.

"Hmph, it seems the Franchise Manager here doesn't seem to care too much about the quality of his Deliverators." Neji observed, kicking one in the side just because.

"He also doesn't seem to worry about people finding this place. I haven't spotted any surveillance cameras anywhere." Shikamaru noted. "And look, not one of them is carrying a weapon. We'd never get away with this kind of slackness at _our_ franchise."

"Truly this is a den of evil." nodded Sasuke.

"Well our co-workers are somewhere in this den of evil and we need to find them quickly." Ino said. "So where should we start?"

"In the basement and work our way up methodically?" suggested Shikamaru. Kakashi shook his head.

"No, that makes too much sense."

"Splitting up into teams and then scouring the building Mission Impossible style?" Chouji put forward.

"Still too sensible."

"Ooh! I got it, rampaging through the building with reckless abandon, destroying everything and everyone in our path just for the hell of it until we find our missing comrades!" Lee said excitedly.

"Now you're thinking with portals! (3)"

"No he's not!" Sakura protested. She was widely ignored.

"Onward!" cheered Kakashi.

We return to our Deliverator friends who have left Kimimaro's office in search of Shino.

"I can't believe he took our wallets." grumbled Naruto.

"I can't believe you _don't_ believe it (4)." Kiba quipped.

"Your mom."

"Why you..."

"Um, guys, we should really try to be more quiet. No one knows we escaped yet so we might be able to get out of here without being noticed." Hinata decided to intervene before things got out of hand.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! An explosion rocked the building, causing the doors in the corridor they were currently standing in to fly open as Oto Ninja Burger employees rushed out of the various office spaces to find out what was up.

"The prisoner's are escaping!" someone yelled after a beat.

"So much for that." Hinata sighed, as she and her companions prepared to fight.

_This story may or may not be continued..._

* * *

_A couple__ of rock songs in this chapter...heheh. Anyway, I'm going to be on vacation in Panama next week, who knows what kind of weird ideas for fanfiction I'll get while I'm there... _

1) Percussive Reset: (i) hitting a machine until it starts working again. (ii) hitting a person upside the head with a blunt object until they start making sense / stop their hysterics/ stop stuttering / are unconscious (pick any two).

2) Those of you who thought I _wouldn't_reference Real Ultimate Power again are not only wrong but have just lost The Game.

3) As much as I loved Portal I was unable to finish it because (after getting as far as Test Chamber 15) I got incredibly horrible simulation sickness after playing for only ten minutes. No matter what I tried I couldn't last any longer than that so I unfortunately had to stop playing. And I was having so much fun...I ended up pathetically watching videos of other people playing instead.

4) Har! Stealth pun!


	44. Scroll Fifteen: Part Two

Me? A pervert? Whatever gave you that idea? [hastily stuffs her Happy Hentai Club membership card into her underwear drawer] Nope. No pervert here. Stop looking at me like that! Go read the fanfic!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fifteen, Part Two: The Author's Still Got Nothin'  
By Kaori

Standing back to back to back in a traingle formation; Naruto, Hinata, and Kiba faced off against the group of enemy ninja surrounding them.

"Can you do that thing you did in the office again?" Kiba hissed to Naruto. The blonde shook his head.

"I don't even know _what_ I did." he hissed back.

"So we're screwed?"

"Looks like it."

"Fuuuuu..." the expletive was cut off by the wall at Kiba's right exploding.

"YOSH! THE POWER OF YOUTH PREVAILS! I FOUND YOU FIRST MY COMRADES!"

"LEE!" chorused Naruto and Kiba.

"YES! IT IS I, ROCK LEE!" Lee went through a series of poses ending and then proceeded to Rider Kick everyone in the hallway.

"WHAT THE FUCK LEE!" Kiba and Naruto screamed in unison, jumping up from where they had been kicked into the wall to throttle their rescuer.

"Ah! Sorry! Sorry! I got carried away!" Lee apologized, bowing profusely. A sudden ominous feeling descended on those still conscious.

"Leeeeeee..." The three young men fearfully looked behind them to see a very ticked Hyuuga Neji cradling his poor, unconscious cousin. Kiba and Naruto frantically scrambled out of the way.

"Ah! Neji! I didn't mean to...GWAAAAGH!" Lee was Rider Kicked (1) into a nearby wall, much to the shock of the others.

"I have avenged you, Hinata." Neji stated. "As for you two, have you seen Shino? He _was_ with you, right because I am not going to go on another ridiculous quest just to find him. I've had quite enough shenanigans for one night and my shift starts in three hours."

"We were looking for him ourselves. He was captured with us, but he escaped and left us to be tortured that bastard." growled Kiba.

"There's no need for name calling." a quiet voice said from behind them, causing them all to jump in surprise. It was Shino.

"Where the fuck have you been? Do you have any idea the kind of shit we've been through while you've been playing around?"

"Never mind about that now." Neji said, as he kicked Lee back to consciousness. "We need to get out of here so none of us face disciplinary action."

"No, we can't!" Naruto interjected and explained the current situation to Neji.

To say the other Konoha ninja were incensed at the news would be like saying Antarctica is a little nippy; a severe understatement. Shino reported that he'd been able to contact the franchise but it would be half an hour before anyone would be able to come assist them.

"We'll have to take care of this ourselves." Kakashi sighed. "Our best chance is to utterly destroy this place. Thankfully we already have a head start!" he shot a meaningful glance at Sakura.

"I hate you Kakashi-sachou..." she groused.

Meanwhile, in the bowels of Oto Franchise Orochimaru was fuming. His brilliant plan was falling apart around him and he had no one but himself to blame. Well, he supposed he _could_ throw all the blame on the Third Franchise Manager since if he hadn't picked Namikaze Minato to succeed him he'd never have bothered trying a hostile takeover to begin with. Yes, that's what he would do, he would lay all the blame at the feet of his former manager. Now that he had that out of the way he could focus on rescuing his magnificent scheme from the fiasco it was becoming. The first order of business: kill those annoying Konoha infiltrators.

Completely oblivious to the Oto Franchise Manager's murderous intent, our heroes continued to decimate everything they came across as they rampaged through the building. They lay waste to the kitchen, destroyed the dispatch area, and defaced the full-length portrait of Orochimaru hanging in the foyer. For the heck of it they made prank phone calls to the overseas branches of Samurai Pizza. Because they were _really_ feeling their oats they prank called Kakashi's landlord. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end...

They'd rounded a corner as a rowdy band, fully intending to utterly decimate the next room they entered when they were confronted by an extremely angry Orochimaru, an amused-looking Kabuto, Kimimaro, and the four teenagers that from earlier.

"_You_..." seethed Orochimaru. "You will _not_ leave here alive! MINIONS! SEAL THIS CORRIDOR!"

Kidoumaru and Jiroubo leapt over the Konoha ninja to stand at the far end of the corridor behind while Tayuya and Sakon moved further back behind Orochimaru to stand at the other.

"SECRET ART: NO EAT AND RUN SEAL!" chorused the four. Two massive walls sprang up in front of the teenagers effectively blocking off the corridor at both ends, leaving the Konoha ninja at the mercy of Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kimimaro.

"Ha! It's three versus thirteen!" boasted Kiba. "This fight is as good as ours." Sasuke gave an annoyed sigh. "What? Don't tell me you're scared?"

"You idiot. If we all fight in this tight space, Conservation of Ninjitsu (2) aside, we'd just get in each other's way. Not to mention if we're all in here that means there's no on e left to put an end to his hostile takeover." Shikamaru decided to explain.

"Then what are we supposed to do?"

"DIE!" roared Orochimaru as he and his two minions rushed forward.

* * *

_Yeah, that's right. It's a cliffhanger!_ _Don't worry, it'll return you to the action in a couple of weeks. MWUAHAHAHAHA!_

1) Since Maito Gai is the kind of person that kicks people in greeting, I felt that he would naturally know how to do the Rider Kick and would teach it to his students.

2) Look it up on TV Tropes and be warned that the web site will ruin your life, it even has a page dedicated to all the lives it has already ruined.


	45. Scroll Fifteen: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Fifteen, Part Three: No Running in the Halls  
By Kaori

With no other recourse, the Konoha crew immediately flattened themselves against the walls causing Orochimaru to shoot passed them and go barrelling into the barrier at the end. This only allowed Kimimaro to scrape everyone that didn't have the sense to duck or put their guard up as he ran down the corridor wielding a gigantic pair of ice picks. They had no time to relax as their attackers turned around for another pass. With very little space to manoeuvre in they had little success avoiding the strikes, and worse yet Kabuto joined in the fray so now the terrible trio were making coordinated attacks on our heroes.

"What do we do!" wailed Ino. "We can't keep taking attacks like this!"

"But if we move from our positions we leave ourselves open to more attacks. The corridor's too narrow for us to fight in!" TenTen pointed out, taking a pot shot at Kabuto's legs and only managing to graze his calf.

"So we just have to get out of the hallway." Sasuke stated. "Sakura do you still have that fan?"

"Yeah, but what good will that...Oh!"

"Exactly. Get ready to use it when they pass us again."

"Oh crap..." Naruto mumbled, flattening himself against the wall as best he could.

"Care to fill the rest of us in?" Neji asked.

"No time for that, just brace yourself and hold your breath."Sasuke said hurriedly. Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kimimaro came in for another pass. "NOW SAKURA!"

Sakura waved the fan as hard as she could creating an almost instantaneous hurricane. The force of the vacuum sucked up most of the air out of the space, picked up everyone and threw them violently into the walls creating numerous body-sized holes. Coincidently, those holes had severely compromised the structural integrity of the load-bearing walls of the corridor they were standing in. With no real structural support, the ceiling (along with the six floors above it) began to collapse around them.

"UCHIHA SASUKE YOU LUNATIC!" screamed Neji as everything came crashing down around them.

"NO! MY PLAN! MY BEAUTIFUL FLAWLESS PLAN!" wailed Orochimaru before the building literally fell on them.

By all rights they should all be singing with the choir invisible right now. To their immense shock they all woke up in the intensive care ward of Konoha Ninja Burger Franchise's D.E.A.T.H.S unit.

"Well now, you are all very lucky to be alive." a female voice drawled from the doorway. Those who were able turned their heads in its direction to regard the blonde female doctor standing in the room's entrance. "Most of you had every major bone in your body broken and some of you needed organ replacements. Luckily there were plenty of salvageable organs to harvest from the people who weren't as fortunate as you."

"What about Orochimaru?" Kakashi asked.

"Unfortunately that bastard got away." the doctor frowned. "That guy is as sneaky as a snake. I don't know how he managed to get out of that mess alive. Well, thanks to me and my team you lot should be able to go back to work in three days. Well, all of you except Naruto over there. He's well enough to go back to work tomorrow."

"EEEEEEEHHHHH?" chorused everyone except Naruto and the doctor.

"Hey! Keep it down this is a hospital. There are sick people trying to rest here!" A nurse poked her head into the room.

"Tsunade-sensei, Uchiha Sasuke's family is in the waiting room. They wish to know whether he is on life support so they can take him off of it." The invalids shot Sasuke looks ranging from confusion to shock. Tsunade groaned.

"Seriously, what is wrong with that family? Not a single one of them is remotely right in the head...No, I take that back. Obita-kun was sane, too bad he was perpetually late to everything and had to commit seppuku." she gave another exasperated sigh. "I'll be right there." The nurse nodded and left as Tsunade turned her attention back to her patients. "All right you guys, get some rest. Naruto, remember you'll be discharged in the morning and are to report directly to work. Oh, and congratulations to all of you on stopping the hostile takeover by yourselves." And with that she left.

"Sasuke what the hell is up with your parents?" Kiba blurted out.

"Kiba!" gasped the girls, appalled that he would just up and blurt that out. Sasuke gave an annoyed grunt, and then moaned in pain as the action aggravated his broken ribs.

"None of your business fleabag." he wheezed.

"Do they try to murder you often?" Neji inquired. While his uncle Hiashi consistently threatened him with bodily harm should anything happen to Hinata while in his company, the man had never actually tried to murder him. Then again he'd never given him a reason to try. Until now. "Shit..."

"Neji?" TenTen asked worriedly. Neji rarely used expletives so whatever was bothering him must have been important.

"Hinata's dad is going to kill me."

"Why?"

"Are you kidding? His eldest daughter is in the hospital because I didn't notice her wandering off after Naruto!"

"In that case shouldn't he kill Naruto?" Lee asked. Neji actually had to stop and think about that.

"HEY! Don't try to put all the blame on me!" Naruto protested.

"Neji's uncle aside," Ino said slowly. "aren't we forgetting something important."

"Sasuke's parents are trying to kill him?" yawned Chouji, the morphine drip was making it difficult for him to stay awake.

"No! Shino still hasn't given us back our money!"

"My money now." Shino deadpanned. Beadpans were thrown by those who were able.

* * *

_Well, it looks like Naruto will be on his own until everyone else gets out of the hospital. What crazy misadventures will he get into? Yeah, I know this chapter's short (and a cop-out) but this was the only way I could think of to write myself out of the corner I'd written myself into. If you want to re-write this chapter for me I'd be more than happy to let you.  
_


	46. Scroll Sixteen: Part One

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Sixteen, Part One: The Juhakkei Master  
By Kaori

Seeing as how the rest of his team were in the hospital, and seeing that there was no way they were going to allow the boy to be left to his own devices for three days so the Third Franchise Manager thought it would be best if the boy got some experience additional training.

All fresh Ninja Burger employees know the newbie juhakkei commonly referred to as Miyagi-do, and a few have the basics of five of the twenty juhakkei (usually taijutsu, shuriken techniques, infiltration, disguise, and fast food). Employees from long-standing Ninja Burger families would be privy to additional techniques; Aburame Shino for example is exceedingly well-trained in the art of choho (1). It is exceedingly rare for anyone to be master of all twenty, and those individuals usually go on to become franchise manager.

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Franchise Manager of Konoha Ninja Burger wanted to go back to retirement very badly, and currently the candidates he had in mind to succeed him consisted of a masochistic doctor, a traitor, and a lecher. If he ever wanted to retire without fear of his entire franchise collapsing, he needed to groom someone into the position. His only hope for a peaceful retirement, and the only person who showed any remote interest in the job besides Orochimaru, is Uzumaki Naruto.

Said boy was lounging in his deep fat fryer cum hot tub eating cookies and watching World's Dumbest Daredevils 3 when a large, white-haired man suddenly popped out of the ceiling tiles, scaring the bejeezus out of him.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" he shrieked, immediately tossing his cookies at the intruder's head. The intruder, not phased in the slightest, caught the bag and proceeded to eat a few; while remaining upside-down.

"Wow, if I had known being franchise property had such cushy perks I would've sold myself a long time ago. Nice hot tub."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE ANYWAY? WHO ARE YOU? GIVE ME BACK MY COOKIES!"

"Sheesh, settle down I'm not your enemy." placated the older man, finally getting down from the ceiling. "I'll answer your questions once you put some clothes on."

Once Naruto had dressed, and his uninvited guest had given him back his cookies, the two went up to the employee lounge where it was a bit more comfortable.

"To begin, my name is Jiraiya." explained the man. "The franchise manager asked me to give you some special training while the rest of your team is in the hospital."

"Oh really?" Naruto retorted, incredulously. "Just what are you supposed to be teaching me, how to break into people's homes and perv on them?"

"If you want" was the flippant response. Naruto gaped at him. "What? Spying on people is an essential part of being a ninja. How else are you supposed to carry out a high-level assassination if you aren't familiar with every minute detail of your target's personal life?"

"We actually assassinate high-level people? I thought we only offed losers with no lives!"

"Well, usually the contracts are for losers with no lives but every once in a while a high profile client may request a ninja burger and an assassination because they don't want their government involved." Jiraiya rubbed his chin.

"And you'll teach me how to carry one out?"

"Don't be absurd, that's way too advanced for you at this time!" Jiraiya snapped at him. "No. What I _am_ going to teach you is..."

* * *

_...something that will have to wait until the next chapter. Patience is a virtue._

1) Espionage.


	47. Scroll Sixteen: Part Two

AN: For those of you who have noticed my update pattern and are scratching your heads in confusion, I haven't stopped writing Killing Time I just had more inspiration for this story.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Sixteen, Part Two: Just When You Thought it Was Safe to go Back in the Water  
By Kaori

The look on Naruto's face when he learned just what the older man had in mind for his training is best described by the following scenario:

Do you remember when, as a child, your parents told you that for summer vacation you had to go stay at your grandma's house instead of going with them on a trip to some (undoubtedly awesome) location? Even if you don't remember just imagine that you're eight years old and your parents just told you that.

Yeah, that's the face Naruto made.

Anyway, considering that you can't very well teach somebody to swim without water Jiraiya dragged the still pouting Naruto to the beach.

"Why can't we just use the pool on Level Seven?" Naruto asked.

"First of all, you're not supposed to know about that until you become a shift manager. Secondly I'm not allowed down there anymore when any of the female employees are present and they've booked the pool for the rest of the month." groused Jiraiya. "Aren't you embarrassed having me dragging you around like a sack of potatoes?"

"Nope, because to anyone else this looks like you committing child abuse. And if you think this is embarrassing now just wait until I start screaming about you being a paedophile trying to kidnap me."

"You wouldn't dare."

Six hours later...

"I can't believe you fucking did that!" growled Jiraiya.

"Careful, the police can still see you." Naruto commented dryly. "Actually, I'm kinda shocked about how unsurprised they were when they arrested you? How often do you get locked up for sexual harrassment?"

"None of your business you manipulative little sonnovabitch. No wonder Sarutobi wants me to train you. Making you Franchise Manager would really piss that guy off..."

"What guy?"

"No one you've met. Anyway, the sun's almost completely set so I guess..."

"...we can forget about the swimming lessons for today?" Naruto suggested.

"No. You're going to have to learn how to swim in the dark."

"Wanna go for two arrests in one day?"

As an answer, Jiraiya knocked the boy unconscious, stuffed him into a Type III Bag of Holding (1).

The sun had completely set and the moon was half-risen when they arrived at Jaws Beach (2). Jiraiya dumped Naruto out onto the sand; the boy coughed and spluttered disgustedly.

"Why the hell do you have a pile of used women's underwear ?" he demanded, disgusted. Jiraiya gave him a negligent wave.

"You're too young to understand. Now shut up and strip."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Alright, but don't blame me when you catch cold from wearing wet clothes on the way home." shrugged the white-haired man. Naruto grumbled uncomplimentary things about Jiraiya's ancestors as he stripped down to his underwear.

"Now what?" groused the blonde.

"Now you try not to die." And without any further warning, Jiraiya picked Naruto up by his neck and the hem of his underpants, and tossed him out into the ocean. The poor Deliverator skipped four times before finally sinking into the water. "Damn, I was hoping I'd get at _least_ six good bounces..."

Naruto, for his part, was livid. How dare that dirty old man toss him like yesterday's trash! He flailed about uselessly as he struggled to reach the surface of the water.

Daah dum.

He blinked, startled. Why was he hearing music?

Daah dum.

There it was again. He looked around but he couldn't see anything except a school of fish leaving the immediate area in a hurry.

Daah dum, daaah dun. Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun...

Was it just him or was the music getting louder? Suddenly, something forcefully grabbed his leg and he passed out from terror. (3)

Naruto woke up about twenty minutes later, flat on his back, staring at the starry sky.

"Ah, Jiraiya-san he's awake." a voice Naruto thought he recognized stated. He sat up slowly to see Jiraiya, Itachi, and a blue-haired guy he didn't know sitting across from him roasting hot dogs. "Hello again Naruto-kun. Care for a weenie?"

Now, to be honest, he could have started ranting. He could have screamed about how he could have died. Instead he chose to sit next to the blue-haired guy and enjoy the free food.

"Oh, sorry for grabbing your leg like that." said man apologized, causing Naruto to notice just how sharp his teeth are. "I really ought to wear my prescription goggles when I'm diving, everything looks like a fish without them."

"You should also stop playing that stupid theme song, Kisame." Itachi added. Naruto almost choked on his hot dog at that.

"I keep telling you I don't do it on purpose! It just happens whenever I get in the water!"

* * *

_Shame on you guys for thinking this was going to be something pervy! Shame!__ Happy Pre-Shark Week everybody!_

1) For those of you who have never played a D & D based game, a Bag of Holding is (in anime terms) a portable hammer space capable of holding objects bigger than it is. The bag will always weigh the same regardless of what is to put into it, but there are limits as to the cumulative weight and volume of the objects put into it. Any living thing put into the bag will suffocate after ten minutes. Also, never combine a Bag of Holding with a Portable Hole; that's just asking for trouble.

2) Fun fact: Many of the beach scenes filmed for the movie Jaws: The Revenge (one of the worst movies ever) were shot in The Bahamas at a beach not too far from the house I grew up in (and by not to far I mean it would take less than an hour to get there on a bicycle). If you go there now you can still see parts of the lifeguard tower.

3) There was going to be another one of my evil cliffhangers here but you guys are already ready to lynch me as it is.


	48. Scroll Sixteen: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Sixteen, Part Three: No Running in the Pool Area  
By Kaori

After Naruto had regained his wits from being shocked at what (or rather who) had scared the shit out of him, Jiraiya informed him that apparently the training centre at the administrative office was free.

"Itachi-kun was kind enough to give us this tip. We'll go there first thing in the morning." Jiraiya stated.

"It's already 3 a.m. Jiraiya-san." Itachi pointed out. Young Uzumaki was beginning to understand why Sasuke disliked his elder brother.

"So it is! Let's go Naruto!" The blonde's protests that he hadn't slept since the night before went completely ignored.

He was still complaining when they arrived at the pool area. Jiraiya rolled his eyes and hit him upside the head, which only served to give the blonde something new to complain about. Seeing that the boy was not about to cease his ranting, the older man picked him up by the hem of his boxer shorts and tossed him into the pool with a loud splash. Several seconds later, Naruto's head broke the surface of the water spluttering and enraged.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT IF I HAD DIED?" Somewhere across town, a dark-haired teacher wearing a hakama, kimono, and glasses(1), sneezed.

"But you aren't dead." Jiraiya pointed out placidly. "And look, you're treading water." He smiled at the surprised look on the blonde's face. "Now try and get your body horizontal while keeping your head above water...Good. Now kick your legs and move your arms like this."

After a few false starts Naruto was happily doing the breast stroke around the pool. When the boy had made ten circuits, Jiraiya decided it was time to up the ante. Ambling nonchalantly over to a panel near the door towards the shower area, he discreetly pressed a few buttons.

Oblivious to his teacher's deeds, Naruto was attempting to dive to the bottom of the pool, which was approximately fifty feet down. Idly he wondered why it needed to be so deep, when he felt something brush past him. Startled, he turned around but saw nothing. Something bumped against his left leg and again he turned to look, but once again it was gone.

Starting to get annoyed, Naruto surfaced taking a deep gasp of air before yelling, "HEY! ERO-SENNIN! I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE POOAAAAAAAAGGGBLL!" He didn't get to finish his sentence as he was yanked underwater by something large and tentacled. Jiraiya simply made himself comfortable at the edge of the pool not worried in the slightest, merely bemoaning the fact that Naruto was not a nubile teenage girl in a bikini.

What Naruto could not have known (and what Jiraiya had no intention of telling him) is that the pool had been re-assigned as a holding area for the main ingredient of a menu item they were planning to introduce: kraken balls (2). As it was, our blonde hero now had to contend with the ridiculously oversized and severely undercooked calamari that currently had him wrapped in its tentacles.

His arms pinned, his breath running out and fear welling up inside him like a geyser there was only one thing he could do.

Naruto flipped out hardcore.

_/WARNING_:We have overshot the Real Ultimate Power Zone and are now at the precipice of the Godzilla Threshold. Should we cross the threshold please be advised that summoning any and all Elder Gods up to and including Him Who Is Not to be Named will be overlooked./

When the floor started to rumble Jiraiya should have been a bit more concerned. As it was, he wrote it off as an earthquake. However, when the pool literally erupted in steam and a shower of cement he had sense enough to be shocked. Only then did he hear the music...

_TROGDOOOOOOOOOR! TROGDOOOOOOOOOOOR!_

Said beast flew up from the steam, Naruto riding on its back with a half-naked woman clinging to his side. Distracted by the sexy sight, Jiraiya was not paying proper attention when Trogdor began to burninate the entire facility for the next minute and thirty seconds.

_AND THE TROGDOR COMES IN THE NIIIIIIGHT!_(3)

/We are now pulling back from the Godzilla Threshold. Crisis averted. You may continue to read safely./

And just like that it was over. Somehow, the only thing that _didn't_ survive the mini-apocalypse was the giant octopus.

"Hey, what happened to the building?" blinked Naruto, genuinely confused. Jiraiya, still in shock, just stood there staring at him mouth agape. "Pervert-sensei?" he poked the white-haired lecher tentatively. No reaction. "Dirty old man?" he punched him in the arm. Still no response. "Snap out of it you're freaking me out!" Naruto yelled, drop-kicking Jiraiya into the rubble. That seemed to do the trick.

"OW! What was that for?" Jiraiya complained.

"Quit staring at me you old pervert!"

"Why the hell would I stare at..." he suddenly remembered what he had just witnessed. "Never mind that! How the fuck did you _do_ that!"

"All these years employed with the franchise and you can't do a simple drop kick?"

"Not _that_ you imbecile!" he gestured wildly to the destruction they were standing in. "_This_!" Naruto's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

" You mean _I_ did this?" Naruto squeaked.

* * *

1) Zetsubou-sensei!

2) Say it a couple of times out loud. Go on. Louder. Ow! No fair hitting me!

3) Homestar Runner reference.


	49. Scroll Seventeen: Part One

Reiteration of Previous Warnings in Case Some of You Forgot: Alternate universe, anachronisms galore, no bijuu, Naruto's the Fourth's nephew, the Akatsuki work in Ninja Resources, Tobi and Madara are different people, loads of cameos, and lots of fast food.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Seventeen, Part One: Willing Suspension of Disbelief  
By Kaori

"Let me get this straight." Jiraiya said patiently. "Every time you find yourself in a dire situation you black out, and when you regain consciousness everything that was causing you distress is either dead or wrecked?"

"And there's always a woman or a bunch of women in various states of undress." Naruto added. "My friends always ask me about it afterward but I don't remember a damn thing."

"Kid, I've seen many a ninja flip out in my day but you're on a whole other level. I mean, _nobody_ just _summons_ the frickin' _Trogdorr_ out of nowhere! The damn thing just shows up to burninate the people and their thatch-roofed cottages!"

"Don't look at me! I don't even remember doing any of it!"

Jiraiya just shook his head in exasperation. Honestly he had no idea where to go from here and the revelation that the boy he had been training could quite possibly level the city if he were to freak out too badly was very disturbing. "Are there any other weird things about you I should know?" he asked wryly.

"Well, there's that stupid tattoo on my ass and the weird one on my thigh." Naruto half-mumbled.

Being fully aware of the "Property of Ninja Burger" tattoo on the boy's rear end, Jiraiya instead asked to see the one on his leg. Annoyed, Naruto turned to the side and pointed to his upper thigh and Jiraiya was forced to kneel to get a proper look at it.

It wasn't so much a tattoo as a strange-looking scar, but it was most definitely some sort of text. He even recognized the handwriting style and had to shake his head in amusement; his former protégé's scrawl was still distinctive even stretched out on his nephew's flesh. As for what the writing actually said he could only guess at; it had stretched and warped as Naruto had grown.

"Well that was a waste of time." shrugged the older man.

"Can we _go_ now? I'm getting cold standing around in my boxer shorts." the blonde complained. Jiraiya muttered something about brats these days lacking respect before agreeing to go back to headquarters.

Bright and early the next morning, Naruto awoke. He stretched, yawned, and hopped out of his bed onto the floor.

Or at least that's what would have happened if Naruto's bed had actually been in his room and not drifting in the middle of the ocean. He blinked once, twice, and then started screaming.

"Hey, it's too early in the morning for that kind of nonsense." a familiar voice said. It was Jiraiya in a rowboat.

"_You_..."growled Naruto, pointing menacingly.

"Yeah, that's intimidating. Really."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I said I'd teach you how to swim and that's what I intend to do."

"But I _learned_ how to swim!"

"I won't be satisfied until you can swim to shore." Jiraiya pointed to the west. When Naruto looked he could just barely make out the silhouette of the pier on the horizon.

"Agh! You're insane!" Naruto groaned.

"Don't give me that. I own you until your team gets out of the hospital."

"Don't they get out this afternoon?"

"...Just get in the water."

Seeing that he was sitting on his bed, miles from shore with no food or water with an old man in a rowboat determined to make him swim for company Naruto had only one choice left to him: Rip up his sheet and signal a passing ship.

Of course Jiraiya wasn't going to just sit there and let him do that, so he rowed the boy closer with intent to toss him into the drink. This was Naruto's true goal all along as when the older male made to grab for the partially ripped sheet he grabbed the man's hand, pulled him partially onto his floating bed, and then used him as a gangplank to steal the rowboat.

"Later old man!" cackled the blonde, rowing furiously away from the bed and towards the shore. He didn't get far. "What the fuck! Since when can you walk on water? Are you frickin' Jesus?"

"I'll have you know that this is a very advanced skill used by high level deliverators to avoid getting deliveries wet" Jiraiya proclaimed haughtily. "It also saves money on transportation costs. Now get out of that rowboat!"

"NEVER!"

Meanwhile, at D.E.A.T.H.S, Naruto's co-workers and supervisor were counting down the hours until they would be released from the hospital. Some with more enthusiasm than others.

"I wonder how many times my parents will attempt to murder me when I get home." Sasuke groused.

"I'm still having a hard time believing that your parents _literally_ try to kill you." said Kiba. "I mean, my mom's a bitch but she's never actually tried to murder me. Threatened sure, but never followed through on it."

"Oh it's true." Sakura said. "Sasuke's dad has attempted to murder him every day since Itachi was hired."

"Even _Christmas?" _ Lee exclaimed.

"_Especially_ Christmas." growled Sasuke. "He keeps saying that my death would be the greatest gift to the family. I've taken to hiding out at Uncle Madara's place every year. Putting up with cousin Tobi is far less stressful than dealing with the assassination attempts."

"This wouldn't happen to be the same Tobi working in the Ninja Resources Department with your brother would it?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"You can put up with _him_?" the silver-haired man quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, it's only for a few hours. I am perfectly aware that he's batshit crazy but at least he's never tried to kill me."

And now back to our regularly scheduled chase scene already in progress...

"GODDAMMIT!" screamed Naruto, as Jiraiya defied the normal laws of physics to chase him across the water on foot. "Just leave me alone!"

"Get out of the boat and swim, and I'll stop chasing you."

"Fuck you old man! The whole point of me stealing this boat was to _not_ swim to shore." Naruto stated. He looked over his shoulder to see he still had a long way to go. Desperate to at least get Jiraiya off his back for even a few seconds, our blonde hero decided to use the oldest trick in the book. "WOAH! Is that the Playboy yacht party over there?"

"WHERE?" the white haired man stopped running to look about wildly for the pornographic party boat. Unfortunately for him, once he stopped abusing the Rule of Funny the Laws of Physics kicked in and he sank under the water, his head reappearing a half second later. "DAMN YOU NARUTOOOO!" he screamed after the fiercely rowing young man.

Naruto ignored the ineffectual curses Jiraiya yelled in his wake as he continued to make his way back to land. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his little room hidden within the franchise walls, make some ramen, kick back in his hot tub, and forget this whole day ever happened. Then, we had given himself a sufficient amount of selective amnesia he was going to have a long talk with the Third Franchise Manager. Too much weird shit keeps happening to him and he got the feeling that the old man knew more about it than anybody.

But first he needed to make it back to shore.


	50. Scroll Seventeen: Part Two

It's my birthday, and I'll make you laugh if I want to.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Seventeen, Part Two: Stroke! I Think I'm Having One (and other rowing puns *blatant lie*)  
By Kaori

Arms burning, back strained, pain shooting through his legs Naruto continued to row the little dinghy towards the shore Jiraiya still chasing after him all the more annoyed from his impromptu dip into the ocean. He'd tried to distract his pursuer with another porn ploy but it was unsuccessful.

"Give it up boy, you don't have the stamina!" Jiraiya yelled at him. Naruto refrained from yelling back, needing to save his breath for rowing. Idly he began to wonder if he should go for the world record for longest boat chase(1) but that ambition would be reduced to a dream when the rowboat hit the reef. The impact jarred him so badly he ended up sailing over the remains of the boat. By all rights he should have landed in the water, however fate decided to intervene and instead he landed on a coast guard boat.

"Hey! Where did you come from kid?" one of the crewmen demanded; his jacket had "Ivers" sewn on the front.

Naruto, thinking quickly, came up with the only "reasonable" excuse he could think of for this particular set of circumstances. "HELP ME!" he cried. "That dirty old ninja over there tried to shanghai me and force me to make adult films!" Another crewman, reading his jacket identified him as Wilson, squinted as he looked over at the white-haired man swimming furiously towards the rescue vessel.

"Isn't that the guy your cousin picked up yesterday for attempted kidnapping?" he asked.

"Ready the guns." said Ivers.

RATTATATTATTATTATTATTA. Shell casings from the Gatling gun rained down around Naruto as he watched the coast guard shoot the whole nine yards at Jiraiya.

"Oh look, the kid's crying." Brown, another crewman, commented. "That guy must have _really_ been torturing the poor kid."

"Let's torpedo the bastard to be sure." grunted Ivers. Naruto continued to weep tears of joy.

Since we kind of blew the special effects budget in the last scroll (*cough* blatant lies *cough* lazy author *cough cough*), we'd like you to instead watch as Sasuke's parents attempt to murder him in the hospital parking lot.

"SECURITY!" screamed a nurse standing in the entryway, watching helplessly as Fugaku Uchiha attempted to murder his youngest son.

"DON'T INTEFERE WOMAN!" the Uchiha patriarch yelled. "Get back here, damn you!" he growled after the fleeing boy, who was doing remarkably well despite being in a wheelchair (2).

The other Konoha Ninja Burger employees could only watch in shock and disbelief as a father chased his own son around with a spear, fully intending to commit filicide(3). They really didn't know what to do or even if they could intervene. Thankfully the decision was taken out of their hands when Fugaku was unexpectedly glomped from behind by a teenager in an orange mask, knocking him over and onto the pavement.

"No! Bad Uncle Fugaku! Cousin Sasuke is a good boy! You shouldn't kill him!" he cried.

"TOBI! GET OFF ME YOU FOOL!" screamed Fugaku as he tried to get the young man off of him but only ended up wrestling with him in the parking lot. The way Tobi was grabbing the older man and squirming made the scene look decidedly like something else.

Lee pointed in their general direction. "Doesn't that look like they're..."

"Shuuuut it." snapped Ino, Sakura, and TenTen; the girls were trying very hard not to look at the scene, especially once the clothes started coming off.

Back to Naruto who had just been dropped off at the dock by the coast guard and was now giving them coupons for one free sumo-sizing (when you order a value meal or sandwich). "Thanks a bunch guys, I appreciate it!" he said cheerfully.

"Our pleasure little man." grinned Brown. Naruto spared the coast guard one last wave before disappearing in a whirl of used ketchup packets.

Our blonde hero sprinted across rooftops, making a mad dash towards his home at the franchise in hopes of making it to his shift on time. During his sprint he managed to disturb several groups of delinquents hanging out on their school's rooftop, kick Spiderman in the ass (complete accident), almost got hit by a helicopter being flown/being crashed by Launchpad McQuack, and narrowly escaped being drafted into Le Parkour Resistance (4). He managed to make it to the franchise with a ten minutes to spare.

"Ah, there you are." The Third Franchise Manager stated, as Naruto panted in the employee lounge. "How did your training go?" Naruto wheezed. "Good, good. I am certain you shall find your new skill useful as I have decided that your team is qualified to start taking deliveries to private islands. Do well and at those and you may receive a pay raise." Naruto gave a weak gurgle. "Since your team is just getting out of hospital today, I thought it would be best if you do counter duty today; this will let the counter guys get an opportunity to keep their delivery skills sharp. It is always good to rotate employees every once in a while so no one gets rusty, don't you agree?" Naruto coughed weakly, Sarutobi simply took that as agreement. "Well, I must be going. I shall be in my office if you need me." And with that he left Naruto still trying to catch his breath.

* * *

1) The longest boat chase on record is three weeks and it involved a fishing boat.

2) Don't get the wrong idea. I know some wheelchair-bound people who can haul some serious ass. Sasuke, on the other hand, has only been in a wheelchair for less than ten minutes and isn't used to getting around that way. Mad wheelchair skillz take time to develop.

3) Filicide means killing your own offspring.

4) Doesn't exist but if it did it would be like the French Foreign Legion for Tracuers.


	51. Scroll Seventeen: Part Three

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Seventeen, Part Three: Day on the Front Line  
By Kaori

"Now that Naruto's rejoined us in the waking world..."

"Fuck you sachou."

"...we can assume our duties in the restaurant proper. Before we go, are there any questions?"

"Why the hell are we hiding behind the counter?"

"Tut-tut Sasuke, even though we are providing service to our customers within a restaurant setting, that is no reason for us to be seen before someone approaches."

"Fine but if Sakura doesn't stop grabbing my ass I'm filing a formal complaint of sexual harassment."

As you have no doubt guessed from the preceding dialogue, Kakashi , Sasuke, and Sakura managed to make it back to the franchise without incident and they along with Naruto are concealed behind the counter preparing to deliver fast, efficient service to the dine-in customers. For reasons that I will not explain, Naruto is not happy. Sasuke is also unhappy but that isn't anything new.

"Umm? Hello? Is anyone here?" a tentative, and decidedly whiny voice inquired. "Whoah!" he exclaimed as Sakura suddenly appeared behind the register. Unbeknownst to him, she had only moved at a speed just above what the human eye is able to follow.

" Welcome to Konoha Ninja Burger, oh honourable customer. How may we serve you?" said Sakura in a pleasant tone as if she hadn't just appeared out of frickin' nowhere.

"Err... I'd like two samurai chicken sandwiches, an onion death blossom, and two large cola..um...please." said the customer.

"Is this dine-in or carry-out?"

"Ah...dine-in."

"Thank you. That will be $15.50. Please proceed to the pick-up area." Once the customer had moved to the area she designated, Sakura turned to her co-workers. "Is it just me or did that guy seem inordinately nervous?"

"It appears that this is his first time here." Kakashi replied, watching the guy from the security feed concealed behind the counter. "Customers who have been here a few times never act with such alarm."

"And about that, isn't anyone worried that a customer with a heart condition could be frightened into an untimely death?"

"Sakura, if you are silly enough to come into a ninja fast food establishment knowing you have a heart problem then you deserve to die of a non-food related heart attack."

"But what if they don't _know_ they have a heart problem?"

"Has anybody told you that you ask too many inconvenient questions?"

While this was going on, Sasuke was serving the next customer and trying very hard not to just kill the guy.

"Look I don't see what's so hard about this." huffed the annoying twenty-something. "I just want a fortune cookie with my food."

"As I keep explaining to you, I cannot give you what we do not serve." ground out Sasuke.

"But isn't this an Asian themed fast food joint? _Every_ Chinese restaurant I go to gives out fortune cookies." the customer continued to whine.

"And if this was a Chinese restaurant we would surely have them. As it is, we are not a Chinese restaurant therefore no fortune cookies."

"Chinese, Japanese what's the difference? You know what, I don't care anymore. Get your manager out here."

"As you wish." Sasuke said, as calmly as one can when they are ten seconds from stabbing someone in the neck. He settled for kicking Kakashi who popped up suddenly using the same manoeuvre Sakura had utilized earlier.

"What seems to be the problem?" Kakashi asked politely, with just a hint of steel in his tone.

"This dumbass," he jerked a thumb at Sasuke. "won't give me a fortune cookie."

"I see." hummed Kakashi. "And did he explain to you that this is a fast food restaurant run by ninja and not a fast food restaurant?"

"Yeah, he kept giving me that stupid excuse like three times."

"Well then, there is but one thing that can be done in this situation." Before the soon to be ex-customer could blink, Kakashi had him tied up like a steer at a rodeo. "Sasuke, please take this gentleman out back and give him his _fortune_."

"It would be a great honour." Sasuke said evilly, grabbing the end of the rope and heading for the back alley.

There was a brief lull, so to pass the time Kakashi read a Hustler, Naruto was attempting to read over his shoulder, Sakura kept trying to drag Sasuke into the employee lounge to rape him, and Sasuke was desperately trying to get her to stop without killing her (as he had not filled out Form 692-J: Request to Murder Co-worker to Preserve Sexual Purity, it was his only course of action). Once the customers started flowing in again, the quartet ceased their unprofessional activities and got right back to work.

Thankfully for the sanity of the city's sanitation workers, only two more bodies ended up in the dumpster at the end of the work period. The regular crew came back to relieve Team 7 from counter duty, however no one was in the mood to go home just yet. Sasuke was the first to broach the subject.

"I know I'm probably going to regret this later, but since it can't be any worse than going home can I hang out at your place Naruto?" he asked. Naruto blinked in confusion and shock.

For as long as he could remember, no one had ever asked to hang out with him at his home. Granted, most parents wouldn't let their children (ninja or no) hang out unsupervised in a restaurant, but since becoming employed (and reaching a pseudo-state of adulthood) there wasn't any real impediment to anyone asking to spend the night at his place. As it stood, Naruto wasn't sure how to react to such a request and Sakura interrupted before he would have had a chance to respond anyway.

"If Sasuke-kun is staying then I'll stay too!" she declared.

"Umm..." Naruto fidgeted. Kakashi cut him off before he could say anything.

"What a splendid idea! However, since it is rather unseemly for such young employees of mixed company to be rooming together unsupervised, I shall chaperone."

"Your landlord is still pissed at you, isn't he?" accused Sakura.

"Now wait just a damn minute!" Naruto protested, finally finding his voice. "Don't I get a say in this? It's my home after all!"

"Oh yes, I forgot we need the Franchise Manager's permission to stay on after hours. Overtime must be approved after all." shrugged Kakashi.

"How does spending the night in Naruto's room constitute overtime?" asked Sasuke.

"He's franchise property. Spending the night with him is the equivalent of staying to guard the safe."

"Sweet, I won't have to deal with my parents _and_ get paid too."

"You jackasses have to get permission first." Naruto groused.

Getting the Third Franchise Manager's permission to stay the night was actually easier than they'd thought. To Naruto's surprise there was a contingent of ninja assigned to guarding the area around his hidden apartment at night. Why he needed to be guarded was not explained and Sasuke and Sakura were too pleased at not having to go home that they didn't bother to ask about it. Naruto was too annoyed to brook the subject himself; however, realizing he now had houseguests he decided he may as well try and make the most of his situation.

* * *

_Next __scroll,__ Naruto __reluctantly __hosts __a __sleepover._


	52. Scroll Eighteen: Part One

Just sitting around waiting for my goose to finish cooking. It smells awesome!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eighteen, Part One: Fast Food Ninja Sleepover  
By Kaori

It wasn't until Naruto started grumbling about where the hell everybody was going to sleep that the others realized that they didn't have any clothes to sleep in. Luckily for them there were plenty of pajamas in the crash room (1).

"Why are these clothes so itchy?" Sakura complained once she'd gotten changed.

"It's to discourage people from taking up residence here. We can't have people that aren't company property living at the franchise after all." explained Kakashi. "Just be thankful that there was anything here to wear at all."

"Why is your cupboard full of ramen and Godiva chocolates?" Sasuke asked, dispassionately.

"Hey! Get out of there! Who said you could snoop in my kitchen?" glared Naruto.

"No way! Is that a hot tub?" gasped Sakura. "Oooh, Sasuke we can cuddle up together and those two can serve us drinks..."

"Maybe I should have gone home." muttered Sasuke, just low enough that no one else heard him.

"Naruto, there is a severe lack of porn in your room." Kakashi noted. Naruto, now ridiculously annoyed, punched him in the kidney.

"_I_ didn't invite you here you douche! You wanna watch porn go home!" yelled the blonde. He crossed his arms in annoyance. "You guys are guests in my house, try and act like it. I swear, your ancestors must be rolling in their graves at the disgrace." Sakura and Sasuke actually looked slightly ashamed of themselves, while Kakashi only seemed mildly sorry. "Since you're here and you have no intentions of leaving, I'll try and be a good host but you guys gotta behave yourselves too or so help me I'll make all of your lives hell."

Priority one for Naruto was making sure everyone's sleeping arrangements were decided upon. Sakura would be sleeping on his bed (although she insisted that he change the sheets first) and everyone else would be sleeping on the floor around it. Once everyone had settled into their spaces for the night, they went about the business of making and eating cheeseburgers.

"Ne, sachou." Sakura mumbled around a mouthful of cheeseburger. "What was your team like when you were a rookie Deliverator?"

"Well..." Kakashi hummed, absently. "when I look at you guys I'm reminded of them a little bit. Sakura reminds me of Rin with the same tendencies toward stalking and attempted rape; had I known she was going to grow up to be so damn hot I would have let her before she got over me. Naruto reminds me of Obito and his weirdness; a shame he had to commit seppuku, you guys would probably have liked him. Sasuke reminds me of me before I discovered the wonderful world of porn." Sasuke glared at him. "Oh don't give me that look, you too shall discover the power and majesty that is smut."

"I'd sooner kiss Naruto." glowered Sasuke.

"If that's what floats your boat. I'm not the type to judge." To his credit, Sasuke did not rise to the bait. "Anyway, my supervisor was the Fourth Franchise Manager. Great guy. Funny, smart, and a real ladies man; no pizza-toting samurai or pasta-slinging mafioso could ever hope to match his skills. If only he had learned not to drink so damn much he'd still be here with us."

"I heard he was assassinated for tattooing obscene things on his sister's kid." Sakura said.

"If you know what's good for you you'll forget you ever heard that." the supervisor admonished. "Not only is that only half correct but we don't talk about that incident because it brings shame on the franchise."

"The Third Franchise Manager says I can talk about it as much as I want." Naruto piped up proudly, then frowned. "But I don't really know any more than Sakura does so I don't bother."

"And that's another thing!" Sakura , determined to get herself in problems, exclaimed. "Why the hell is Naruto so special that he can just waltz into the Franchise Manager's office whenever the fuck he feels like and do whatever he wants?"

"Yours is not to question why, but to shut up and mind your own business. (2)" Kakashi wasn't about to tell her that the old man was grooming Naruto to be a replacement for the Fourth Franchise Manager in hopes that the boy would not only prove to be as brilliant at the job as his uncle (3), and using him as a tool to annoy those who have slighted him. "Enough about Naruto for now, how about we play a game?"

Once the inevitable suggestions of Spin the Bottle, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Truth or Dare, and other cliché slumber party games were out of the way, the quartet of ninja settled down for a game of Scrabble.

"For the last time Naruto, "burninate" is not a word." scowled Sakura.

"I believe my friend Trogdorr would disagree." the blonde countered placidly.

"Trogdorr is no one's friend Naruto." Kakashi pointed out. "And Sakura , if you don't want your house burned down I suggest you acknowledge the cromulent status of the word burninate (4)."

"You guys are just mad that I won the last seven games." Sakura muttered. "All right, so that's 11 points and the added double word score gives you 22. It's your turn Sasuke-kun."

"In that case I'm adding a "d" to burninate and making it burninated."

"You're so brilliant Sasuke-kun! That's 26 points!"

"I'm using the "e" in burninated to spell sex." Kakashi said. "That's 10 points."

"I'm adding a "y" to make it sexy. " she leered at Sasuke as she said "sexy"; he cringed.

"Can we play something else? I can already see where this is heading I don't like it." Naruto protested.

"Actually, it's getting pretty late and we do have to report in to work."

"Oh Sasuke-kuuuuuun, you can share the bed with meeeeee." crooned Sakura. The dark-haired deliverator didn't answer her, instead he flopped himself onto his bedroll on the floor and wrapped himself up in the blanket tight as a bale of hay.

* * *

_Believe it or not, I have no idea what happens next. I'll let you guys know once I've figured it out. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!_

1) A crash room is a small room (usually in a hospital or at an airport) that usually has two cots in it for people who are on the job long hours and are too sleepy to drive, or get ill at work and have to be put somewhere until somebody comes to get them.

2) If you want to live a long, relatively trouble free life it is best to that you learn to apply this philosophy when it comes to the antics of some of your more "interesting" relatives.

3) In case you've forgotten, in this universe Minato isn't Naruto's dad. I haven't decided whether or not Kushina is still his mother yet.

4) Some of you will get the joke, the rest of you are too young to remember 1996, weren't born yet, or just didn't watch The Simpsons.


	53. Scroll Eighteen: Part Two

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eighteen, Part Two: Wake Up, Scream, Go to Work  
By Kaori

"AAAAAH!" Sasuke's terrified shriek woke up everyone else. Apparently Sakura had somehow managed to get into Sasuke's sleeping bag (tightly wrapped as it was) without waking him up. She clung to him like a limpet and was in the process of divesting him of his clothes.

"Hey, it's rude to have sex in other people's houses and not offer to have an orgy." Kakashi muttered sleepily.

"YOU SICK BASTARD! HELP ME!"

"It's three o' clock in the morning. Just let her rape you already." the supervisor yawned, lazily stretching his arms above his head. Apparently he didn't care one way or the other whether the dark-haired young man was sexually assaulted.

"NARUTO! WAKE UP!" Sasuke was frantic now, hopping over to where his other co-worker was blissfully still asleep.

"...mmmngh...Sakura's silken thighs (1)..."

"..."

Sasuke's expletive was cut off by Naruto waking up, seeing the soon-to-be obscene scene, and throwing a chair at him, but hitting Sakura instead.

"Thanks Naruto." gasped Sasuke.

"Damn, I missed...Errr, I mean, no problem."

Content to let Sakura remain unconscious for the time being, the males went through the morning rituals of scratching, bathing, combing their hair et cetera, et cetera. Naturally Sakura was very disappointed that she missed the opportunity to accost Sasuke while he was naked, but she figured there would be plenty of other opportunities to molest the dark-haired one in the future.

Breakfast was a rather bland affair consisting of milk, toast, coffee, and soft boiled eggs. Naruto was trying to deal with having company at breakfast time, Sasuke was trying to remember when last he was able to eat breakfast without an attempt being made on his life, Sakura was staring at Sasuke, and Kakashi was wondering if he could convince Naruto to let him stay a few more nights so he wouldn't have to face his landlord.

Seeing that their shift wasn't for another four hours, Team 7 decided to spend some time practicing their food fighting.

Naruto clutched his spatulas and glared at his opponent. Oh how he would love to rush in and dismantle his target with extreme prejudice, but a hasty and ill-timed attack would not be effective against such a foe. No. This called for precision and cunning. There! The weak point! He tensed, sprang forward, and struck!

"GRRAAAAH!" Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Sizzle. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Sizzle. Flip. Flip. Flip. Flip. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. "Ha! Top that Sasuke!" Naruto crowed.

"Psh. Your pattyken (2) technique is weak. I can flip six burned burgers and decapitate all of my targets." Sasuke stated.

"Prove it!" Sasuke quite happily obliged, giving his blonde co-worker a smug smirk. Naruto pouted. "Show-off..."

Sakura, meanwhile was busily grinding mustard and peppercorns for use as an eye irritant. While the R&D Department provided most of the equipment doled out to Ninja Burger employees, it was still required that all employees learn how to properly mix condiments into various irritants, poisons, and explosives. After all, it is a distinct possibility for a ninja to run out of standard items while on a mission, and may find it necessary to make more on the fly.

Kakashi looked up from where he was pretending to keep an eye on his underlings to spot a white blur streak towards the front area. "_Well that's not a good thing_." he thought, putting away his porno magazine and getting his subordinates' attention. "Everyone, I don't want to be an alarmist but there appears to be a white ninja loose in the franchise."

* * *

_DOOM DOOM DOOM! How will Team 7 deal with the dastardly vandal that is the white ninja? The only way to find out is to read the next chapter when it comes out. Until then perhaps you would like to take the time in between to go out and do some charity work? Just a thought. No pressure or anything._

1) Bowdlerized line from the Excel Saga dub.

2) Using burned hamburger patties as shuriken.


	54. Scroll Eighteen: Part Three

I'm going to Vegas! No seriously, I'm going. Got my ticket and everything. Any reviewers in the area want to recommend good places to eat that aren't crammed with tourists?

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Eighteen, Part Three: Attack of the White NInja  
By Kaori

Typically, once told not to panic, the three rookies did exactly that.

"OMGWTFBBQ!" Sakura screamed insensibly, as she and her two cohorts ran around the room in a flustered panic. All that's missing are the chicken suits and this would totally be a flustercluck. As it stands, they merely resemble chickens with their heads cut off. Very undignified, yet perfectly understandable for the underlying motive behind the white ninja's attack is nothing less than the complete destruction of Ninja Burger. Very few are trained in the ways of dealing with such a threat, and none of them were present hence the very unprofessional panicking.

Now I know what you're thinking, Orochimaru already stated he had the same goal and he's not a white ninja. That premise is incorrect.

Orochimaru wants to take over the Konoha franchise and eventually change Ninja Burger to suit his gourmet ideals. White ninja want Ninja Burger completely and utterly obliterated. Why? That is known only to white ninja; quite possibly not even them. So single-minded are they: White ninja sleeps not, eats not, and lives to destroy all that is Ninja Burger. Enemies that you cannot reason with or bribe, that require no rest or sustenance, and only want your death are more frustrating than the multiple types of fast food chains run by samurai.

But we're getting off track and the white ninja is getting away.

"Calm down." Kakashi sighed. "Panicking won't solve anything. The first thing we need to do is hit the silent alarm and alert the rest of the restaurant."

Once that task was accomplished, Kakashi proceeded to brief them on how this situation was going to be handled.

To begin with, the doors leading to the restaurant proper would be sealed off from the rest of the building. This would allow every ninja not working in the dining area to deal with the white ninja threat without panicking the customers. However, this meant that the kitchen and the dispatch area were still vulnerable to attack so anyone in those rooms would have to be on the alert.

A plague of rats came thundering through the room, followed by an intrusion of cockroaches, and a clutter of spiders (1).

"Ah, it appears it has already begun." nodded the Supervisor. "Quickly, judging by the direction those vermin came from the white ninja is already heading for the kitchen."

Following the path of mayhem, Deliverator Team 7 ended up in the kitchen where the employees there were valiantly defending their territory. However, instead of the lone white ninja the team was expecting, there appeared to be twenty-six (2).

"He's not actually in here!" the Head Chef yelled, throwing some sesame seeds into his opponent's eyes and then decapitating him with an oversized cleaver. "These are merely clones!" To illustrate the point, the body on the floor in front of him turned into a pile of ash. "Tsk, better clean that up right away." he muttered to himself.

"Did you see which way the real one went?" Kakashi asked, neatly stabbing a clone while heading towards the Head Chef's dais.

"Near as I can tell he's heading towards the sub-basement. Most likely he'll try to override our security system so he can get into the dining area. You'd better get down there."

Wasting no further time on conversation, Kakashi harangued his team onward in hopes of heading the fiendish white ninja off at the proverbial pass.

Like any decent secret base worth its triple reinforced titanium doors, all Konoha Ninja Burger franchise locations have at least three sub-basements. This particular location has nine sub-basements; all of them colour-coded. Having used Naruto's extensive knowledge of the secret passageways throughout the complex, Deliverator Team 7 had managed to beat the white ninja to the entrance of the first sub-basement; White Level.

"Gird your loins my suboridnates." Kakashi intoned. "For it is here that we must make our stand against the dreaded white ninja."

"...and to Inuzuka Kiba, who laughed at my ass, I leave fuck all the rat bastard." Naruto had decided to take this moment to write his will.

"Come on Sasuke, all I ask is a quickie before we die horribly." cajoled Sakura. Sasuke was twitching like a rabbit on LSD.

"Not if you were the _only_ woman on Earth." he ground out. Kakashi tutted.

"Sasuke, a young virgin (you are a virgin, right Sakura?) girl is begging you to do her. The least you could do is oblige her before you both die."

A low rumbling sound approached their location, and all conversation ceased. It got louder the closer it came, and the floor vibrated. the Deliverators drew their weapons.

They expected the white ninja and an army of clones to come barrelling towards them.

"HOLY SHIT RUN!" screamed Kakashi.

They did not expect the white ninja to be riding a road roller equipped with a spiked drum going 100 mph. The quartet dove out of the way just in time to avoid being flattened, and had to watch as a huge, cartoonish hole was created in the otherwise sturdy barricade. Sakura was the first to recover.

"How in the name of all that is sacred did he get that thing in here?" she demanded.

"Better question, how the fuck did he get it to move so fast?" Naruto spat.

"None of that is important. He's getting away." Kakashi pointed out.

"You're not seriously making us go after him!" squawked the junior employees.

Several seconds later they were following the path of destruction down into Violet Level, the third sub-basement.

"I can't believe we're fucking doing this." Sasuke hissed. They'd passed the road roller sans white ninja back up in Blue Level. It was too badly damaged after ramming through two steel doors ; and it only barely made it through the second one. While not having to contend with the construction vehicle was a relief, the brunette would have preferred letting someone else chase down the enemy ninja.

"Whether you believe it or not, the fact remains that we are "doing this" as you so aptly put it." said Kakashi.

"I know what, or rather who, I'd rather be doing." Sakura muttered testily. Apparently being sexually frustrated was starting to get to her. Honestly, someone needs to get that girl's hormone levels checked; she's even starting to scare _me_ now."You can take your concern and shove it."

"I take it our invisible friend is back and weren't actually referring to me. Now watch yourselves, it looks like we've caught up to him." In his most intimidating tone, Kakashi demanded the enemy ninja to turn around slowly.

"Fine, " the ninja agreed. "but just know that I'm going to put a stop to you all no matter what it takes."

"Wait a minute." Sakura frowned. "That voice sounds familiar."

"And now that I've got a good look at him, he's not wearing the white ninja garb I'm used to seeing." Kakahsi mused aloud.

"What do you mean "used to seeing"? This is the first time I've ever been to this place and I'm positive I've never met any of you before." the white ninja seemed to be confused. "Isn't this Lothor's hideout?"

"No, this is Konoha Ninja Burger." Sasuke replied, annoyed. "You're two whole countries off (3)."

"Aww man, at this rate I'm never going to get any mileage out of these outfits." pouted the white ninja. "And I went to all that trouble learning the ninja clone technique..."

"Wait, I recognize your voice now! You're Tommy Oliver the Power Ranger!" the rosette pointed excitedly. "Can I have your autograph?"

"Uuh, sure I guess."

Naruto and Sasuke were less than thrilled that the foe they had been chasing was just a washed up sentai member. How utterly anti-climatic. On the bright side they didn't have to die today, and Sakura seems to have decided that if Sasuke wasn't going to oblige her she may as well molest Tommy.

"Should we..." Naruto pointed to where the pink-haired one was happily harassing the poor ex-Power Ranger.

"Better him than me." grunted Sasuke. "Come on, let's go back upstairs and get something to eat before someone decides to make us clean up this mess."

"That reminds me, weren't there a bunch of vermin loose on the premises?"

"Ah that." Kakashi chimed in. "I just got into contact with the Head Chef, apparently Kurenai's team were in the break room when all this started. Kiba was so startled by the alarm he tripped and spilled hot cocoa all over Shino, who was preparing his sabotage kit. Don't worry, once the all-clear is given I'm sure he'll recapture all of his critters."

* * *

_This whole debacle is the result of a conversation with my nephew (whose first experience with Power Rangers is Jungle Fury) as to who the heck Tommy Oliver is. I had to explain everything from the beginning, and then I got to thinking about why he didn't show up again until Dino Thunder. All that was left was to turn it into a chapter and here we are: Tommy Oliver has been trying to horn in on other continuities but kept getting lost. As for the ninja outfit, it's from Power Rangers: The Movie. He was trying to get some more mileage out of it. As for why I'm still watching Power Rangers at my age; I'm my niece and nephews' only aunt and I am determined to understand their interests._

_And besides, it's either that or reality TV. _

1) Isn't the English language fun? I was going to include a murder of crows, but that wouldn't make sense even in a crack-fic.

2) One for each employee in the kitchen.

3) He's a Deliverator, he ought to know.


	55. Scroll Nineteen: Part One

*slow blink* Fourth wall? Oh..._that's_ what that shattering noise was. Eh, I'll fix it later. I'm having way to much fun right now.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nineteen, Part One: Interlude at Ninja Resources  
By Kaori

Most days being a Ninja Resources Officer sucks balls. Burning paperwork and erasing the former of lives of new hires, writing reports to subsequently burn, and assassinating employees who fail to do the honorable thing and commit seppuku after missing the 30 minute deadline isn't exactly exciting or challenging.

Well, that last one can be challenging if the employee is skilled enough, but the ones that can't manage to complete a delivery in half an hour usually aren't.

Some days though, being a Ninja Manager can be damn fun...

"Nnnneeeeext!" carolled Hidan twirling as he opened the door to the waiting room. Today is supervisor quarterly performance evaluation day and that means the Ninja Resources Department gets to torture, annoy, and scare the crap out of the various team leaders. The silver-haired man looked down at his list, "Sarutobi Asuma! You're up!"

The bearded manager sighed, put out his cigarette and slunk into the room. Like all the other supervisors awaiting evaluation he would much rather be anywhere else. Granted, the current method for employee evaluations was far more interesting than being handed a sheet of paper with inane comments about how to improve yourself in order to advance to a position you may or may not want, but this was a bit much.

A few years ago, the Fourth Franchise Manager decided that there was entirely too much paperwork being done and not enough ninja-ing. In order to reduce a significant number of documents (and the boredom that comes with it) that had to be read by various people and signed before eventually being brought to him to read and sign _again_, he devised a more hands-on approach. An approach that gives no end of amusement to the Ninja Resources Department: The Ninja Burger Performance Evaluation Test.

Now if only he hadn't been licking toads when he'd designed the damned thing...

Sarutobi Asuma panted heavily as he desperately put out the flames on his sleeves. If the Fourth Franchise Manager wasn't already dead he'd seriously consider murdering the man after filling out Form 259-538-J: Request to Terminate Crazy Boss. For now, he'd have to content himself with having survived. He looked up to see Uchiha Itachi absently writing on a clipboard.

"Very good, you've managed to complete the course within the allotted time period without dying immediately afterwards." he said. While he was outwardly bored, he was secretly amused.

"I don't remember the man-eating plant being there last time." groused Asuma. "Or the three hundred and forty foot pitfall trap."

"If it were the same course every single time there would be no point in testing you with it. Zetsu is a valued member of the Ninja Resources Department and it is therefore in his purview to assist with employee evaluations. I am impressed that you managed to correctly measure the depth of the pitfall trap without falling all the way to the bottom of it. However, I would suggest that you work on your attitude when it comes to adverse situations." If Asuma didn't know better he'd swear Itachi was teasing him. "As it stands, you have earned your salary increase quite handily. Continue to perform well and bring honour to your ancestors."

Asuma made a face, and left the room. Not too long after he left a body staggered out of the testing area and collapsed. Itachi cocked his head to the side, walked over, and kicked it in the ribs causing the poor soul to grunt. "Ah your still alive I see." the Ninja Resources Associate commented neutrally. "However, not being able to leave the area under your own power will lower your overall performance rating. Kakuzu, here's another one to cart of to D.E.A.T.H.S."

* * *

_This next scroll is basically random shorts about the sorts of things that go on behind the scenes of most businesses as applied to Ninja Burger. My job does four quarterly evaluations that determine your overall performance rating for the year, so I thought I'd incorporate that (and my annoyance with it) into this chapter. _


	56. Scroll Nineteen: Part Two

One of my friend's hobbies is invoking Rule 34 during who-would-win arguments . For example, the Gaara vs. Starscream debate ended up in the weirdest argument over who would be seme I have ever had the displeasure of being present for. I need brain bleach and better friends... I only shared that little anecdote because I don't want to suffer alone. All yinna gat to suffer too. For science.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nineteen, Part Two: Interlude at Dispatch  
By Kaori

"Thank you for calling Konoha Ninja Burger Delivery, what would you like to order?" A pause. "Does that complete your order?" Another pause and a hand furiously scribbles on a piece of paper that is quickly rolled up and put into a pneumatic tube. "Thank you. Your total for one Ninja Burget Combo Meal #2, Onion Death Blossom, Junior Ninja Burger, French Fries of Our Ancestors, and a Large Cola comes to $20.50. If your meal is not there in 30 minutes or less, your delivery ninja will commit seppuku."

The dispatch area of the franchise is usually manned by three ninja. Said ninja are normally permanent staff but today, Dispatch is being manned by Shiranui Genma, Namiashi Raido, and Yamashiro Aoba. Sadly, the usual staff members were killed in a freak accident involving a bus full of vampires, two thousand gallons of paint thinner, the SDF-1 Macross, and Uchiha Itachi (1). Very tragic. Frickin' awesome, but tragic.

I digress.

Dispatchers are not only responsible for taking customer orders and relaying them to the kitchen, but also to ensure that the teams making the deliveries are monitored and guided whenever appropriate. They are also required to dispatch additional ninja when backup is called for and report suspected incidences of joyriding in the company vans.

"Team 14, we have become aware of samurai activity in the area of your delivery." Raido stated. "A suitable distraction will be provided for you in T-minus thirty seconds. Team 22, commence Operation Dada, and please remember to put toilets back where you got them from. "

"Thank you for calling Konoha Ninja Burger Delivery, what would you like to order?" recited Aoba. He made a disgusted face. "I am afraid you have us confused with some _other_ fast food delivery service. Our menu items are..." and he rattled off the entire menu from memory, then paused to let the person make their order. "Your total is fourteen dollars. As this is your first time calling, we will only be removing the tip of your pinkie finger as a reminder not to confuse us with an inferior franchise." He disconnected the call and sent the order down to the kitchen.

"Team 5, you have five minutes remaining in your delivery time. Quit screwin' around. Time is honour." snapped Genma, before taking another order. "Thank you for calling Konoha Ninja Delivery, what wouild...Dishonourable dog! You dare to call here? You were warned." he hung up the call and immediately dialled another number. "Public Relations? Shiranui Genma. Requesting a team to deal with a prank caller. Forwarding coordinates from phone trace now." he paused as he waited for confirmation from the P.R. Department. "Acknowledged. Happy hunting." He hung up satisfied that the annoyance would soon be eliminated with extreme prejudice. Assassinating prank callers may seem extreme, but to Ninja Burger employees any and all obstacles in their quest to provide fast, efficient service must be eliminated. Violently. To serve as an example to others.

"Hey guys." a new voice greeted from the door.

"Thank the ancestors, our relief's here." Aoba said, then did a double take when he realized who was standing in the doorway. "_Anko_? How'd they get you to do Dispatch?"

"They didn't." Anko leered evilly. "I just came here to tell you that you're doing a double shift today. The guys who were supposed to relieve you met with an unfortunate accident."

"Don't tell me they ended up committing seppuku."

"Nah, ran afoul of some robots during a delivery. Sorry boys, looks like you're working overtime."

"God dammit, I had a date tonight!" whined Genma.

"I'm sure your girlfriend will understand if you use the extra money you get from this shift to take her on a really swanky date." Raido said.

"You think so?"

"Nah, she's gonna kill you for standing her up again!"

"You're a dick Raido."

"Somebody say "dick"?" a new voice inquired from the door.

"Sai! Pal! Buddy! How would you like to gain some honour by helping a friend in need..." 

* * *

_Aand ending this chapter with Sai getting suckered into taking Genma's place in the Dispatch area._

1)In my head canon Itachi gets up to some weird crap when he's not present in the manga. Yes, even when he is technically dead. In fact, _especially _when he's dead.


	57. Scroll Nineteen: Part Three

All this heat just sucks the energy right out of you and it's too hot for clothes. Yep. Totally wrote this nekkid. Don't judge me I live in The Bahamas. It's a frickin' sauna over here.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Nineteen, Part Three: Meet the G.O.N.A.D.S  
By Kaori

Just because they work in an ultra-secretive ninja fast food organization doesn't mean that there are no records of anything. As mentioned earlier (much, much earlier) paperwork is really only needed by two departments: Administration and Finance, and D.E.A.T.H.S. However, the Ninja Resources Department is responsible for collecting keeping files on all present, past, and future employees; the Communications and Marketing Department keeps records on all customers. You will never get either department to admit to these facts however, and it would be best if you never bring it up in conversation.

Every tiny speck of information that can be known about an employee or customer is recorded in excruciating detail and is never divulged to anyone outside of the organization. Other organizations' information on the same individuals are closely monitored and in this way Ninja Burger is able to accurately track any employee or customer past, present, and future.

The CIA, MI6, KGB, and Mossad cry foul for this while the Jouhou Honbu shrug it off as par for the course.

Anyway, someone has to collect, organize, and monitor access to all this information; enter the Ninja Archive Division (N.A.D.), overseen by two Governing Officers (G.O.N.A.D.).

N.A.D. is the most secretive area in the organization. Since no one knows who they are, they can't be captured and tortured for information. Heck they don't even know each other's identities. Just about anyone working in Ninja Burger could be one of the twenty members of this ultra secret department. While working in the office, all of the N.A.D. ninja are forbidden from using their real names, and wear full facial masks instead of the balaclava worn by the rest of the employees . They are also encouraged to speak as little as possible to persons outside of N.A.D while on duty. It is rumoured that once you enter this department, you are in it for life. Which is just as well since the only way to leave Ninja Burger is to die and those who work in N.A.D usually die from natural causes after living long, and boring lives.

As for the two G.O.N. , they are chosen by secret lottery once a year. One by one, and when no one is observing them, the non G.O.N. enter a room and draw a ball from a bag. Whichever two pull out red balls are the new G.O.N. . The two new G.O.N. will later enter a room and take off their mask and don the mask of the outgoing G.O.N.A.D. This system not only keeps the identities of the G.O.N. a secret from everyone and further obscures the identities of those working within the department.

Why did I bother explaining any of that? Well, aside from being interesting it serves as a segue into the Employee Activities Team (E.A.T), that includes the two G.O.N. and an E.A.T Medical Examiner (E.A.T.M.E.) from D.E.A.T.H.S acting in an advisory capacity.

Today E.A.T is meeting to discuss plans for the annual Konoha Ninja Burger beach party.

"For the last time JIraiya, there will be no wet T-shirt contest." deadpanned the G.O.N.A.D in the blue oni mask; the other G.O.N.A.D in the blue oni mask nodded emphatically.

"Oh come on, what's the point of going to the beach if you can't ogle some sweet, nubile, hunny flesh?" Jiraiya whined, crossing his arms and pouting like a child.

"The answer is still no and there will be no further discussion on the topic." he turned to his left. "Akimichi-san, have the requisite food items been ordered?" Akimichi Chouza nodded and grinned broadly.

"I have every assurance that there will be no shortage of food! We have also gone to extra lengths to secure some boar for the sunset pig roast." Shizune raised her hand and red oni pointed to her.

"The chair recognizes the E.A.T.M.E." he said. Shizune stood up and picked up a sheaf of papers.

"Um, I just want to know what measures are being taken to ensure that we do not have a recurrence of last year's...incident." she stated, looking over her notes. "I've been reading my predecessor's notes and the number and severity of injuries during that fiasco had D.E.A.T.H.S busy for almost two months and left the franchise short staffed."

"Be at ease, we have contingency plans in place. Should Rock Lee get into the alcohol again there are personnel designated to keep him occupied until his team can nail him with the Clown Hammer." Yamanaka Inoichi stated. "Should that not work it has been suggested that we use a panda tooth to summon Godzilla (1) and let him deal with Lee while we all evacuate to another beach."

"Very well, but I would also like to add that there will be D.E.A.T.H.S manning not only the Lifeguard Station but a special Suiken-User-On-Rampage Station." she looked pointedly at the man sitting across from her. "Also, as per usual there will be an area set up to deal with those who fall asleep in the sun."

"That is satisfactory." nodded Nara Shikaku, the man she was looking at.

"That just leaves the matter of the Scavenger Hunt list." blue oni stated. "I believe that was your responsibility Inuzuka-san." the wild-haired woman sitting near the far end of the table, petting a very large dog nodded.

"There are only a few items left that we have to procure and then we'll be able to start hiding them the week before."

"Just don't put any of the things in NERV 2), their still annoyed with us about last year." red oni pointed out.

"They have no business being annoyed when they cause Armageddon every frickin' week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

* * *

_Yeah, it's been awhile. Sorry about the very slow updates, I'm just lacking a bit in the inspiration department. Anyway, next scroll will be the last for this story, so if you have any ideas about what could happen next feel free to drop them in your reviews because this will be the last three chapters of this fanfic. I won't say that I'll get them all in, but I'll try to do as many as I can._

_Why did that last sentence sound like I was auditioning for a porno?_

1)This is a reference to The Panda Song.  
2) Evangelion reference.


	58. Scroll Twenty: Part One

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Twenty, Part One: Unusual Delivery  
By Kaori

When Kakashi's Deliverator team had clocked in for their shift that morning they were informed by Shift Manager Ebisu to report to Sarutobi's office immediately as it was a matter of great importance. Unsure what to make of this development they hurried there and now both parties were staring at each other in stoic silence. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes passed and then...

"Zzz..."

They realized that the Franchise Manager was asleep with his eyes open. Naruto glared, took a deep breath and...

"YOU SHITTY OLD MAN! I'MA BURN YOUR PORN STASH!"

"DON'T TOUCH MY BABIES!" shrieked the Franchise Manager. Three sets of blank stares met his wide eyes. Recovering quickly from his outburst, he sat down in his chair, and adopted a cool and composed pose. No one was buying it in the slightest, but if they wanted to remain employed (read: alive) pretending none of that happened was in their best interest. "This is a very special delivery that I need you to make. Under normal circumstances I would not even dream of sending a rookie Deliverator team on such an important assignment but right now there is no one else available." he turned around to reach into his credenza and pulled out a box. "Do NOT open this box. The thirty minute time limit is extended to twenty-four hours after you exit the franchise. It is to our immense frustration that it is impossible for any ninja to deliver to _that_ place in thirty minutes. So many lives needlessly lost... Oh, and don't worry if you are seen by the client, hiding from the client is also futile."

"_Where_ exactly are we taking this?" Kakashi asked, as he took the box from Sarutobi. His only response was being handed an envelope and given a stern look.

"_Don't_ open that until you leave. Now, Kitadake-san is expecting you. Keeping him waiting is a very bad idea so I suggest you go now." Needing no further prompting, Deliverator Team 7 left the Third Franchise Manager's office and headed down to Weapons Research and Development.

The eccentric old man and his assistants were indeed waiting for them. Once the usual shenanigans were finished - having to endure sexual harassment, verbal abuse, jokes at their expense, and being blown up, twice - they handed each of them a bag with the firm instructions to not open any of the bags unless they ran out of options and only to open one bag at a time.

"Is it just me, or are there a ridiculous number of strange orders that go along with this delivery?" Naruto commented.

"What would happen if we opened all four bags at once?" Sakura had asked out of curiosity.

"We don't know." Myoko intoned.

"No one's ever come back in one piece after doin' it!" chirped Yari. "The pathologists at D.E.A.T.H.S still can't figure out which pieces go where on the last dumbass who tried it."

"One bag at a time, got it." Sakura said.

"Do you know where we're going?" Sasuke asked Kitadake.

"Maaaaaybe." the old man replied unhelpfully.

"Do you know where we're going but can't tell us, or do you know where we're going but won't tell us?" ventured Kakashi.

"I won't say that I can but I can't say that I would." drawled Kitadake.

"So... wait. Does that mean you're not _allowed_ to tell us or that you just don't want to?" Naruto squinted, trying to glean wisdom from between his eyelashes and only managing to further obscure his vision.

"It means what it means." the old madman stated. "What I am and am not allowed is irrelevant at best and tenuous at worst."

Kakashi, sensing they would get nothing but ice cream koans (1) if they attempted to further press the issue, thought it best that they leave now.

They stood in the parking lot quivering in anticipation. Kakashi stared at the envelope in his hand as if he could will it to divulge its secrets without tearing it open. His three subordinates looked on, feeling both dread and excitement. A bead of sweat rolled down Naruto's face, Sakura swallowed thickly, and Sasuke's fingers twitched as Kakashi slowly opened the envelope and pulled out a single memo card.

"It's a poem." he stated.

"Well, read it!" Sakura snapped, the tension starting to get on her nerves. Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Your journey begins.  
Please don't be alarmed.  
Keep your wits about you,  
And you won't be harmed.

The first thing to do  
Young woman and men  
Is a snappy dance number  
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

"The Time Warp?" parroted Naruto incredulously. "What the heck is that?" Kakashi rubbed his chin and hummed nostalgically.

"Ah, if I recall correctly...it's just a jump to the left..." the trio of teens did so. "...and then a step to the right." again they did so. "Put your hands on your hips, then bring your knees in tight."

Out of nowhere, the girls that usually appear scantily clad during Naruto's flip-outs appeared along with the main cast of Haiyore! Nyaruko-san (except for Mahiro because it would lower his SAN points) to continue the chorus as everyone did the requisite pelvic thrust.

A bright flash of light, a trumpet fanfare, and a brief soliloquy from Leonard Nemoy and...

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" Sakura screamed.

"We're in Hell for some reason." Sasuke blinked.

Despite Sasuke's assertion to the contrary, they were not in fact in Hell. Although they may as well have been.

"Why...the fuck...are we in _Boatmurdered_ (2)?" ground out Naruto.

"Better question is how you even know where we are." Sasuke said, deadpan. Naruto pointed to the sign on the portcullis with the name of the fortress prominently displayed. Sasuke made a disgusted face but not from Naruto's observation skills. He just noticed that they were ankle deep in kobold gore. "This better not be the delivery address."

"Don't worry, it's not." Kakashi stated, eyeing the memo card he had been reading from before. "The note's changed. It says we have to kill every dwarf in this fortress." His three young charges gave him a collective incredulous look. He gave them the note to read for themselves.

_I tell you no lie.  
__Mark well and take heed,  
__All dwarves must die  
__If you wish to proceed.__  
_

"This person is twisted." Sakura scowled.

"You're one to talk..." muttered Sasuke, taking out his franchise issued katana. "Let's just hurry up and get this over with."

I would like to tell you that an epic battle ensued where are heroes, outnumbered seven hundred to four, slaughtered all of their opponents.

I would _really_ like to tell you that Naruto flipped out so hard that songs and books were written, several movies were made, and women ripped off their clothes in his presence from the sheer enormity of the carnage he wrought; that Sasuke managed to surpass his brother's kill record armed with nothing more than his katana, some C4, and 25 feet of garotte wire; that Sakura somehow managed to get a _herd_ of elephants (3) to obey her, demolish three quarters of the fortress, and eventually cornering Sasuke so that she could rape him; that Kakashi cut a swathe of murder and death through the remainder of the fortress with naught but a porno mag and his franchise issued katana.

I would like to tell you all these things and more...but it would all be lies.

As the dwarves in this fortress, like all other fortress, are depressed and prone to self-destruction at the drop of a hat it was painfully easy to set one of them on fire causing a chain reaction that resulted in the entire place being set on fire and burning to the ground (4).

Just as the note said, once everyone in the fortress had been turned into barbecue the foursome was instantly transported to the next stop on their delivery odyssey.

* * *

_Yeah, you only __**thought**__ you were reading a crack fic before. I tried not to let things get too stupid, but eventually I gave up. Two more chapters to go, how many more must die before we learn where our heroes are going and who this delivery is for?_

1) If you have ice cream I will give you some.

If you have no ice cream I will take it away from you.

This is an ice cream koan.

2)From Dwarf Fortress. You can still read the Let's Play for that particular playthrough but I warn you now it's a long read.

3) Trust me, this makes sense if you've actually played Dwarf Fortress or read some of the above-mentioned archive.

4) I shit you not. You can do this in the game. Repeatedly. Sometimes you don't even have to do it, it just happens. And there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it. "Losing is fun."


	59. Scroll Twenty: Part Two

The Lord of Shadow: Your review made me rewrite the majority of this chapter because it struck me with an even more better idea.

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles  
Scroll Twenty, Part Two: Ninjas Go to Hell  
By Kaori

"You know, when Mizuki kept telling us that we'd all end up in Hell, I never thought he'd be right." Naruto muttered.

"At least it's only pop culture Christian Hell and not Dante's Divine Comedy Hell (1) or we'd be here for days." noted Sasuke.

"I still don't understand what we're supposed to be doing here!" Sakura threw up her hands in a combination of frustration and confusion.

Well, since we kind of dropped everyone into this with no preamble I'd best bring everyone up to speed.

"That would be helpful."

I really wish someone would explain to me how it is that you of all people can hear me; it's been bugging me for a while now.

"Don't change the subject!"

Fine...

After rapidly depopulating Boatmurdered, the quartet was transported to the outskirts of a nondescript town. Their clue card had changed to yet another piece of painful poetry perpetuating the pernicious pursuit of their patron's position.

Try saying that ten times fast.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Done? Okay.

Rather than subject you to the same painful prose as our protagonists I shall paraphrase (and cease the alliteration as I am running out of proper "p" words). They needed to make an old lady happy. _Which_ old lady was not specified and, much to their chagrin, the town was populated with nothing _but_ old ladies. A literal retirement village if you will.

They wasted quite a lot of time helping numerous elderly women cross the street, pick up their groceries, and repair their broken appliances and roofs. Karmic points aside for doing good deeds it was not getting them any closer to their goal. The remaining thirty-eight hours may seem like a lot of time, but the Deliverator team was discovering that the extension on the time limit was granted for a very good reason.

Why do tasks that don't involve delivering food or killing people so haaaaard?

Seeing that they were getting nowhere fast on their own, they decided to try opening one of the bags and hope for the best. Not knowing what to expect, they took a vote and Naruto ended up being the first to open his bag.

"Now I know what Iruka-sensei meant when he said that democracy is two tigers and a monkey trying to decide what to have for dinner..." Naruto had complained. "If I die I'm haunting your ass Kakashi-sachou! You'll never get laid again!"

"Just open the bag, dumbass!" Sasuke taunted from behind the well he and the others were taking cover behind.

After impotently shaking his fist at his co-workers, Naruto took a deep breath and opened the bag.

Nothing happened.

"The hell?" blinked Naruto, peering into the bag and then proceeded to be violently ill into it.

Apparently, it only seemed like nothing had happened when, in actuality, all four of them had been instantaneously transported elsewhere. Travelling that quickly had its consequences as the ninja were discovering.

Once they had been divested of the contents of their stomachs they took a moment to take stock of their location; standing inside a rapidly descending elevator. A polite cough behind them caught their attention and standing at the very back of the elevator car was an imp.

"Floor?" it asked. Blank stares were his only reply. "I'll just let you off at the next stop. It's not like I care what happens to living people anyway..." They didn't get to hear the rest of its muttering as the elevator gave an unholy screech as the brakes were applied and a few moments later, they were unceremoniously thrown out on their behinds.

The first thing they noticed was how hot it was. Next that there was the distinct smell of sulphur and the sound of tortured screams.

"Where the Hell are we now (2)?" muttered Sasuke, looking around at the stark, red landscape in annoyance.

"Wrong story Sasuke." Kakashi quipped.

"What?"

"What."

"...in the butt." Naruto started to sing but was immediately silenced by Sakura by a well-placed roundhouse kick in the face. "AWP!"

"ENOUGH WITH THE BAD COMEDY ALREADY!" she screamed.

Their current location became all the more apparent as they wandered around. Demons tortured shackled humans in pits of fire, on racks, with whips, and Enya. Once they spotted the rock stars still partying despite the torture, they knew.

"You know, when Mizuki kept telling us that we'd all end up in Hell, I never thought he'd be right." Naruto muttered.

"At least it's only pop culture Christian Hell and not Dante's Divine Comedy Hell (1) or we'd be here for days." noted Sasuke.

"I still don't understand what we're supposed to be doing here!" Sakura threw up her hands in a combination of frustration and confusion.

Well, since we kind of dropped everyone into this with no preamble I'd best bring everyone up to speed.

"That would be helpful."

I really wish someone would explain to me how it is that you of all people can hear me; it's been bugging me for a while now.

"Don't change the subject!"

Fine...

After rapidly depopulating Boatmurdered,

"Oh no you don't! I see what you're trying to do and it won't work!" Sakura interrupted.

"Huh? What's happening?" blinked Kakashi.

"We almost got trapped in a Stable Time Loop, no thanks to the unhelpful narrator."

Hey, I'm plenty helpful! I'm just not here to help you is all.

"Never thought I'd say this but, good work Sakura." Sasuke said grudgingly, and was enveloped in a bone crushing hug for his trouble.

"Oh Sasuke-kun I knew you loved me!"

"This really is hell..." Naruto and Sasuke thought simultaneously.

"This may sound out there but did you remember to check the clue card Kaka-sachou?" asked Naruto. The other two Deliverators stared at their Supervisor, eyebrows raised.

"Er...no."

True to form the card had changed instructions with their location.

_Welcome to Hell  
__You would do well  
__To pay heed to this rhyme.__  
_

_Find the dudes  
__With blasé 'tudes  
__And you'll make your delivery on time.__  
_

"That's even less helpful than the one before it." groused Sasuke.

"I'm opening my bag, maybe this time it'll take us somewhere with a more helpful clue." Sakura stated. However, instead of being teleported elsewhere, the bag itself disappeared and was replaced by an EASY button. Expression blank, she pressed it and two stoners appeared. Specifically the two stoners she killed in the movie theatre (3).

"Trevor-brah, it's lie that chick that killed us." Kevin was surprisingly nonchalant about this. Naruto pointed this out and the guy shrugged. "I'm already dead man. Like, what else could she possibly do?"

"But, you're in hell." Naruto added.

"Cha, we know." Trevor huffed. "They make us clean up after those righteous parties the demons keep having with the rock stars. Totally bogus man! This is like the first break we've had since we died!"

"That's nice." Sasuke said flippantly. "Listen, we're in a hurry is there something you need help with?"

"Dude you gotta get us out of here!" they both wailed.

Getting into popular culture Christian Hell is ridiculously easy. Don't believe in God or Jesus Christ? You go to Hell unless you're the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Ghandi, or someone similar. Don't go to church? You're going to Hell. Enjoy drinking alcohol a little too much? You go to Hell. Do drugs? You go to Hell. Steal a quarter from your little brother. You go to Hell. Enjoy rock music or are involved in any part of the music industry that isn't the gospel music scene? You go to Hell. Write fanfiction... Well you get the idea.

There are only three sure ways out though: divine intervention, fighting your way out, or beating the Devil in a contest.

"Any of you musically inclined?" Kakashi asked. "And no "skin flute" cracks please none of us are high enough for that to be funny." No responses in the affirmative. "Well, I'm fairly certain the ninja gods have long since abandoned us so fighting our way out it is."

* * *

_Yep, the last chapter is upon is and what better way to start it off than with a fight to escape the depths of Hell?_

_If you readers want me to explain how I got ninjas go to Hell from "__UPROAD NEW CHAPTA OR DISHONNOR YOUR FAMIRY" drop me a line. There's only one chapter left in this story so now is your only opportunity to do so. Anyone reading this afterwards will just have to be left wondering because I most likely won't remember seeing as it took me for freakin' ever just to write __**this**__chapter...(grumble grumble)_

1) Most people only read the first part, The Inferno.

2) Ha! Take that Ricky! I managed to work the title of another fanfic into this one! You owe me twenty dollars!

3) Waaay back in Scroll Six: Part Three.


End file.
